Vent

[always_sad]

Honestly, I genuinely do want to live and there are things I truly enjoy or look forward to, but I feel like a burden and undeserving of these things. I feel like I have no right to have a normal life because my mom has it sooo bad and I'm expected to fix everything for her, like I'm a horrible selfish person for wanting to live just for myself. I feel like my life is never about me and that I am a burden and take too much space. I was always expected to put my mom first. She's been alcoholic for many years and she's an unberabale person in general, nothing is ever her fault and she doesn't do shit to improve her situation, yet she expects me to do the work for her. I barely have energy for myself!!! I don't live I just exist. I was treated like a villain whenever I tried to live for myself and do things on my own.

I get suicidal in waves, it comes and goes, some days it's so unberable I research suicide methods, some others I want to become normal but I don't know where to start.
I checked therapy in my city and it is so. Fucking. Expensive. Always makes me think "maybe I should just kill myself at this point". I've done so much self help work, but I'm stuck and can't progress on my own. I have no friends and no support system for emotional needs. Sometimes I vent on the internet but it never makes me feel better.

 

[Jadeith]

I feel like a burden

I was always expected to put my mom first.

You are burden or expected unfailing support? See, this little contradiction is quite typical setup toxic people (like some alcoholics) love put other people in. All in attempt to stuck you in so much guilt that you won't try to fight back and continue to live as a personal slave. Yes, we're supposed to help our parents, especially when their condition deteriorate as they age but no one should be enslaved because of this and no one should be expected to be responsible for fixing parents' mistakes.
So, no - you are not horrible person for wanting to have live of your own and while supporting a parent through their hardships is right thing to do, being consumed by doing so is not.