Story /venting, isolated and touch starved

[immolation]

tagged this as a story because crazy long rant im so sorry LMFAOO. essentially I tried to squeeze months of human interaction out of one night.

i had a family function today, cousins birthday party, his friends were there + he let me invite 2 of mine.

i move a LOT (parents switching jobs, too young to move out). ive lived in idk how many houses, 7 different places, and gone to 12 different schools. im only living in the same city as my cousin for a few more weeks even though i moved here 2 weeks ago, im about to move states again. Im scared. Im depressed. I hate moving.

I can make friends fine, but cant hold a friendship for more than a few months, and even if I stayed somewhere long enough id have no idea how because moving has impacted my social skills so much. im also scared of commitment because of it. i almost never leave my room anymore. it had been 2 months since I saw anyone other than my parents, not including phone calls. ive been looking forward to this party for a week because im so excited about potentially getting human contact.

so basically ive already felt like shit lately.
I show up to this birthday party w my friends, and immediately im SO touchy with them. im making exaggerated flirty jokes with them just for an excuse to touch their arms and shit. all of us + my cousins group leave to the park. my friend brought a cart so my trio is getting progressively more stoned as the night goes on. every time he offers me a hit i take it while he's holding the cart instead of holding it myself just to be close to him.

we were all genuinely at this playground playing groundies at our big age and it was really fun. i was fine with getting tagged because it meant an excuse for someone to touch me. i would always stay holding on to whoever i tagged just a bit too long because the contact felt so nice. one of my cousins friends kept coming up close behind me and pushing me into the tagger and i wasnt even upset because it meant he was touching me. at one point said friend was the tagger, went to grab a pole really hard and genuinely PUNCHED me in the chest because he didnt know I was there. it hurt so bad but the euphoria of it drowned the pain out completely.

so eventually we go back home, we're in the basement, im high asf. i spend the rest of the night finding ways to lay on/really close to my friends until they have to leave. me and my hg kissed 3 times. party ends, i get home and go straight to my room, still high.

im immediately hit with CRUSHING loneliness. i realized how bad i missed this. I realized how rarely I get it. I realized it's probably gonna be months until i get it again. It's been a few hours as of me writing this. Im realizing how little contact or attachment I have with the world. and im considering ctb right now just so I never have to experience this emptiness ever again.

 

[LongLimbedWeirdo]

Well no just no I think it's wayyyyy too early for that sis? Bro? Idk but I don't know what your going through truly but you are so damn amazing I find it a pity that you want to ctb so soon please tell me more I find what you say extremely interesting (might be because I'm extremely boring) but please halt your sudden need to ctb and really contemplate in a subjective and objective way if it's truly worth it
And one thing I forgot to say is you said you were high right? So I think it amplified your feeling of emptiness you got from lack of interaction and so on

 

[immolation]

Well no just no I think it's wayyyyy too early for that sis? Bro? Idk but I don't know what your going through truly but you are so damn amazing I find it a pity that you want to ctb so soon please tell me more I find what you say extremely interesting (might be because I'm extremely boring) but please halt your sudden need to ctb and really contemplate in a subjective and objective way if it's truly worth it
And one thing I forgot to say is you said you were high right? So I think it amplified your feeling of emptiness you got from lack of interaction and so on

this was genuinely helpful omg thank u !!

since u want me to elaborate, ive just always had this crushing overwhelming need for socialization that im barely ever able to get and at the moment it was just hitting harder than usual i guess?? ive attempted before and it was also because I felt rlly isolated, i had switched to online school and my only real friend at the time got expelled from school and grounded so i was totally alone for 2 months. i got so miserable about it that I genuinely felt ready to die and I was so disappointed when I survived. i did a community theatre musical shortly after that + made friends there that i saw a lot, so that got my mind off it for a while until i started recovering. its been almost 2 years since and ive been rlly slipping again. its to the point where if im not actively with someone or on a phone call my mind immediately goes to "i need to kill myself right now". i use socialization and substances and physical intimacy as a distraction i think. i cant be alone with my thoughts. something about living and the future in general terrifies me in a way i cant put into words, and if i get more than a minute to think about it i start genuinely self destructing.

 

[LongLimbedWeirdo]

Hmm there isn't nessecarily anything I can do for now about your issues but if you want (even even if you don't) so will I probably research this matter but I do have a theory that you maybe lacked touch and physical comforting as a baby/ toddler which led to this problem now or there is some underlying trauma idk tho
I responded late since my mother is currently pregnant and she went to the hospital a while ago