monetpompo
૮ • ﻌ - ა
- Apr 21, 2025
- 484
as i get older i also worsen
i used to be a better person
growing into a constant burden
the idea of living with my parents for the next 4-5 years or more while i go to college genuinely makes me want to kill myself, but then i fail my attempt so i must be too much of a coward to really do it. i don't want to always keep thinking about suicide and getting triggered when i hear people talk about it in conversation. i want to skip all of the suicidal ideation and just die. i don't know why i'm still here.
i hate the sound of my mom's voice on the phone. i can hear it from my room and immediately after i wake up because she has a insurance job where she calls people and asks about their health. she's too useless to get any new job, and my dad doesn't make any money, so it's still just her working and having power over everyone even though she's mentally ill.
i don't want to go to college if my existence is just going to keep being useless and my parents and going to keep seeing me as a leech because i don't know how to drive, i haven't moved out, and i don't have a job. i'm trying to learn how to drive because that's what would make them happy, so i have to wait until october to renew my learner's permit. i dropped out of college this semester because i kept thinking about killing myself and i saw no point in going.
i spend a lot of time angry at myself, because i feel so useless and like i'm still a kid for living with my parents and not making any money to support myself. i don't have money to hang out with my friends, i don't have a car to see my friends. i don't have the money to spend to go outside frivolously. i'm not important to society because i don't have a job. in high school, i would've looked down on somebody like me not having a job and dropping out of college, since i'm supposed to be enrolled in college to be a successful person.
i could easily be someone on the street if my parents didn't want to keep supporting me, but i'm not grateful for it. i'm not grateful anything. i don't want to keep going because it seems easier to give up completely than try to function in a society that didn't even want me to be born because i'm autistic and trans. i just feel weird and wrong. i feel like i make people uncomfortable and sad when i talk about my problems.
i want to get away from home, but the only way i can see my friends anymore is if i visit my college, even though i'm not enrolled anymore. i just feel like slime. i don't know how i'm supposed to cope when my mom misgenders me over and over and calls me a baby because she sees me as a baby. i don't feel like i'm a person when i'm around her. i can't get away from home if i can't drive. hanging makes me really scared, but it's the only thing i can do if i have 20 dollars left in my pocket. i'm not special at all just for feeling worthless. i can't seek help with no insurance. everyone just tells me to get a job. everyone in my life. that's the only way i can realistically be happy anymore, if i just pick up a job, because i'm a self-pitying loser if i don't change the way i act and either kill myself or work.
i'm so tired of all this. it scares me. i'm not getting any better just because i'm not dead. i want to wait for a truck to come by on the road and just throw my body under it so my head can get crushed like a watermelon. i know that i don't have any reason to be here. i should've died 2 months ago, but i seek comfort for my attempt instead. no one in my life wants to think about how i attempted in the first place. they don't think i'm at risk anymore. was i ever seen as at risk in the first place?
my sister saw my rope and stool, but i took it back a month ago when i was looking for something else in her room. i wish i could just say it and mean it. it's hard to not feel ashamed about how many times i said i would do it and went into the woods in the middle of night with rope in my backpack. none of my problems feel that big in the first place.
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