What living with bpd is like

[bl33ding_heart]

Living with bpd is like the literal mental equivalent of hell. It's a never ending loop of suffering that no amount of therapy will get you out of. No matter how hard you work to better yourself, you will always end up back at square one. You will always end up being that crying and hurting soul begging for it to stop. Learning to deal with your emotions only benefits your loved ones and the people around you. Not you. You will still be feeling the pain of all of your deep and intense emotions no matter how hard you try to hide or suppress it. We have to deal with a constant turmoil of pain and suffering and on top of that cause other people pain and suffering due to our symptoms. It's like a slow and painful mental cancer slowly burning away at our ability to even keep existing. No one besides other people with bpd will ever be able to truly understand how painful and excruciating it feels. They will demonise and look down upon us, but could never even begin to understand the constant roller coaster of emotions we go through. Personally, I'm most symptomatic when I'm in a relationship/have a favourite person. And just avoiding dating altogether seems like the solution to that. But without being in love and being loved my life feels utterly worthless. I feel a strong sense of depression and deep emptiness all the way to my core that can only be fulfilled by the thrill of love. Without love in my life I feel so disgustingly empty and pointless it's hard fighting the urge to just kill myself. The only thing that gives me a reason to live drives my symptoms to an all time high, and steering away from it will make me wanna die even more. There's really no winning here no matter how I look at it. The only reason I'm still alive is cus I can't stop deluding myself into thinking it can get better. I never got to.live the happy and peaceful life I've always wanted, and losing that opportunity terrifies me way more then death ever could. If I felt that there was absolutely zero room improvement and happiness I would easily be able to kill myself without hesitation. Infact I probably would of done so long ago. But that delusion keeps me alive. And keeps me suffering even more.

 

[whywere]

Not only dies my heart break for you, I also have BPD extremely bad and all the hell that goes with it.

The ups, downs and everything in between, it is so exhausting, it is like my head is doing a long-distance marathon with no darn ending to it ever.

Oh, yes, I have had not only folks that I have met, BUT medical folks who roll their eyes at me, just so darn understanding, all of them, NOT!

HOWEVER, you are a wonderful person and having you here as a good friend and a family member makes you so extremely valuable and you are a beacon of humanity to me and hopefully back to you also.

We are ALL in this TOGETHER and you are such an important part.

Have a great rest of this week filled with sunny blue skies and hugs and love.

Walter

 

[Natbee]

I feel you, I have BPD as well and it's never ending pain and suffering. It's a passage of pain and suffering that never stops. Sending you love and strength as I am struggling here too with BPD and GAD and MDD

 

[Parnate]

I don't have it . But I have seen it in movies and it is very painful to see, can't imagine how painful it must be to experience that.

 

[true-ending]

it's awful, right...? glad to know there's others here with it ^^

 

[Endisclose]

I concur..I have bipolar disorder too and for a long time I thought it was the main reason for my quality of life being so bad, but only recently did I realize that I had BPD as well and I have to say it is the main thing along with my OCD and PTSD that's affecting my quality of life.

It's just the constant rumination and the intense anger of being abused and hard done by by people I trusted. No matter how much I resolve not to to give in to it, it just takes over without me even realising and become aware only when I am neck deep into the swirling vortex of negative thoughts.

 

[Tao]

What you described is very similar to my own experience with BPD. I'm in my late 30s and have tried so many meds and therapy to change my outlook to fit into society and make myself & others happy. But the emptiness seems to be endless. Hope becomes a deceptive expectation.
There are people with BPD that swear they have gotten better or in remission but I don't think most are that lucky.
Worse yet once someone finds out I have BPD (because I'm an idiot and think I can trust them with my diagnosis) they use it against me to gaslight and invalidate my thoughts and feelings. If I disagree with them or talk back they are saying I'm having an "episode." This leads to me not trusting even more.
Most people I've met with BPD are full of empathy, compassion and accept their diagnosis because they want to heal but suffer from a constant battle with their own brain.
Is healing possible? Maybe. I've tried DBT and it was useful for a while.
May we find healthy ways to cope and heal. If not me then you.

 

[FoxSauce]

I also have BPD and its hell. You described it so well. Especially the dating bit I decided for now im not gonna date for that reason. Im not gonna let my significant other (theoretically) see me in my worst moments and make them suffer.

I am doing DBT, finished group therapy about a month ago. Skill are great but I rather not deal with my emotions. I rather
cope by distracting myself. I feel I cant trust no yet I can? Super confusing.

The emotions just are too much to handle as well.


Ifk if anyone here had hallucinations but it happens to me over intense stress (I havent seen in a while)

Sorry for the long rant