Venting venting about my life before i go

[jifscrater]

I haven't accomplished much in my life. Growing up, my family moved frequently, not just between cities, but across regions and even countries. As a result, I never had the chance to form lasting friendships or even close bonds with siblings or cousins or extended family. My early childhood, from ages 0 to 10, is a blur. I can barely recall anything from that time, except the trauma, my father's violence, my mother's emotional abuse. The memories that remain are all painful.


Ages 10 to 16 were the worst years of my life so far. I experienced racism, relentless bullying, poor academic performance, and a chaotic home environment. I had a severe stutter and could hardly complete a sentence. I avoided eye contact, never raised my voice, even in the most crowded or chaotic situations. I acted like a punching bag, passive, invisible, just trying to get through each day unnoticed.


From 16 to 20, everything becomes blurry again. I honestly can't pinpoint anything meaningful I did during that time, though I know I eventually dropped out of school.


Now I'm 26. The last six years have felt like more wasted time. I'm working at McDonald's, flipping burgers, spending my days scrolling through YouTube videos and gambling on meme coins. I eat junk food, have no motivation, and feel like I'm just existing, not living.

I've never experienced love, which is what hurts the most-especially because I'm a deeply emotional person. It wouldn't take much for me to fall for someone. I'm just craving affection, but I lack the social skills to ever make that happen. It feels like an unreachable dream.

I just wish I could drop dead and be reincarnate as a cat or something,

 

[Withered]

Life being a waiting game is my personal hell. I would imagine it's been hell for you, too. I hope you find your peace.

 

[SmilingNoMore]

I'm sorry for where you find yourself, and the trauma you had to endure. For what it's worth at 26 I was also suicidal, and I found love in my forties. Looking back some years are also blurred, or maybe even blocked, but I'm glad I could experience love even if it led me to where I'm now. I understand you wanting to leave though and wish you all the best in your decision. Sending hugs.