raiseurweapon
Member
- Feb 22, 2023
- 28
this is my 3rd year on this website and i always find myself coming back to it, i turn 23 this year and i remember thinking that i was at my all time low when i was on here last but omg i was so wrong.
i struggle with bipolar and ive been isolating myself since my junior year of highschool, i let someone in my life about 5 years ago and it turned out to be the worst mistake of my life. i got cheated and on and my heart broken and for most people they can move past that and move on with their life, however i fully have been obsessive about it. the fact he left for someone else, the fact i got proven no matter what i did and what i looked like i still wasnt good enough. and its so hard to think that i didnt deserve it just because even before i met him i was soooo depressed and mentally unwell, and i expressed this to him. i said i felt like i couldnt handle someone hurting me again and he waited for me for a YEAR so i let my guard down. but this was 3 years ago, he got someone else pregnant and i blame myself because maybe it was because i lacked things in the sexual aspect. i grew up not well liked, i was chubby and a weird kid. my point is i turned into a stalking depressed manic mess. this was my first real relationship and i fully changed myself and my appearance just for him. no matter what anyone says or advice they give me im deadass stuck in the past. i got my heart broken and i cannot force myself to get better. i was mentally struggling my entire life but now i have no fear of someone taking my life or taking my own. i will put myself in bad situations sometimes hoping something really really bad will happen to me. ive lost all hope, my family has given up on me it feels like and i have NO friends, i dont talk to anyone at all everyday i barely leave my house and only exist online. sometimes i have dreams about hurting every person that has abandoned me when i needed them the most. my physical health isnt doing very great either. i went from a fat loser to a disgusting girl who cant even keep a meal down. ive been on and off meds my entire life, been in and out of therapy, i feel hopeless. people sometimes try to talk to me but i just feel paralyzed in a weird way. ive been in pain and distraught for so long maybe its comforting to me now. it isnt even fully about this stupid boy that hurt me, i think i like looking for a reason of why i feel the way i do. chasing a temporary feeling of happiness. has anyone reading this ever felt that "if its not you, its nobody" type of feeling towards someone? thats how i feel. i let someone get their fingers in every fold of my brain and i just cant forget it. he was the only person that made me feel like he could save me from myself. i think thats why im so scared. the fact someone can know u like the back of their hand and still choose to fucking destroy you emotionally. how does anyone do it? am i just super weak? i just wish i could forget.
im ready to feel nothing. i dont know when, but its creeping up on me for sure ;'(
it can always get worse
my heart goes out to anyone on this website struggling. U are not alone
i struggle with bipolar and ive been isolating myself since my junior year of highschool, i let someone in my life about 5 years ago and it turned out to be the worst mistake of my life. i got cheated and on and my heart broken and for most people they can move past that and move on with their life, however i fully have been obsessive about it. the fact he left for someone else, the fact i got proven no matter what i did and what i looked like i still wasnt good enough. and its so hard to think that i didnt deserve it just because even before i met him i was soooo depressed and mentally unwell, and i expressed this to him. i said i felt like i couldnt handle someone hurting me again and he waited for me for a YEAR so i let my guard down. but this was 3 years ago, he got someone else pregnant and i blame myself because maybe it was because i lacked things in the sexual aspect. i grew up not well liked, i was chubby and a weird kid. my point is i turned into a stalking depressed manic mess. this was my first real relationship and i fully changed myself and my appearance just for him. no matter what anyone says or advice they give me im deadass stuck in the past. i got my heart broken and i cannot force myself to get better. i was mentally struggling my entire life but now i have no fear of someone taking my life or taking my own. i will put myself in bad situations sometimes hoping something really really bad will happen to me. ive lost all hope, my family has given up on me it feels like and i have NO friends, i dont talk to anyone at all everyday i barely leave my house and only exist online. sometimes i have dreams about hurting every person that has abandoned me when i needed them the most. my physical health isnt doing very great either. i went from a fat loser to a disgusting girl who cant even keep a meal down. ive been on and off meds my entire life, been in and out of therapy, i feel hopeless. people sometimes try to talk to me but i just feel paralyzed in a weird way. ive been in pain and distraught for so long maybe its comforting to me now. it isnt even fully about this stupid boy that hurt me, i think i like looking for a reason of why i feel the way i do. chasing a temporary feeling of happiness. has anyone reading this ever felt that "if its not you, its nobody" type of feeling towards someone? thats how i feel. i let someone get their fingers in every fold of my brain and i just cant forget it. he was the only person that made me feel like he could save me from myself. i think thats why im so scared. the fact someone can know u like the back of their hand and still choose to fucking destroy you emotionally. how does anyone do it? am i just super weak? i just wish i could forget.
im ready to feel nothing. i dont know when, but its creeping up on me for sure ;'(
it can always get worse
my heart goes out to anyone on this website struggling. U are not alone
