Venting Wanting friends as a suicidal person

[prettyclam]

That's a stupid selfish desire for someone who plans on dying, but the wish persists.

At the same time, I get anxious when somebody approaches me, even when its online. The anxiety probably stems from the fear of them discovering I'm not normal. Like imagine being a mentally healthy individual when suddenly a depressed, suicidal, abused, future-less woman walks up to you wanting to be friends. Wouldn't you be weirded out?

Its difficult befriending other mentally "ill" people too. Perhaps I'm too far gone. Everybody in my past therapy group became friends while I was the odd one out. That says enough about me, which is sad considering all the interests I have which could potentially attract friends.

I like alt fashion, drawing, writing, cute things, crafting, embroidery, sewing, kpop, horror movies and games, fanfictions, webtoons, manhwas, cartoons, roblox, true crime, history, ect

Yet none of those passions are enough to hide the fact that I'm a depressed loser. It's like theres an invisible sign above my head repelling the world away. It's not like I've never made friends either, only superficial ones. I haven't had a real friend since middle school (I'm 19 now). The loneliness is horrible.

Maybe it's for the best. Depressed people don't mix with society. Nobody will voluntarily befriend an unstable burden. They expect heavy vents and pressure, which they'll recieve most of the time, but I try avoiding those unless it's extremely bad.

We got an awful reputation though. I've seen hundreds of videos about people's experiences with toxic depressed folks. The consensus is clear. I don't blame them because many of us unhealthily latch onto connections to feel better. And maybe deep down, that's where this desire to make friends is coming from. I'm just tired of being alone, crying every night because there's nobody to laugh with, nobody to tell small silly things, nobody to listen.

I truly have no one. I don't even count my girlfriend as a connection anymore. We resolved our conflict after my previous posts on here, but I now see how she views depression as an imaginary disease. Learning that basically broke our bond. I'm still acting normal though so no additional problems arise.

I'm aware of the friend making thread on here too. However, posting on there feels embarrassing because it's like I'm begging. As stated earlier, my awkwardness spreads online too. I have an urge to type a certain way, say certain slang, or crack certain jokes to fit in. Also ghosting,dry conversations, and stuff worsen the anxiety lol

If life were different, I'd be making friends at college like 99% of young adults. On the other hand, I'm on here wallowing in my isolation. Existence really doesn't get better for me. My fear of pain is the only reason I'm breathing, otherwise I'd be gone by now

 

[always_a_crossroads]

I'm sorry you're so isolated. It sounds very lonely.
I wish I could offer to try and be friends, but I don't have the spoons to consistently reply to messages >__> (Plus I've got my own weirdness and awkwardness, and I suspect I might not make a very good friend right now regardless...)
I hope you find some comfort, and someone to connect with. It's not selfish to want that.
Sending hugs if you want them.

 

[prettyclam]

I'm sorry you're so isolated. It sounds very lonely.
I wish I could offer to try and be friends, but I don't have the spoons to consistently reply to messages >__> (Plus I've got my own weirdness and awkwardness, and I suspect I might not make a very good friend right now regardless...)
I hope you find some comfort, and someone to connect with. It's not selfish to want that.
Sending hugs if you want them.

You're so kindthank you...I really hope I make at least 1 new friend before I ctb

 

[finasteride_end]

prettyclam, if it helps, just remember that everyone is a selfish asshole, without exception, including me and you, and it's nothing personal if people decide they don't like you. Actual friendship happens because of entirely selfish reasons as well. The very factors that turn one person off you could draw another person towards you

Not having friends sure sucks, but it also means people can't hurt you. And you had better believe that people you call your "friends" are capable of hurting you, far more so than even strangers can. In fact, whether you have friends or not actually has little to do with whether or not you want to keep on living

 

[Hotsackage]

everyone here as some social awkwardness, so theres a bunch of relief in all of us being together. but i get the urge to meet people, but to be honest a lot of people are self absorbed jerks out there anyway. youll find the right friends in time, if you put yourself in the right situations, dont be shy

 

[lonergirl_26]

I'm sorry you are feeling so alone. I don't think it's selfish I think you deserve to make new friends!
I'm in the same place and we have very similar story's.
I'm so desperate for a proper friend yet I can't have one.
I'm 20f and have some of the same interests as you. If you ever want a chat let me know!

 

[prettyclam]

I'm sorry you are feeling so alone. I don't think it's selfish I think you deserve to make new friends!
I'm in the same place and we have very similar story's.
I'm so desperate for a proper friend yet I can't have one.
I'm 20f and have some of the same interests as you. If you ever want a chat let me know!

What do you mean you can't have a friend It sucks making them but I can be one for you!!! We'll both be less lonely haha

 

[shiftingtendons]

im so sorry you're feeling so lonely. im also super awkward and dont have many friends but i do have some of the same interests as you! we can chat if you'd like :)

 

[prettyclam]

prettyclam, if it helps, just remember that everyone is a selfish asshole, without exception, including me and you, and it's nothing personal if people decide they don't like you. Actual friendship happens because of entirely selfish reasons as well. The very factors that turn one person off you could draw another person towards you

Not having friends sure sucks, but it also means people can't hurt you. And you had better believe that people you call your "friends" are capable of hurting you, far more so than even strangers can. In fact, whether you have friends or not actually has little to do with whether or not you want to keep on living

Yes humans are selfish creatures, but it feels especially selfish to want friends when I'm going to inevitably ctb. It's like wasting their time in a way lol. But like you said, at least nobody can hurt me! A group of bad friends can easily worsen depression

 

[overmorrow]

please don't take this negatively but, friends aren't real, or most aren't, it's all fake connections, the moment one of you, has it better if leaving the other...they'd take the chance immediately

just an example of the average person, what they would do today, not saying you would, since you seem kind, but still :p i hope you got my point

friends aren't real, sob

 

[finasteride_end]

Yes humans are selfish creatures, but it feels especially selfish to want friends when I'm going to inevitably ctb. It's like wasting their time in a way lol. But like you said, at least nobody can hurt me! A group of bad friends can easily worsen depression

I'll try to be your friend if you'd like, or as much of one as I can possibly be on an anonymous forum. I am at rock bottom myself and have very little energy. So I can't promise that I can be there for you if you need someone, but I do visit this site a couple times a week

I am every bit as selfish as anyone else and my motives for saying this are basically that I want to feel like I did something valuable with my life even if it's full of useless suffering. And in some small way you remind me of how I used to feel about loneliness

 

[boredandoverboard]

I think people mistake friends for acquaintances which has arguably fell in use. I can chat and be acquainted with you OP. Friendship would be another thing since I reckon all, if not most of us here have a specific idea of what friendship entails. Maybe that's one plausible way to start a friendship? Telling each what the other expects of them?

 

[Vlad Tepes]

All of this is so relatable.

 

[prettyclam]

im so sorry you're feeling so lonely. im also super awkward and dont have many friends but i do have some of the same interests as you! we can chat if you'd like :)

Us awkward people have to stick together!!! & I'd like that, although I'm kinda dumb idk how to do messages on here kekeke

 

[JassieDusk]

I have felt the same throughout my entire life. In kindergarten I was an outcast which was desperate for friends. I still remember the weird trend where the children showed to each other either "" or "" depending on wether they like you or not. I have always gotten the thumbs down throughout my whole kindergarten experience and it didn't get better in school either.

I have passed various notes to other children in class reading "do you want to be friends?". Never have I've gotten a positive response. I've been stuck thinking "what is wrong with me?". I have changed 13 schools in total being more and more miserable in every school I've changed. I was always the last kid to get picked in PE. Always the one partnering with the teachers when the numbers of the kids were uneven. It's as if everyone sensed the negative energy coming from me.

I'm your age now and still spend most of my time alone or online counting the days until I finally gather the willpower and courage to CTB.

We're a burden to the "normal world". I just wish I have met someone like me during my childhood and teenage years when I thought I am the only one like this

 

[Jumaqt]

That's a stupid selfish desire for someone who plans on dying, but the wish persists.

At the same time, I get anxious when somebody approaches me, even when its online. The anxiety probably stems from the fear of them discovering I'm not normal. Like imagine being a mentally healthy individual when suddenly a depressed, suicidal, abused, future-less woman walks up to you wanting to be friends. Wouldn't you be weirded out?

Its difficult befriending other mentally "ill" people too. Perhaps I'm too far gone. Everybody in my past therapy group became friends while I was the odd one out. That says enough about me, which is sad considering all the interests I have which could potentially attract friends.

I like alt fashion, drawing, writing, cute things, crafting, embroidery, sewing, kpop, horror movies and games, fanfictions, webtoons, manhwas, cartoons, roblox, true crime, history, ect

Yet none of those passions are enough to hide the fact that I'm a depressed loser. It's like theres an invisible sign above my head repelling the world away. It's not like I've never made friends either, only superficial ones. I haven't had a real friend since middle school (I'm 19 now). The loneliness is horrible.

Maybe it's for the best. Depressed people don't mix with society. Nobody will voluntarily befriend an unstable burden. They expect heavy vents and pressure, which they'll recieve most of the time, but I try avoiding those unless it's extremely bad.

We got an awful reputation though. I've seen hundreds of videos about people's experiences with toxic depressed folks. The consensus is clear. I don't blame them because many of us unhealthily latch onto connections to feel better. And maybe deep down, that's where this desire to make friends is coming from. I'm just tired of being alone, crying every night because there's nobody to laugh with, nobody to tell small silly things, nobody to listen.

I truly have no one. I don't even count my girlfriend as a connection anymore. We resolved our conflict after my previous posts on here, but I now see how she views depression as an imaginary disease. Learning that basically broke our bond. I'm still acting normal though so no additional problems arise.

I'm aware of the friend making thread on here too. However, posting on there feels embarrassing because it's like I'm begging. As stated earlier, my awkwardness spreads online too. I have an urge to type a certain way, say certain slang, or crack certain jokes to fit in. Also ghosting,dry conversations, and stuff worsen the anxiety lol

If life were different, I'd be making friends at college like 99% of young adults. On the other hand, I'm on here wallowing in my isolation. Existence really doesn't get better for me. My fear of pain is the only reason I'm breathing, otherwise I'd be gone by now

your words really resonnates with me, do you maybe want to play roblox togethe?

 

[https]

I've dealt with a lot of loneliness, to the point where I started forcing myself to like whatever the people around me liked. Looking back, I feel pretty awful about it. It feels like I was faking who I was just to fit in. Everyone could easily see through it. I didn't really make any friends during that time, and those attempts just made me feel even worse. I still try to get into what others enjoy, but now it's more for basic small talk, not a whole metamorphosis like before.

I'm not saying this for you or anyone else to pity me. It's more of a friendly reminder to not change who you are just to fit in. There are people who genuinely enjoy being around awkward folks (myself included).

Also, I don't think wanting friends even if you plan to CTB is selfish. I don't really see myself as a suicidal person (yet), but I wouldn't consider a suicidal friend a burden at all. And I think a lot of people here feel the same, they are pretty receptive as far as I have seen.

Us awkward people have to stick together!!! & I'd like that, although I'm kinda dumb idk how to do messages on here kekeke

To message someone, just click their username and click "Start Chat" or "Start Conversation." No clue what the difference is, tbh.

 

[losthope1980]

That's a stupid selfish desire for someone who plans on dying, but the wish persists.

At the same time, I get anxious when somebody approaches me, even when its online. The anxiety probably stems from the fear of them discovering I'm not normal. Like imagine being a mentally healthy individual when suddenly a depressed, suicidal, abused, future-less woman walks up to you wanting to be friends. Wouldn't you be weirded out?

Its difficult befriending other mentally "ill" people too. Perhaps I'm too far gone. Everybody in my past therapy group became friends while I was the odd one out. That says enough about me, which is sad considering all the interests I have which could potentially attract friends.

I like alt fashion, drawing, writing, cute things, crafting, embroidery, sewing, kpop, horror movies and games, fanfictions, webtoons, manhwas, cartoons, roblox, true crime, history, ect

Yet none of those passions are enough to hide the fact that I'm a depressed loser. It's like theres an invisible sign above my head repelling the world away. It's not like I've never made friends either, only superficial ones. I haven't had a real friend since middle school (I'm 19 now). The loneliness is horrible.

Maybe it's for the best. Depressed people don't mix with society. Nobody will voluntarily befriend an unstable burden. They expect heavy vents and pressure, which they'll recieve most of the time, but I try avoiding those unless it's extremely bad.

We got an awful reputation though. I've seen hundreds of videos about people's experiences with toxic depressed folks. The consensus is clear. I don't blame them because many of us unhealthily latch onto connections to feel better. And maybe deep down, that's where this desire to make friends is coming from. I'm just tired of being alone, crying every night because there's nobody to laugh with, nobody to tell small silly things, nobody to listen.

I truly have no one. I don't even count my girlfriend as a connection anymore. We resolved our conflict after my previous posts on here, but I now see how she views depression as an imaginary disease. Learning that basically broke our bond. I'm still acting normal though so no additional problems arise.

I'm aware of the friend making thread on here too. However, posting on there feels embarrassing because it's like I'm begging. As stated earlier, my awkwardness spreads online too. I have an urge to type a certain way, say certain slang, or crack certain jokes to fit in. Also ghosting,dry conversations, and stuff worsen the anxiety lol

If life were different, I'd be making friends at college like 99% of young adults. On the other hand, I'm on here wallowing in my isolation. Existence really doesn't get better for me. My fear of pain is the only reason I'm breathing, otherwise I'd be gone by now

hi, im sorry to hear you feel alienated, I've been there before. for most of my life I've been lonely , feel anxious and scared to go out, and just want to get back home to my couch or bed, put on a blanket and turn on the tv to hear something going on while scrolling on my phone. I've lost interest in things I used to love like playing guitar. I remember being 19, it was a hard time for me, at the time I felt like a loser without a future, eventually I made it trough college and sort of got better although I always felt this burden of loneliness embracing me and the inevitable wish of dying.
im here if you want to talk, and offer my sincere friendship, you are not alone . wishing you the best

 

[DeusVult]

"depressed, suicidal, abused, future-less woman", girlfriend material right there :P

 

[prettyclam]

I have felt the same throughout my entire life. In kindergarten I was an outcast which was desperate for friends. I still remember the weird trend where the children showed to each other either "" or "" depending on wether they like you or not. I have always gotten the thumbs down throughout my whole kindergarten experience and it didn't get better in school either.

I have passed various notes to other children in class reading "do you want to be friends?". Never have I've gotten a positive response. I've been stuck thinking "what is wrong with me?". I have changed 13 schools in total being more and more miserable in every school I've changed. I was always the last kid to get picked in PE. Always the one partnering with the teachers when the numbers of the kids were uneven. It's as if everyone sensed the negative energy coming from me.

I'm your age now and still spend most of my time alone or online counting the days until I finally gather the willpower and courage to CTB.

We're a burden to the "normal world". I just wish I have met someone like me during my childhood and teenage years when I thought I am the only one like this

Wooow in kindergarten? Makes you wonder what you did "wrong", which is crazy because no child does anything deserving that treatment. & I wish that too I wish all the excluded ones could come together into a big friend group…but sadly we all live across the globe

your words really resonnates with me, do you maybe want to play roblox togethe?

omg id love that!!! there's so many multiplayer games I wanna play but… no friends I'm at work right now so I'll message you when it's over

I've dealt with a lot of loneliness, to the point where I started forcing myself to like whatever the people around me liked. Looking back, I feel pretty awful about it. It feels like I was faking who I was just to fit in. Everyone could easily see through it. I didn't really make any friends during that time, and those attempts just made me feel even worse. I still try to get into what others enjoy, but now it's more for basic small talk, not a whole metamorphosis like before.

I'm not saying this for you or anyone else to pity me. It's more of a friendly reminder to not change who you are just to fit in. There are people who genuinely enjoy being around awkward folks (myself included).

Also, I don't think wanting friends even if you plan to CTB is selfish. I don't really see myself as a suicidal person (yet), but I wouldn't consider a suicidal friend a burden at all. And I think a lot of people here feel the same, they are pretty receptive as far as I have seen.



To message someone, just click their username and click "Start Chat" or "Start Conversation." No clue what the difference is, tbh.

Yes people can definitely tell if you're faking. Ive formed friendships like that too out of desperation, where you stick to the person hoping they like it. They never do though. And it's good knowing someone out there doesn't immediately dodge suicidal people as friends. Also thanks for the chat tutorial!!!

 

[s.glimmer.]

I like alt fashion, drawing, writing, cute things, crafting, embroidery, sewing, kpop, horror movies and games, fanfictions, webtoons, manhwas, cartoons, roblox, true crime, history, ect

Hiii if you're still up for getting a friend i could be one :) I also like alt fashion, cartoons, history, sewing, all kinds of music and playing (roblox). Ive been wanting friends that i can laugh with too.

 

[prettyclam]

your words really resonnates with me, do you maybe want to play roblox togethe?

Sorry to reply again but it won't let me message you but my username is coreyboones

Hiii if you're still up for getting a friend i could be one :) I also like alt fashion, cartoons, history, sewing, all kinds of music and playing (roblox). Ive been wanting friends that i can laugh with too.

I'm still up for it!!! & it won't let me message you either ahhh My Roblox user is above just shoot a friend request

 

[s.glimmer.]

My Roblox user is above just shoot a friend request

I added you!!! I have watermelons on my head so youll recognize me:)

 

[Jumaqt]

Sorry to reply again but it won't let me message you but my username is coreyboones

I'm still up for it!!! & it won't let me message you either ahhh My Roblox user is above just shoot a friend request

itsokitsok ive been actually waiting for a reply, i cant find a way to msg you as well. I added you too, my username is the same as i have here, Jumaqt

 

[X-sanguinate86]

This is all so sad. It brings back so many horrible memories. I hope you can all provide each other a little bit of comfort and that you find peace one way or another. My dms are open if loneliness is ever too much to bear.

 

[s.glimmer.]

itsokitsok ive been actually waiting for a reply, i cant find a way to msg you as well. I added you too, my username is the same as i have here, Jumaqt

Hello! I thought maybe we could be friends also? (Its totally fine if not dw) Or maybe we could all 3 be friends? :) Can i add you on roblox?

 

[cvury]

all i ever faced in life is rejection and social ostracization. i never knew a true friend

 

[khairan]

That's a stupid selfish desire for someone who plans on dying, but the wish persists.

At the same time, I get anxious when somebody approaches me, even when its online. The anxiety probably stems from the fear of them discovering I'm not normal. Like imagine being a mentally healthy individual when suddenly a depressed, suicidal, abused, future-less woman walks up to you wanting to be friends. Wouldn't you be weirded out?

Its difficult befriending other mentally "ill" people too. Perhaps I'm too far gone. Everybody in my past therapy group became friends while I was the odd one out. That says enough about me, which is sad considering all the interests I have which could potentially attract friends.

I like alt fashion, drawing, writing, cute things, crafting, embroidery, sewing, kpop, horror movies and games, fanfictions, webtoons, manhwas, cartoons, roblox, true crime, history, ect

Yet none of those passions are enough to hide the fact that I'm a depressed loser. It's like theres an invisible sign above my head repelling the world away. It's not like I've never made friends either, only superficial ones. I haven't had a real friend since middle school (I'm 19 now). The loneliness is horrible.

Maybe it's for the best. Depressed people don't mix with society. Nobody will voluntarily befriend an unstable burden. They expect heavy vents and pressure, which they'll recieve most of the time, but I try avoiding those unless it's extremely bad.

We got an awful reputation though. I've seen hundreds of videos about people's experiences with toxic depressed folks. The consensus is clear. I don't blame them because many of us unhealthily latch onto connections to feel better. And maybe deep down, that's where this desire to make friends is coming from. I'm just tired of being alone, crying every night because there's nobody to laugh with, nobody to tell small silly things, nobody to listen.

I truly have no one. I don't even count my girlfriend as a connection anymore. We resolved our conflict after my previous posts on here, but I now see how she views depression as an imaginary disease. Learning that basically broke our bond. I'm still acting normal though so no additional problems arise.

I'm aware of the friend making thread on here too. However, posting on there feels embarrassing because it's like I'm begging. As stated earlier, my awkwardness spreads online too. I have an urge to type a certain way, say certain slang, or crack certain jokes to fit in. Also ghosting,dry conversations, and stuff worsen the anxiety lol

If life were different, I'd be making friends at college like 99% of young adults. On the other hand, I'm on here wallowing in my isolation. Existence really doesn't get better for me. My fear of pain is the only reason I'm breathing, otherwise I'd be gone by now

I've come and gone from places because I'm a nomad and you could argue it was selfish of me to make friends on the road which I may not see ever again. And some did legitimately resent me for leaving but I always told them 'if I weren't a traveler we wouldn't have ever met so you've just got to accept I'm just passing through and let me move on to the next destination.

We're all here on borrowed time and none of us can take even life for granted.
None of us (at least for the most part) think of commiting suicide out of the love for the craft. We're just broken people for various reasons and we just feel it's not even worth trying anymore (or we didn't even get a chance to try).

I would say it's not even our call to want to be dead but something imposed on us by circumstances beyond our control. I don't know your story but I've always had an affinity with death, and even if I tried real fucking hard to change that, that darkness has never left me and I know it's just a matter of time before I go ahead and ctb on my own terms.

I've met really incredible people and places and you bet I would have liked to stay to stick around but I also know I am fundamentally broken and, had I stayed, I would have ruined the good things we had.

Maybe if you picture yourself as someone who's on the move and convey it to the people you meet you will have an easier time with the guilt.

Other than that do not deprive yourself of experiences because that's the only real reason that makes life worth living and the only thing you ever take out of it.

I've met people in their retirement years filled with regret because they lived to fulfill someone else's expectations and now they're old, weak and alone, I feel sorry for them because they never truly lived to begin with.

I don't know how much you've got left or if you've made up your mind yet but being suicidal is also an opportunity to try new things without giving much of a fuck about it, so don't hesitate and onward!

Hugs!