Unfulfilled desires, conditional love

[Parnate]

There are so many of desires that were never fulfilled. Growing up I rarely felt unconditional love from my mother, I did something or the other that triggered her rage and she would keep hitting me until she was done.
My father was either absent or just ignored the abuse.
In my late teens I and my sister were staying together in another town.
Later on my sister became verbally abusing me. Yelling and shouting at the smallest of things. She gaslight me blaming my depression on myself. She said that I was depressed cause I thought negatively, cause I was lazy and inactive.
I told my father about this and asked him to allow me to stay separately with my friends but he didn't allow that and the abuse kept going on.
I don't remember any of the toys I had, I had very few. Few clothes to wear. I wanted to join tennis coaching but we didn't have enough money for that. Food was the only thing that we had sufficiently.
.But is that all? Is having enough to eat , enough to be happy?
I could overlook the poverty had the home atmosphere been nurturing, but the emotional poverty was on another level. As a kid, I was so starved for love that I have become a needy, dependent, insecure mess.
Looking back at the past 31 years of my life, life is filled with dissatisfaction and disappointments.

 

[Macedonian1987]

In my entire life i only once felt unconditional love. That was from my grandmother. She was the only and i do mean the only person who ever loved me with all of my flaws, and believe me, I have many of them. Sadly she passed away more than 20 years ago, and I still miss her greatly

I hope God will be merciful and permit me to see her again when I CTB.
My father and mother were (and still are) taking care of me, but there was no love affection in them. They are so... cold. I get much more love and affection from any stray dog from the streets.