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mythesiah

mythesiah

New Member
Jul 10, 2025
3
What's keeping you from CTB?

I have my own reasons. I want to hear yours as well.
 
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playalistic

playalistic

LLJODYWOAH
Jul 5, 2025
32
What's keeping you from CTB?

I have my own reasons. I want to hear yours as well.
i'm gonna make a bucketlist of places & people i need to see & music i need to listen to one last time before i die
after i finish that bucketlist i will be at peace
im gonna drive everywhere in a 2-3 hour radius that has ever had sentimental value to me. some places will be difficult to visit due to the memories attached im ngl. but i definitely need to do it before i go. will make the decision to ctb easier when the time comes

i also have a lot of arrangements i need to make, my will, letter, final texts/emails to send, whatever

i'll hopefully be outa here by september or october, sometime after my 21st bday
 
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dust-in-the-wind

dust-in-the-wind

Animal Lover
Aug 24, 2024
741
Fear of the dying process and/or failing.
 
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Manic Panic

Manic Panic

The Black Dahlia
Jan 5, 2025
765
Timing , my depression makes me attach to my bed...
 
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TransTaxEvader

TransTaxEvader

what's next?
Feb 22, 2025
257
For the moment, it's my fiancé.
 
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TooManyChances

TooManyChances

Member
Jun 30, 2025
50
Resources and SI are a big reason.

I tried drowning, it was beyond scary to say the least, I tried twice and knew it wasn't gonna happen. SI is crazy.

I don't want to try the traditional methods of drowning, hanging or jumping cause they might fail and require planning and timing.

Guns are off-limits. No access in a legal way. I don't trust someone enough to sell me one. Besides, the gunshot method could fail so it's not bulletproof.

Overdoses almost never work, so I'm not trying that and giving myself a bad trip. SN might work, but I can't just order it. I don't love alone and can't leave alone.

I'm trying my own method, it's vsed with extra steps. Trying to induce myself hypokalemia and hypomagnesemia. Hopefully, my heart stops beating. This will take a hell of a long time tho, weeks or months. Probably won't work, but I'll lose weight in the process.

If you mean what's stopping me emotionally, well, nothing lol. Tho I still think it's a shame I didn't get to experience more things.
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
44,096
Because I exist in this horrific anti-suicide world where I'm denied the option to cease existing peacefully that is guaranteed with suicide seen as a crime, it's all so terrible and dreadful to me and no matter what I'll always see it as an abomination to suffer in this existence I always saw as a mistake.

I'd just always prefer to not exist than suffer so unnecessarily in this deeply undesirable, dreadful existence just to decay and die anyway, I always suffer so much from being burdened with this torturous, futile existence where there is no limit as to how much agony one can feel, all I want is to not exist, only non-existence is positive for me and is all that can bring me any peace.
 
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N

NeroJune9th

Member
Jul 15, 2025
5
Uncertainty of the effectiveness of the methods available to me. Also I'm just so tired, I barely have the energy to get out of bed, much less "ctb".
 
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Grog

Grog

Be good to yourself.
Jun 3, 2025
281
I have good friends that make my life worth living~
 
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failedmind

failedmind

Student
Oct 31, 2024
115
my mom. also im scared. :(
 
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N

NoHorizon

Experienced
Nov 22, 2022
294
Fear. That'll it won't work, that it'll be agonising, that the aftermath if I don't succeed will be horrible, but the only reason for me is just different forms of fear.
 
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P

popcorn1234

Member
Aug 7, 2022
42
It's mainly logistical reasons (I live with my dad and my mom (my mom isn't a good parent and my dad kind of just wants to keep the family together, even though deep down inside, he knows what she is capable of)) and the fear of not succeeding CTB (I could end up in a psych ward, which is the last place I want to be. They treated me like I was less than human).
 
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Ijustcantanymore

Ijustcantanymore

Student
Nov 22, 2024
197
My partner and the fact that it's going to be excruciating and brutal.
 
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Defenestration

Defenestration

I want to have the courage to defenestrate myself
Oct 25, 2020
1,469
Family, Alzheimer mother
 
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Aiyuxiao

Aiyuxiao

Arcanist
Mar 28, 2025
407
My husband. Idk how much more longer I can take though :( And I feel like a horrible person about that
 
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NonEssential

NonEssential

Hanging in there
Jan 15, 2025
476
Mostly because of SI and family members. My want to ctb is more about leaving when things become unbearable. Life's bad, but still somewhat tolerable for now I think.
 
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ultradespair

ultradespair

Shut-in
Jul 25, 2025
31
my mom, cats and everything that would happen after a failed attempt
 
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F

Forveleth

I knew I forgot to do something when I was 15...
Mar 26, 2024
2,405
I have two failed attempts under my belt so technically I am still here because I was not successful previously. :wink:

I have a rule not to make an attempt unless I "feel ready". I merely have not felt that way recently as I have found little things to keep me going.
 
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Homeward_Bound

Homeward_Bound

Member
Jul 26, 2025
6
Fear of pain (SI kicking in). Some things I want to do before ctb. a few aren't realistic (eg. traveling, though I'd love to see the Grand Canyon one more time), others are more so (I want to make a good comfort meal for myself). To an extent I worry about my parents finding me, which is why I'm leaning towards the drowning method since it can be plausibly considered accidental. Unfortunately my circumstances have my back against the wall so it's looking pretty inevitable that I'll have to ctb sooner than later.
 
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F

Foxcompany2nd3rd

Member
Jul 24, 2025
55
Im in my 40s, and Ive thought about suicide since I was a child, almost daily. The only way I can keep from thinking about suicide is if I drown myself in videogames and other things, but when Im just lying around Im always thinking about it, and its paralyzed my life. Im frozen in time half dead and half alive. I own many guns and put them against my head loaded and ready to go many times but never manage to go through with it. Ive had a noose around my neck many times while I stand on a stool but never manage to let myself step off the ledge. I dont know what keeps me here, I have no future, Ive worked under the table for most of my life so i dont have a pension or social security check coming. My future is bleak As Fuck. I have no plans or ambition's because i could be dead tomorrow. I cope by telling myself that so I dont need to go out into the world and make something of myself.

There are a few small reasons, but beyond that its really a mystery why Im still here.
1. fear of the pain if i screw it up
2. fear of being found too soon and being a vegetable and trapped as a prisoner in my body
3. fear of the unknown in the afterlife
4. a biology thing aka self preservation mechanism i cannot override

A lot of these fears are because im Autistic and impulsive as fuck and will do things on a whim. So its why i fear i will bungle it up or be found. I think I will succeed eventually, I cant imagine myself in my 60s+ and still miserable as fuck and very likely homeless. I will definitely do it before I reach an age i am no longer able to physically move properly, right now im still healthy.

and to be fair, im a total coward, im mentally weak, Ive always ran away from all my problems in life. I think my autism has a lot to do with it, but maybe its a cope.
 
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L

Little_Blue_Train

Member
Feb 22, 2025
21
I need to give birth first, but then the decision will be more problematic anyway so I'm pretty stuck. I don't know if I would feel okay to leave the baby, so most likely I will not CTB and just continue.
 
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X

Xenudidnothingwrong

Member
Jun 21, 2025
7
Honestly, it's the logistics of doing it. From what I've researched SN and gunshot are the only two options I'd be comfortable with. Possibly inert gas, but I'm not sure I could get it to work.

At the moment, I'm coming up short on a search for either of these things
 
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K

knickknack81

Member
Apr 28, 2025
67
It's a combination of a couple of things.

1. The difficulty of CTB in terms of resources and doing it in a way that is not super painful and might not make things worse than they actually are. The fear of messing it up and being in worst shape is somewhat worse than actually dying. Guns and SN are not easily available where I live. Jumping and hanging are my best options and those still freak me out and I fear my SI would kick in.

2. The idea of hurting the few friends and loved ones I had really weighs on me. While I have lost touch with many people in my life and my family life is not great, I do know that if I was gone, it would hurt them and bringing them that level on pain and sadness does bother me.

3. Still the thought of things getting better. Not being 100 percent sure that this is what I want to do. There are still a handful of things in my life that bring me joy and those are what keep me going.

Now all of this many change in the weeks, months, years to come. But for now, these are what keep me around.
 
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F

FtMoidlet

Member
Jul 20, 2025
9
Fear of failure/SI, and the grief I'd give my family.
 
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darksouls

darksouls

Enlightened
May 10, 2025
1,015
fear of the unknown
I think death is the beginning of something new
 
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overload

overload

SPREADING DISEASE SINCE 2003 🇮🇹🪞
Feb 16, 2025
39
fear of failure, SI, maybe the fact that i don't really want to die, irrational fear of post mortem

uncertainties about my method that i must solve quickly
 
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