Discussion What's the reason you didn't CTB?

[vyvanceandvodka]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I joined last night so I'm still learning how to use this site. I was curious on reasons why people decided to not CTB. My reason is that deep down I feel like a coward since I'm afraid of death. I have no faith so the thought of death scares me, but that doesn't stop me from feeling suicidal everyday. The ideation has gotten worse since 2024. I admitted myself into an IOP in 2025 because I was planning on hanging myself. I still don't feel okay, but it is what it is. The only way I would go out now would be a self inflicted gunshot wound, but I have no idea how to use a gun or how to attain one. It feels like a a prison. I want nothing more than to die, but I can't go through with it.

 

[preachyflockk]

I'm also something of a coward, I can't get myself to shake off the feeling that things might get better even though I know they won't

 

[Shiitake]

Feels like im in a game where im supposed to collect reasons to Ctb

 

[vyvanceandvodka]

I'm also something of a coward, I can't get myself to shake off the feeling that things might get better even though I know they won't

I'm the same way. I want to get married one day and graduate college. I want to be around for that, but my life hasn't been good in years. I have a feeling deep down none of that will happen in my lifetime.

Feels like im in a game where im supposed to collect reasons to Ctb

LMAO nooo that's not my intention! I'm just looking for reasons to keep going. I'm running out of hope.

 

[preachyflockk]

I'm the same way. I want to get married one day and graduate college. I want to be around for that, but my life hasn't been good in years. I have a feeling deep down none of that will happen in my lifetime.

The big reason I'm still around is that I don't want to hurt my only friend

 

[Deepdense]

I'm less afraid of dying but more afraid of not living. I don't know if how I word it makes sense though.

 

[vyvanceandvodka]

The big reason I'm still around is that I don't want to hurt my only friend.

I understand the feeling. :(

 

[Sphinxi]

coward and afraid of death

Why do you think that this is cowardly? Death seems like one of the most reasonable things to be afraid of, no?

 

[vyvanceandvodka]

Why do you think that this is cowardly? Death seems like one of the most reasonable things to be afraid of, no?

That's a fair point. I'm very hard on myself. I would never think of someone else to be a coward if they backed out. But when I back out, I beat myself up. I have terrible self esteem.

 

[Sphinxi]

But when I back out, I beat myself up. I have terrible self esteem.

Most people who commit suicide are foolhardy, you just weren't. You didn't kill yourself because you didn't want to. "I don't want to die" is a good reason to not ctb

 

[vyvanceandvodka]

Most people who commit suicide are foolhardy, you just weren't. You didn't kill yourself because you didn't want to. "I don't want to die" is a good reason to not ctb

You're right. Sometimes it just feels like suicide is the only way out of the mental illness I'm suffering from. I hope life will start to feel better this year for me. :(

 

[ceelobling]

One is it's scary to just end it right there. In 2025, I tried thinking sn but I couldn't do it. I kept standing there for like ten minutes trying to make myself drink it and I kept putting the cup to my mouth, but I physically could not do it. Second is I haven't done anything with my life. The only noteworthy thing I did in my life was finish high school, which is literally nothing. If I give life another chance, maybe I can actually turn it into something.

 

[VitriolLD]

You're right. Sometimes it just feels like suicide is the only way out of the mental illness I'm suffering from. I hope life will start to feel better this year for me. :(

What mental illness are you suffering from? If you don't mind sharing

 

[vyvanceandvodka]

What mental illness are you suffering from? If you don't mind sharing

Major depressive disorder, anxiety, and PTSD. When I was first diagnosed with PTSD, that's when everything went down hill. I have ADHD as well which ruins my executive functioning. Makes the most simple tasks difficult. It's awful. :((

 

[nitrogenous]

My mean of ctb hasn't arrived at my place yet. Although in saying that, ever since I've ordered it, my SI somehow deescalate so much so now I'm not sure if I'm going to go through it. I might hold on for a bit longer and see how things goes…

 

[Seneca65AD]

Probably because I think it would devastate my wife and daughter - even though there is a definite tax-free financial benefit to me checking out. And there is "hope" that 2026 is going to be better than 2025.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I'm not scared of Death. Death is just like going back in time to the time before you were born.

I only fear remaining alive after a suicide attempt with more brain damage or other physical damage and not being able to kill myself.

i didn't exist for 13.8 billion years. i didn't have any problems nor a chance of extreme torture. this changed when they birthed me into this hell as a bag of 30 trilion cells that constantly has to feed those cells and as a brain that can suffer unending constant unbearable pain.. that's only the begging of the horror.

yeah this hell called life is fleeting and i'll return back to Non-Existence this time for good but in the meantime i could fall into a trap of unending constant unbearable pain every second for decades. that's the problem skipping any excruciating pain while i'm alive.

i don't fear Eternal Non-Existence because i can't suffer , i can't feel unbearable pain, no problems no bad memories if i don't exist .but i can suffer all these horrors and more while i'm alive. Permanent Non-Existence is the ideal state for me and what i desire greatly not fear it why fear the time before i was born?

Non-existence forever is the ultimate perfection : the only guarantee of never suffering so badly it's a billion times worse than the worst hell you can imagine.

I only fear remaining alive with more brain damage or other physical damage and not being able to kill myself.

we all live for breif time then cease to exist for all time, just like a fly , a fish, which i am that an animal. in 1000 years there won't be trace any of the 8 billion alive now ever lived. in 1000 years it will be as if all alive now never existed in the first place . in a trillion years even more so and also there wont't be a trace that DNA life and the nightmare called Earth ever existed . in a trillion years it will be as if evil DNA life and this evil prison world Earth ever existed . some people have been taught to believe that they'll still be alive in the Entropic universe a trillion trillion to the quadrillion power years after the Earth Sun and stars died as some kind of afterlife kinda difficult when all the stars have died and even black holes and protons decayed and the universe continues to expand forever into nothingness where no energy could ever be total heat Death . but to me that concept of a human outliving the stars and universe i'll never belive since a human is just another small animal no different than any other machine in the universe

a human is just an animal, cells, chemical reactions a machine. i'm just a mouse,lizard, bug, but another horror is that my brain believes it's something more something special

 

[Gabbi_Station]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I joined last night so I'm still learning how to use this site. I was curious on reasons why people decided to not CTB. My reason is that deep down I feel like a coward since I'm afraid of death. I have no faith so the thought of death scares me, but that doesn't stop me from feeling suicidal everyday. The ideation has gotten worse since 2024. I admitted myself into an IOP in 2025 because I was planning on hanging myself. I still don't feel okay, but it is what it is. The only way I would go out now would be a self inflicted gunshot wound, but I have no idea how to use a gun or how to attain one. It feels like a a prison. I want nothing more than to die, but I can't go through with it.

Right now? Partially because I'm uninsured and if I fail it'll probably ruin me financially…

But also because I'm in that weird state of anhedonia where you're so depressed and burnt out that even the idea of working up the energy to try and cbt is too much.

The problem for me always has been that I need the right kind of turmoil to try and cbt. It has to be the right balance of hopelessness and motivation. Too much despair and I just become a nihilistic zombie or totally agoraphobic.

 

[vyvanceandvodka]

Right now? Partially because I'm uninsured and if I fail it'll probably ruin me financially…

But also because I'm in that weird state of anhedonia where you're so depressed and burnt out that even the idea of working up the energy to try and cbt is too much.

The problem for me always has been that I need the right kind of turmoil to try and cbt. It has to be the right balance of hopelessness. Too much and I just become a nihilistic zombie or totally agoraphobic.

I relate to this. Medical debt is crippling. I also understand feeling burnt out. It's suffocating. Wishing you and I the best with what we have.

 

[Gabbi_Station]

I relate to this. Medical debt is crippling. I also understand feeling burnt out. It's suffocating. Wishing you and I the best with what we have.

Yeah; I remember my first therapist telling me when I tried Prozac that you have to really watch patients when they start feeling "better"…because that's when they're most likely to attempt again.

That when their depression is "severe" they're actually less likely to attempt because they can't find the motivation…

I always thought it was kind of BS… but looking back at the times I attempted versus the periods of ideation … it might be somewhat true.

 

[Realog11]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I joined last night so I'm still learning how to use this site. I was curious on reasons why people decided to not CTB. My reason is that deep down I feel like a coward since I'm afraid of death. I have no faith so the thought of death scares me, but that doesn't stop me from feeling suicidal everyday. The ideation has gotten worse since 2024. I admitted myself into an IOP in 2025 because I was planning on hanging myself. I still don't feel okay, but it is what it is. The only way I would go out now would be a self inflicted gunshot wound, but I have no idea how to use a gun or how to attain one. It feels like a a prison. I want nothing more than to die, but I can't go through with it.

I ate too much and I felt like if I did use sn to ctb I would puked so I'm fasting

 

[deathisapanacea]

Scared of the consequences of a failed attempt.

 

[lawlietsph]

the deep fear of causing myself a long, painful death. i'm also scared that i'm going to end up as a vegetable somehow and be trapped in my own body.
i fuck up everything in life, so my theory is that i would most likely fuck up suicide too.

 

[inkmage333]

I'm a coward + I don't want to survive the next attempt (as I have before) because it's expensive to survive an attempt + need to find a method where survival instinct won't interfere + need to find a way to do it outdoors, so I won't leave a giant mess inside when I do it

 

[Bowerbird]

pet dove

 

[Arvayn]

In the midst of when I was actively dying, my girlfriend at the time pleaded with me to call an ambulance and lovebombed me as I was saying goodbyes, which persuaded me (now that I have the hindsight of knowing she dumped me later, I view that decision as having been redundant on my part).
Nowadays, post-recovery, I stick around out of interest for my hobbies and studies. I do not feel a strong desire to live; but I do not feel a desire to die, either. I do not believe I am long for this world, but I have been stable as of the last few months.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'd be long gone if dying peacefully wasn't a crime in this dreadful, horrific world, it's just so evil to me how we exist in this prison like anti-suicide world where many humans do all they can to force and prolong the suffering and torture of existing, all that anti-suicide people want is for others to be tortured in this existence for as long as possible, it's just horrific extreme cruelty to me.

It's so terrible how humans impose this existence onto others just causing all this dreadful suffering there was never a need for at all as a result with no limit as to how much one can be tortured yet make it a crime to peacefully cease existing with no more pain and suffering, to suffer in this existence truly is a terrible mistake to me, I'll always see it as an abomination to exist, I always suffer so unbearably from being trapped in this painful, torturous existence, all I want is true peace from the evil and torture of existing.

 

[opalite_muffler]

Two reasons. First, I'm simply a pathetic coward. Each time I wanted to attempt and have been genuinely close to CTB, I chickened out. Second, I don't want to selfishly take away chunk of my little brothers' childhood by erasing myself so suddenly out of their lives. I'm well aware of the fact I've been a bad sister, but there's STILL some form of bond between us. I don't want to expose them to death of someone so close to them so early on

 

[Dawnfang11]

I feel bad for everyone I'd leave behind. I have plenty of reasons to ctb; my social situation is not one of them. I know if I died, many people would grieve over it: friends, family, my roommates. It makes it hard to go through with. At the same time, I tell myself, "If I have such a support system, maybe I can try to live?"

 

[gasforme]

I'm more afraid of it not working and leaving me in a worse state so I go read more about it. Even though I've read everything possible at this point I feel like I'm just personally procrastinating.