Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[FoolsExpedition]

Some things I'm feeling right now:

Jealousy- i get jealous of the people on here that get so much interaction, attention, posts and comments on their profiles and things they post in the forums and well wishes. How bad do you have to be that not even other downbeaten people want anything to do with you?
And I really hate feeling negative emotions, I know that i have RSD and that at least explains it but feeling these negative emotions makes me feel like a monster, like i'm so far up my own ass that maybe i deserve bad things. and even saying that, i feel like i'm acting self-important

Guilt- if i had been stronger, calmer, less rash, maybe they'd still be here.

Anxiety- fear of the future, upcoming birthday

Exhaustion- fatigue has been hitting me hard, i can't sleep and then when i finally do it's something like 14 hours at a time and i don't wake up feeling refreshed or well at all

 

[mars2027]

I have nothing to hold on to. I have no purpose or reason to remain here. I am an absolute failure in every sense of the word. Just a waste of oxygen and resources.

 

[Bitch With An Apple]

I had a dream last night that I had two birds on my shoulders. On my left an eagle and on my right a hawk. They were super cuddly. It was a weirdly good dream.

 

[tailsmilesprowler]

Im not feeling anything rn I feel sweaty and hot and i dont like it and i dont like how the rest of my body feels either, just incongruent.

 

[violetforever]

i cant help but think that im irreversibly depressed/suicidal when i even cry after coming home from doing something that is supposed to make me happy/improve my life. nothing helps. im so empty and exhausted just going through the motions.

 

[nitrogenous]

I feel so numb and empty. I feel hollow on the inside, I question whether I truly wanna die. I know I do, but why haven't I acted on it? I met my new psychologist for the second time earlier and she made me feel so horrible. But I wonder if I was the one being judgmental and dismissive. I feel so tired of everything. I feel lost.

 

[3spiral]

I'm feeling anxious... I feel like nobody's gonna actually like me I feel the need to retreat into my own world and then die because I got nothing to lose that way

but somehow I also feel numb. do you ever feel like you should be more bothered by a situation than you actually are? that you should be feeling more, and everything you wanna do is to wake up. and then you resort to self sabotage because feeling bad makes you actually feel more alive someway

 

[GoldenTicket]

Horrible anxiety, awful heart palpitations, tight chest and a nagging sense of dread. I've always been an anxious person but I've been going through some major stressers recently and the sensations have been torture, I've felt like this for 3 days straight now.

I wish I could rip my heart out, I've tried everything to relax, meditation, breathing, distraction, my bodies just hellbent on being panicked it seems.

 

[Enyan]

Scared and hopeless. In deep regret over what happened to me. If not for one tiny decision, one routine medical test... I'd be happy. Not just not-suicidal, not just okay, no. Happy. My life was... wonderful. And now it's all gonna be over.

 

[Manaaja]

Funny how people who say they have dyslexia almost always have a lot better reading comprehension than people who think they are normal and good. Maybe all people should be diagnosed with dyslexia and forced to be open about their diagnosis?! Average reading comprehension would go from 2/10 to 7/10.

As for Eurovision. Is there any proof of the votes other than "believe us and our data"? Anyone can say X got most votes, Y got second most votes, Z got third most votes. But who can prove it? I don't for one second trust the votes.

In sports, like cross country skiing, a random person can come and finish faster than all the front runners and favorites and it's an undeniable fact you can see for yourself. You can't claim it was fake.

You can believe they sabotaged the skis and sticks and should be disqualified, but you can't lie that someone didn't finish first. Even then anyone can see A finished the finish line first, B second, C third, even if A cheated. You can say "A cheated and needs to be disqualified, their win isn't legit and fair" but you can't say "A wasn't the first one to cross the finish line, it was actually Ö from Ö-planet".

In a song contest, anyone can lie and claim "X got 555 points, Y got 444 points, Z got 333 points, X is the winner!". Where is the proof? There is none.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

Lol, the lord must be pissed at me for watching suicide vids bc lighting just struck a few feet away from my place. XD

 

[scordatura]

Migraine. Isolated. Exhausted. I feel like I'm being punished. Less and less connected to anything everyday. Wanting and yearning is only plaguing my existence further. I feel ill, alienated. When will I finally let go of holding on?

 

[Bishop]

why am I still waking up?!

 

[voc_89]

i'm at a better stage of my SI. I have calmness and control. Not often. I would like to make this more regular88888

 

[Cavalcade]

I miss my older brother so much. It feels so pathetic, seeing glimpses of him in other people. And the immensity of grief that follows it. I hate crying about it all so much. I still don't understand.

 

[E4syW3y0u7]

Wish i had been stronger and better. Now i just want a meteorite to crash at my house and everything fading to black.Before my anger do even more harm.

 

[flowerbomb]

afraid... I told my therapist the truth

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

Thank you, everyone; you're literally the only people who interact with me.

I really don't think most of the "friends" I've made in person would notice if I died.

 

[Spit On My Grave]

Trying to find joy by watching cable TV channels

 

[star.trip]

Lately, I've been thinking about dying soon. When I see a problem or something makes me feel bad, I think, "It doesn't matter; once I'm gone, it won't be my problem anymore," and I feel a sense of relief and even peace. I think someone must have made a mistake for me to exist. I feel alone, with no one to hug or hold hands with. I feel like I don't belong in this world (either I don't understand the world, or the world doesn't understand me). My own existence and life are too much for me to handle.
sad

 

[violetforever]

i should to remember to differentiate that sometimes when i cry, theyre tears of being overwhelmed with love and not sadness

 

[Cavalcade]

Very frustrated. I wanted to eat after not having done so all day, and working up the desire to do so is a tremendous expenditure of effort, given I've spiralled back into my eating disorder hardcore over the last few months, and the damn freaks are screaming and slamming furniture around and so it isn't worth it trying to dodge projectiles and expletives to try to get something substantial. I have some candy in my room that I suppose will have to do for now, but it's so aggravating not being able to eat when I want to eat.

 

[4colliez]

i don't know what sin i committed to deserve this life of constant suffering. my brain is my own personal hell, i can never escape unless i accept death

 

[turned_to_one]

i have so much on my shoulders that I don't want to be alive for what happens when i finally give everything up

 

[SleeplessAndSad]

I am torn on the decision, whether to live or to die. People can't seem to accept that some brains are just not right. This world is so overwhelming for me.
I try to connect with people but it's so hard for me.

 

[nitrogenous]

I just got discharged out of the emergency yesterday. As always, they discharged me fully knowing I was (am) still very suicidal. Being there actually felt like a torture and only make things worse. I wasn't able to sleep as I had no bed and they wouldn't give me any of my meds, including my heart medications. The withdrawals from all my mental and physical health made me feel so nauseous and I was in so much pain. All they did was just threatening me with things and ended up being impatient with me as I wouldn't or wasn't able to fill in my safety plan in the way that they liked. I don't see any hope anymore, I'm actively avoidant of everything and I am questioning myself too as to why I haven't taken it since I got discharged, well perhaps, it's because I've been so tired and depleted that I don't have the physical energy to commit.

 

[Bitch With An Apple]

I feel like this life is a parasitic infection of consciousness and it's getting worse every day
Part of avoiding suicide is sunk cost fallacy
I do not like that I've become more like the world as I've gotten older, and I'm (irrationally) afraid that the ritual of "growing up" and "adapting" has long term consequences.
I think there might be people who experience aging differently and if they do I'm probably a little jealous of them
This feels like being driven slowly soul mad. Maybe all the addictive behaviors I feed into to cope have accelerated the process
I just want everything to be okay in the end and I want this to stop. What I want is probably meaningless though. I feel like "I" am a collection of loose tethers that are holding together a ship that's stuck in an increasingly polluted ocean. I think that's why I'm afraid of dying right now. I don't want to lose myself to that ocean (not even sure what it is. the subconscious mind or whatever). If I'm delusional and it's the end of everything, that's a relief.
I really hope I'm just wrong, crazy or taking things too seriously. I hope I'm only retarded and egomaniacal and everything I thought was real will be blown apart because of how weakly constructed it is. Well not everything, I guess that's part of the problem.

Also, I wish I wasn't fat and my skin was normal so I could love someone. And I never want to have another dream about being a person on earth again but I keep having them. Mundane and mildly uncomfortable shit like school dreams (I know it sounds stupid but they feel oppressive. People are really mean in them, I'm confused and helpless, etc). Just fucking stop already. I miss when I would sleep all day and it was an escape.

I should have learned to be friendly, easy going and thoughtful.

 

[Bitch With An Apple]

On a more practical note I've been saying I'll do things in a day and not doing them for weeks now. Apartment is a mess. I have gross wet towels out. I'm trying to write a short story so that I'm doing anything and I'm only 3 pages in. It is edgy, silly and self-inserty but it feels good to do when I'm doing it. There are people who casually output so many words/ideas on a routine basis so my toddler-level vision of "doing something" is another point of shame but whatever.

 

[Sphene]

I've done 3/10 ECT sessions and I feel worse than ever. I had a failed attempt about a month ago that landed me in 5 day medical coma, followed by terrible hallucinations after being awake for 3 days straight afterwards. I wish I wasn't such a fuckup and that I could just finish it once and for all.