thronesick
i am a hive walking
- Jan 2, 2025
- 56
i have a day left and i'm wondering if anyone else has tried to reach out to loved ones before they ctb and have faced rejection?
i wanted to visit my old school with my friend who still lives here. don't worry i didn't peak in highschool lol im a senior and in eighteen. i moved 2 years ago and i went last year and everyone was really excited to see me at least they pretended to they gave me their numbers their emails etc and told me to contact them like literally i didn't ask they insisted that if i was back in town i was more than welcome to come by. the day after i left last time i didn't get to see my guidance counselor (mind you she went out of her way to pull one of my teachers into her office to tell her how sad she is she's not gonna see me). i was really close to her so i called the school number and she didn't answer i decided to just leave a message saying "hi sorry we didn't get to see each other just calling to say hi" it was the last day of school and she didn't respond. 5 months go by didn't respond. i just assumed that voicemails got delete why would administration delete voicemails without listening to them. so probably that same day i emailed the teacher who begged me to email her and i did i sent her a well thought out email talking about finality of things and how even as time leaves us behind their role as staff members is invaluable. she never responded. yesterday i reached out to one teacher to ask if we could stop by.. she never responded. after coincidence and coincidence you begin to tell yourself that silence is purposeful and a answer in itself. you may be reading this (if you've gotten this far)and thinking well 'how desperate are you?' 'you were given all these signs yet you still acted against them' and id tell you you're right but i'd also tell you of course i was desperate. because what child who's neglected isn't seeking out what they were never given?what child met with silence doesn't reach for a echo? it's instinct. it's human nature to need to be seen. i like to tell myself that they'll feel bad that they didn't see me before i ctb'd but it's not a comfort it doesn't ease me at night because ill never know what it felt like to finally be noticed for once. i wish they knew they i was only trying to visit them to tell them what they meant to me and it was meaningful to me to see them before i ended my like this coming saturday.
i wanted to visit my old school with my friend who still lives here. don't worry i didn't peak in highschool lol im a senior and in eighteen. i moved 2 years ago and i went last year and everyone was really excited to see me at least they pretended to they gave me their numbers their emails etc and told me to contact them like literally i didn't ask they insisted that if i was back in town i was more than welcome to come by. the day after i left last time i didn't get to see my guidance counselor (mind you she went out of her way to pull one of my teachers into her office to tell her how sad she is she's not gonna see me). i was really close to her so i called the school number and she didn't answer i decided to just leave a message saying "hi sorry we didn't get to see each other just calling to say hi" it was the last day of school and she didn't respond. 5 months go by didn't respond. i just assumed that voicemails got delete why would administration delete voicemails without listening to them. so probably that same day i emailed the teacher who begged me to email her and i did i sent her a well thought out email talking about finality of things and how even as time leaves us behind their role as staff members is invaluable. she never responded. yesterday i reached out to one teacher to ask if we could stop by.. she never responded. after coincidence and coincidence you begin to tell yourself that silence is purposeful and a answer in itself. you may be reading this (if you've gotten this far)and thinking well 'how desperate are you?' 'you were given all these signs yet you still acted against them' and id tell you you're right but i'd also tell you of course i was desperate. because what child who's neglected isn't seeking out what they were never given?what child met with silence doesn't reach for a echo? it's instinct. it's human nature to need to be seen. i like to tell myself that they'll feel bad that they didn't see me before i ctb'd but it's not a comfort it doesn't ease me at night because ill never know what it felt like to finally be noticed for once. i wish they knew they i was only trying to visit them to tell them what they meant to me and it was meaningful to me to see them before i ended my like this coming saturday.
