monetpompo
૮ • ﻌ - ა
- Apr 21, 2025
- 300
i wish that i could just see my friend again. i think we're having a falling out for good. it's my fault since i don't think he cares about me anymore. it's hard to believe he cares about me when i never get to see him after he moved. i know he can't visit all the time and that i shouldn't expect him to but i just miss him so much and he doesn't ever say that he misses me. i feel so childish and petty for this being my ctb motivator. i feel like i have no one. i hung out with my friends today but i still missed him because we used to hang out before i met them and before he moved.
it's hard to feel motivated to do anything at all. i feel like such a loser. i'm listening to the bugs chirp outside and i'm sweating like crazy because it's so humid outside. i don't want him to send me to the hospital again. i just want him to care about me. i want him to say that he cares about me, and he has, but i just think that he's lying because i think that he won't care about my suicide attempt if he never knows about it. he thinks that calling the police on me will help me when it just traumatizes me because i hate losing all autonomy over my life. i already hardly have any autonomy because i don't have a job and i've spent all of college living with my parents and getting treated like i'm still in high school. i really don't care if it's petty, stupid, or childish to think that my life isn't worth living if i can't hang out with my best friend as much as we used to when he still lived in his hometown. i feel like even if i see him again i'm going to be afraid of the leverage he holds by calling the police on me. it feels like we aren't even equals anymore because he sees me as a danger to myself. aren't i a person too? why can't he just come back for a single day and see me? i feel so melodramatic and i probably am. seriously, even when he visits he just seems to be running an errand. he doesn't come just to see me, since he needs a reason to visit home. i'm not a reason.
i'm not an adult. i'm not mature. i want to see my friend again and it hurts when i can't because i don't like things getting in the way. i don't like the idea that "i'm" in the way, because he has this whole new life now while i'm left behind. i want to tell him, "please don't think that i'm a baby that needs to be babysitted by nurses. please don't degrade me like that by thinking that i can't even use a plastic knife because i'll try slitting my throat with it". i'm not dangerous. i'm not going to hurt people and i don't want to be put in a psych ward. i don't want your help if it's just locking me away again! you're not helping me! i wish he could just see from my point of view and realize that i'm afraid of him and i think that him wanting to send me away makes me feel like a burden for having emotions. i wish things could just go back to the way they were, but i'm afraid that there's no point in reconciling if he just doesn't understand how i feel at all and he thinks that the police are actually going to help me. i'd rather get handcuffs to a tree and starved to death than act like a car full of cops will understand anything about mental health.
i'm going back inside. i'm too sweaty and itchy. i hate the summer. i keep wishing that i would die so that i don't have to keep missing my friend. i want my friend to act like he gives a shit about me for once instead of just saying that he does. i feel like he just doesn't even care about the way i feel because i feel everything so deeply and he doesn't. even when he used to live in the same town as me he didn't realize how important being with him irl was, because i like seeing his face and it makes me feel like we're actually friends with each other when we do things. i want to hug him and hear his voice and go shopping together or something. i don't want to be alone like this for so long. i want to see him so badly but it's always going to be on his terms and not mine. the whole time i've known him, i've never had autonomy over whether i can see him or not because i can't drive. bugs are biting my hands and arms as i write this. i wish that i could see his face one more time, but thinking about him makes me angry. i'm so twisted up inside. i want to be friends again and make up but he doesn't even miss me even though we've spent so much time away from each other. why can't he just feel the same way as me? why is it so painful to just want to see someone and know that they're real?
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