vent?

[ummagumma]

here again. dont know, why im writing this, just kinda want to collect my thoughts. sorry, english is not my native language.

first of all, i want to stop existing and i dont get why. i wanted to die for a long time, but i thought thats 1) because of my loneliness (but now i have a boyfriend) 2) because of my job, which i didnt like (but now i have no such job). so why do i want to not exist? i just dont get it. is it because our world is a massive shithole? but i have it better than others. i have a relatively rich family, i have parents, friends, bf, 2 cats. i simply dont get it

second thing is that i have attempted. well, actually i just had my sn and wanted to test ingest it (yeah, i know, its not recommended. i think its more like i was afraid to intend to do something that will cause death and was wanting to give free rein to chance). and it was peaceful. my dad found me, i ended up in intensive care, then psych ward. i am recieving treatment now, but still dont feel very happy. maybe i should have died then

and third thing is that i feel strangely peaceful lately. thoughts of me being dead and my parents being alone used to always make me cry. but not anymore. i was afraid of dying, afraid of the process. but now i know that sn is peaceful, im not so scared anymore

im confused and dont know what to do

 

[Pale_Rider]

Money doesn't but happiness? The world really is a shithole. Agreed.

 

[thisIsNotEnough]

I don't think you necessarily need to have a "good reason": suffering to the point of being suicidal is reason enough, assuming you're of sound mind. I hope you find peace with the decision you make, and that it's your own decision and no one else's <3