Help What’s wrong with me?

[joegoes100]

Why is it that I only ever feel okay or normal when someone gives me attention. I can't emotionally provide for my self at all. I'll literally be completely ready to kms one second, but if someone even responds to me when I talk i feel better. Idrk how to describe it but if you get what I'm saying is this some kind of mental condition or am I just a loser?

 

[aRose]

Not a loser. Social interactions are kinda a huge part of being a healthy human. That's why we use isolation as a form of torture, ya know?

It may be a MH concern to some degree but I don't have that degree to judge you with

So you ever talk to yourself out loud? Sometimes that helps me. I do lil video diary type things and play them back to myself to check if I even make any damn sense. The validation helps a lot when I can't find anyone to talk with.

 

[joegoes100]

Not a loser. Social interactions are kinda a huge part of being a healthy human. That's why we use isolation as a form of torture, ya know?

It may be a MH concern to some degree but I don't have that degree to judge you with

So you ever talk to yourself out loud? Sometimes that helps me. I do lil video diary type things and play them back to myself to check if I even make any damn sense. The validation helps a lot when I can't find anyone to talk with.

That's true.

I don't talk to my self out loud but I frequently reflect on my self and things I've done but in my head I'll say "you suck" instead of "I suck" for example.
That's a good method but I the way I sound and look so I don't think I could do that.

 

[aRose]

For me it's kind of a replacement for journaling. I often just do voice memos or point that camera at the sky and talk.
I shit talk myself often too.
I'm pretty sure all of us here are having some form or another of MH issues, otherwise we'd never have joined such a forum.

 

[joegoes100]

For me it's kind of a replacement for journaling. I often just do voice memos or point that camera at the sky and talk.
I shit talk myself often too.
I'm pretty sure all of us here are having some form or another of MH issues, otherwise we'd never have joined such a forum.

That's most likely true lol.

 

[kufajoy]

Hey hey we all feel the same way and that's why we are here in this site. Right ?
It you want someone to talk to I'm here. Not very good at English though.

 

[joegoes100]

Hey hey we all feel the same way and that's why we are here in this site. Right ?
It you want someone to talk to I'm here. Not very good at English though.

Haha that's true

 

[chillino]

I do know that feeling
If i feel seen and loved/liked I am not depressed at all

 

[dewasrite]

That is actually super normal, and yes, a mental health thing. Well… super normal AMONG mental health things, if that makes sense. Like… yes, we probably all have some sort of mental health diagnosis(Dx). As far as those Dx go- the feelings you describe are seen in a lot of different Dx, so… normal. I am not sure if you are thinking about recovery or set on ctb and I am not here to judge you but if you were considering recovery/therapy/whatever 3rd thing, you may want to know that DBT does actually address that. The journaling and voice memos are helpful for a lot of people too.

 

[PI3.14]

Why would you be a loser for that?

Just like the others said, social interaction is big part of what makes us humans, otherwise solitary confinement won't be considered a torture.

I know the idea that one should be happy being alone and enjoy their own company, I find it problematic, as many will start wondering why they're not feeling happy with themselves and why they feel that they need others to interact with them.

I think childhood can play a role ofc, like whether your parents neglected you or not, cus if they did, you might feel like you need others more than "the average". It's still important though to realize that humans are social species, and so there is no shame in seeking that.

 

[joegoes100]

That is actually super normal, and yes, a mental health thing. Well… super normal AMONG mental health things, if that makes sense. Like… yes, we probably all have some sort of mental health diagnosis(Dx). As far as those Dx go- the feelings you describe are seen in a lot of different Dx, so… normal. I am not sure if you are thinking about recovery or set on ctb and I am not here to judge you but if you were considering recovery/therapy/whatever 3rd thing, you may want to know that DBT does actually address that. The journaling and voice memos are helpful for a lot of people too.

Thanks for all of the info and input.
I don't have a good time with therapy honestly. But yeah, I'm pretty set on ctb, I'm on the fence with going through tonight.

Why would you be a loser for that?

Just like the others said, social interaction is big part of what makes us humans, otherwise solitary confinement won't be considered a torture.

I know the idea that one should be happy being alone and enjoy their own company, I find it problematic, as many will start wondering why they're not feeling happy with themselves and why they feel that they need others to interact with them.

I think childhood can play a role ofc, like whether your parents neglected you or not, cus if they did, you might feel like you need others more than "the average". It's still important though to realize that humans are social species, and so there is no shame in seeking that.

It's just so sad. Everyone else I know is okay with their own presence, while it's the complete opposite for me. I just wanted to be like everyone else in a way.
I had a great childhood, I had affection from friends and family and never had a reason for any of this to happen.

 

[dewasrite]

I really am so sorry you feel this way. It is so hard. I feel like everyone else got some kind of instruction manual for life and I don't know how to get a copy. I read somewhere once that seahorses are actually terrible swimmers and it is not uncommon for them to drown, despite living in the water. I remember thinking that was a perfect way to describe how I feel day to day. Like I'm just kind of hanging on to whatever is around me so I don't drown. It's okay to feel like therapy isn't for you, but please don't ctb unless you are 1000% sure. It's the only decision you can make but, assuming you are successful, also the only decision you can't "come back from" (for lack of a better way to put it).

 

[joegoes100]

I really am so sorry you feel this way. It is so hard. I feel like everyone else got some kind of instruction manual for life and I don't know how to get a copy. I read somewhere once that seahorses are actually terrible swimmers and it is not uncommon for them to drown, despite living in the water. I remember thinking that was a perfect way to describe how I feel day to day. Like I'm just kind of hanging on to whatever is around me so I don't drown. It's okay to feel like therapy isn't for you, but please don't ctb unless you are 1000% sure. It's the only decision you can make but, assuming you are successful, also the only decision you can't "come back from" (for lack of a better way to put it).

I never knew/thought of that. That's a beautiful analogy, and I feel the same way honestly.
To be honest, I'm not 100% sure, but I'm just to tied of being my self. I don't want to be me any more even if it means being nothing. It's hard for me to accept that there's nothing left for me, but I don't even think I want there to be anything left for me.

 

[dewasrite]

I never knew/thought of that. That's a beautiful analogy, and I feel the same way honestly.
To be honest, I'm not 100% sure, but I'm just to tied of being my self. I don't want to be me any more even if it means being nothing. It's hard for me to accept that there's nothing left for me, but I don't even think I want there to be anything left for me.

If you don't mind my asking (you don't have to answer), why do you say there is nothing left for you? I understand the feeling completely, I even posted in the recovery section about feeling like I might be too old to get better, so you are not alone there. I think a lot about how often my perception of what is happening is accurate or if my mind is lying to me, you know? I feel like you can see it all the time with others but not always with ourselves. I hope that makes sense

 

[joegoes100]

I think a lot about how often my perception of what is happening is accurate or if my mind is lying to me, you know?

Yea I get that too. But I just can't feel anything positive for my self. I hate the way I look, the way I act, and things I've done. I know it's all changeable, but I have no will to do anything with my self anymore. Whenever I get close to getting better or feeling good I lose whatever it was. For example I was doing a lot better, but then I broke my collarbone and lost my wrestling season as a senior ranked top 10 in the state. Sorry if it sounds like I'm venting btw. People have told me to find something to love (like a hobby) but I can't feel love for anything anymore. I don't want to spend the rest of my life being this miserable.

 

[DontTouchMeImFamous]

is this some kind of mental condition or am I just a loser?

It's a human thing. We are social beings and we need each other to survive . It's evolution, it's nature, it's how we are built.

 

[dewasrite]

Yea I get that too. But I just can't feel anything positive for my self. I hate the way I look, the way I act, and things I've done. I know it's all changeable, but I have no will to do anything with my self anymore. Whenever I get close to getting better or feeling good I lose whatever it was. For example I was doing a lot better, but then I broke my collarbone and lost my wrestling season as a senior ranked top 10 in the state. Sorry if it sounds like I'm venting btw. People have told me to find something to love (like a hobby) but I can't feel love for anything anymore. I don't want to spend the rest of my life being this miserable.

The bit about not wanting to spend the rest of your life miserable, that's fair. Venting, that's always okay. Never be sorry for that. I have never participated in a sport, team or solo but I do often think about the huge impact a sport/season ending injury can have on an athlete. That is a real loss. Especially in your case, senior ranked top 10, that's huge. There is no shame in going through a grieving process. I guess the point I am trying to make is that no matter what you choose, you absolutely owe it to yourself to make sure you are being reasonable. Like… is your decision being made because you are grieving, or have suffered a trauma? If that's the case, you deserve the opportunity to come out of this stronger. I don't wanna say "give it time", cause let's face it- that sucks. But just this conversation alone tells me that you probably have it together enough to get through this part that is obviously shit right now and then get back on track. Whatever that looks like for you. Maybe wrestling, university, career… I can't tell you why but I am totally getting a "joegoes100 is gonna feel a lot better soon" kinda vibe. For what it's worth.

 

[joegoes100]

To be completely honest, I was going to commit suicide after my season was over, because I only decided to live longer to carry out my season. I forgot to mention that. The injury was like the cherry on top in a way.
Thank you for the support though, it means a lot.

 

[dewasrite]

To be completely honest, I was going to commit suicide after my season was over, because I only decided to live longer to carry out my season. I forgot to mention that. The injury was like the cherry on top in a way.
Thank you for the support though, it means a lot.

Idk if it's the (would be) social worker in me, I have my 4yr degree not my masters, or the mom side, but my remarks are genuine. I am getting something from you that I am not getting from others on the forum. Not in a creepy way. Your posts sort of read like you know in your head that there is something better further down the road but you aren't sure in your heart how to get there. I sincerely hope you are able to find the path that is right for you.

 

[joegoes100]

Idk if it's the (would be) social worker in me, I have my 4yr degree not my masters, or the mom side, but my remarks are genuine. I am getting something from you that I am not getting from others on the forum. Not in a creepy way. Your posts sort of read like you know in your head that there is something better further down the road but you aren't sure in your heart how to get there. I sincerely hope you are able to find the path that is right for you.

Don't worry it isn't creepy at all.
To be honest, you're completely right except for one part. I am not sure that I am able to achieve something better. I know I'm young, and I still would have a lot to change, but I just truly don't believe I have it in me. I was able to accept this though, and I'm at peace with dying without achieving whatever would've been down the road. I don't want spend a life chasing it.