What are autistic people generally like when close to ctb?

[Siamese Believe]

Does it differ from neurotypicals? I can only speak for myself, I know as a level 2 I've always struggled with keeping my feelings to myself, I don't like doing it. I want to feel seen, I want to be understood.

The more isolated I became, the more I considered suicide as an exit from this. And suicide never leaves my mind.

I've had to grow to repress the urge to vent or make jokes about my pain to my family Because otherwise they only ignore me more, saying I'm too negative all the time. Funnily enough this only makes me even more isolated and suicidal.

It's like slowly falling deeper into a hole and the harder you try to escape, you slip deeper and deeper until you get swallowed whole.

 

[SpanishLullaby]

Like any other suicidal person.

IN PAIN!!

 

[autisticbrain13]

i found that last year - when i had reached the point of purchasing and stockpiling pills, my chest felt really heavy and i had more meltdowns & shutdowns. Whilst i normally mask and push myself through work, i had to call out of some shifts, which is unusual for me. i wrote out an itemised list of my room detailing who could have what & letters too.

i'm an external processor, but during that time talking took so much energy from me i just didn't.

the rumination & routine surrounding planning it was going haywire, and i remember reading this site around that time - i realised my plan was weak. and the morning i intended to do it, i realised all the steps required to leave the house and take a train, a destination not set in stone, i couldn't seem to find hotels that took cash payment (i didnt want to be followed, i realise this is quite naive.) and i couldn't pull myself out of bed, there was a stranger outside my room too fitting carpets down, i didn't want to have to see him and pass him.

perhaps i didn't actually want to, but that's the closest it's felt.