Wanting but not wanting to CTB

[squillykilly]

I really want to ctb, but the thing is I don't. I really struggle with the thoughts and desires to escape this life and this body, but I love everyone around me and the small things in life please me greatly. Does that make me less worthy of help? I don't know how to explain it. Sometimes I feel the urge to CTB and hope that some silly god will let me drift around the world as a ghost and watch my funeral to see if the people I love really care about me, or watching their reaction to discovering my body. Maybe that's a selfish thought. I dunno, I'm just ranting for the sake of ranting. Does anyone else feel this way?

 

[camusfan_ig]

Sometimes I feel the urge to CTB and hope that some silly god will let me drift around the world as a ghost and watch my funeral to see if the people I love really care about me, or watching their reaction to discovering my body. Maybe that's a selfish thought. I dunno, I'm just ranting for the sake of ranting. Does anyone else feel this way?

100% man. And, prehaps to some it is a selfish thought, not to me tho. Is it selfish to want to truly know if the people you care about, care about you the same? I don't think it is. I think it's human to think like this

 

[cakedog]

i don't really know your situation but you don't sound very happy to ctb which i guess wouldn't be expected of someone who is about to commit suicide.
not trying to downplay your issues or anything like that and i know the reason why people kill themselves and the attitudes they have towards it are very diverse but idk

but I love everyone around me and the small things in life please me greatly

you sound like you still find some enjoyment in life idk why you're here but if you're not suffering from chronic pain, a disability or huge financial debt (and if you are i'm sorry) you may try to give life another shot
i mean i really believe the world would benefit if people like you stayed

 

[squillykilly]

i don't really know your situation but you don't sound very happy to ctb which i guess wouldn't be expected of someone who is about to commit suicide.
not trying to downplay your issues or anything like that and i know the reason why people kill themselves and the attitudes they have towards it are very diverse but idk

you sound like you still find some enjoyment in life idk why you're here but if you're not suffering from chronic pain, a disability or huge financial debt (and if you are i'm sorry) you may try to give life another shot
i mean i really believe the world would benefit if people like you stayed

Well, my main reason is the fact I am transgender, I hate my body, I hate how I'll never be cisgender. I always wonder that if there is a god out there and he supposedly "loves" us all, why would he do this to me?
I struggle with a broken family that all secretly hates one another and my own dread of not fitting in anywhere, even with the friends I love dearly. I creep people out and no one really would care if I wasn't around.
I Hope I don't sound rude, but a response like this makes me want to get mentally worse to prove something

 

[cakedog]

Well, my main reason is the fact I am transgender, I hate my body, I hate how I'll never be cisgender. I always wonder that if there is a god out there and he supposedly "loves" us all, why would he do this to me?
I struggle with a broken family that all secretly hates one another and my own dread of not fitting in anywhere, even with the friends I love dearly. I creep people out and no one really would care if I wasn't around.
I Hope I don't sound rude, but a response like this makes me want to get mentally worse to prove something

dw you're not being rude and i'm sorry for not acknowledging the extent of your pain
i'm not really the best guy to talk about these issues so sorry if i sound robotic or i'm not offering helpful advice but it's just that i really don't know how to react in these situations

I always wonder that if there is a god out there and he supposedly "loves" us all, why would he do this to me?

i deal with similar questions and it really sucks that if there's a god it purposely made our life an unbearable hell

the way i see it your options are either living or dying (very obvious sorry) both require a huge amount of commitment
i guess staying alive would require a way to fully accept yourself and find a place where you can be yourself but by what i'm reading you're having issues with that and dealing with deep loneliness, i'm a guy who has been lonely from the very beginning but just learned to live with it and focus on other things but we're all built different and this won't probably be the most suitable advice for someone like you so sorry for bringing it up and i guess i'm only tackling one issue which is loneliness and you said you're dealing with various like dysphoria
i guess the message i'm trying to send is "try to stay alive for you and the things you find precious in life" sorry if this was the same generic platitude you've already heard but i really mean it
and again sorry for bothering you and making you read the same words you've probably already read a thouand times but it's just that i'm not really the best person to talk about these issues.

 

[squillykilly]

dw you're not being rude and i'm sorry for not acknowledging the extent of your pain
i'm not really the best guy to talk about these issues so sorry if i sound robotic or i'm not offering helpful advice but it's just that i really don't know how to react in these situations


i deal with similar questions and it really sucks that if there's a god it purposely made our life an unbearable hell

the way i see it your options are either living or dying (very obvious sorry) both require a huge amount of commitment
i guess staying alive would require a way to fully accept yourself and find a place where you can be yourself but by what i'm reading you're having issues with that and dealing with deep loneliness, i'm a guy who has been lonely from the very beginning but just learned to live with it and focus on other things but we're all built different and this won't probably be the most suitable advice for someone like you so sorry for bringing it up and i guess i'm only tackling one issue which is loneliness and you said you're dealing with various like dysphoria
i guess the message i'm trying to send is "try to stay alive for you and the things you find precious in life" sorry if this was the same generic platitude you've already heard but i really mean it
and again sorry for bothering you and making you read the same words you've probably already read a thouand times but it's just that i'm not really the best person to talk about these issues.

You're all good man, I think I was feeling a bit upset, but you're fine