Wanting to see people's reaction to your death

[lucycelestia]

Recently I have been having a strange thought.
I have been suicidal for quite a while, but recently I have had a very specific desire to follow through with it, but paradoxically to see how the people around me would respond. If they would care, how they would react to learning I'm dead... Like a floating spirit watching over my friends and family as they learn of it. It seems like some kind of sadistic fantasy, but I am not a sadist and it does not seem like that to me, more like, wanting to know their reaction to it.

I am quite ashamed of it, it feels selfish and self-centered. Has anyone else had this desire? Please share your thoughts on the matter, if you feel comfortable doing this. Thank you in advance <3

 

[COMA]

Don't be ashamed, I have the same thing. I'm curious how many people will actually think about what they could do differently in their relationship with me. Sometimes I think to try just to get to the hospital and see who shows up and cares about me, it's just sick shit.

 

[amor.dor]

I understand what you're saying, but you must weigh your own pains first, because no one else will carry your burdens. So always prioritize yourself. After you understand yourself, then consider others,that's always important. Because your pain will end, but the pain of those who remain will continue. But remember: no matter how good your intentions, you cannot control what others feel... I speak from personal experience. My partner is already gone. But in the end, never rush this. Never act on impulse. Wait until you clearly have your objective in sight.

 

[dogdrool]

It's not an uncommon thought. Last time I attempted, a big part about why I aborted was because I was desperate to see the reactions of those around me. I even considered putting an arm or leg on the rail (and become an amputee) to stage a 'failed attempt'.

 

[ipmanwc0]

Don't be ashamed, you just want to matter to people.

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

i wonder about this a lot too. i dont think it means anything bad about you. though i also feel feelings of shame over it. i dont know why i think about this so much when i know that i cannot see what will happen after. i think mostly i wonder if people who dont talk to me much but say they care will actually care or not

 

[kuroshimi]

I guess this is not uncommon, since I thought about it myself, it's not something bad, probably shows that you actually care about people around.

 

[NoHorizon]

I often wonder about this, and also get that shame around it. I don't think I'd want to see the reaction of those I truly love, because that would be heartbreaking, but in a weird way I would like to see the reaction of work colleagues or friends who aren't that close to me. I guess theirs would be more palatable, and for people I dislike there's probably a vindictive element where I'd want to see if they felt any sort of guilt.