heisenberg
zzzzzzz
- May 18, 2020
- 202
most mornings i actually wake up in a pretty okay mood but then i go to work and immediately feel dread and get a headache. i'm tired of people always assuming i'm wrong just because my position isn't higher up. my boss will ask me something then goes "well i'm gonna ask (other person) because he's the senior." it's constantly like this and makes me useless in my position. my whole life i felt worthless and that nothing i do matters and everyday it's like this. i hate going to work, i hate talking to people, i hate going outside, i hate doing things with people besides my boyfriend. if i could stay inside and lay in bed all day i would. i went to the grocery store the other day and almost cried because i was so overwhelmed with being outside, and constantly checking food labels of everything i pick up. i havent relapsed into my eating disorder in terms of restricting food or purging but the thoughts of constantly hating my body and never feeling good enough never leave. i avoid looking mirrors whenever possible. i'm tired of pretending to be a normal person. i wish i could lay in bed and do nothing and just starve. i hate my body but don't feel like i could restrict again. i had dreams when i was younger and felt like i could actually do something with my life at one point but now that i'm older, i feel useless. nothing has ever gone my way. i wish i could go to sleep and never wake up.
