Venting unfair

[batmanreal]

i have so many dreams and aspirations. there's a life i want to live with a lot of different goals, but none of it's possible. i have to ctb, and i get really sad when that though hits me; but i get even sadder when i remember how i'm doomed to live a miserable life. i've mostly lost interest in my goals and dreams, in the sense that i don't care enough to talk about them or do anything in relation to them. i still think about my aspirations all the time, and i feel like shit whenever i see people living out my dreams.
people have told me that as long as i have dreams/goals, i have a reason to live. to an extent, i understand that and even agree with some aspects of it; but it's different. i think that if you have dreams that you can work towards and live out, then that could be a great reason to keep going—if you want to live, that is. my goals aren't feasible, they won't happen. even if i'm extremely lucky, it likely won't work out. even if i could live out most of my dreams, there are a lot of unfixable things that will inevitably keep me suicidal. it's something i go back and forth on, but i don't want to die at all. i want to live out all my dreams. i want my dream career, my dream partner, etcetc.—it's just not possible, and that's so unfair. life is so unfair. if every aspect of my life has to be so horrible in such a permanent way, then at least rid me of any dreams or wishes. i'm tired of wanting things when i know that they'll never manifest. i'm tired of looking towards an impossible life when i know that i'll have to kill myself soon. i hate mourning a life that i'll never be able to achieve.

 

[snooperdooper]

i have so many dreams and aspirations. there's a life i want to live with a lot of different goals, but none of it's possible. i have to ctb, and i get really sad when that though hits me; but i get even sadder when i remember how i'm doomed to live a miserable life. i've mostly lost interest in my goals and dreams, in the sense that i don't care enough to talk about them or do anything in relation to them. i still think about my aspirations all the time, and i feel like shit whenever i see people living out my dreams.
people have told me that as long as i have dreams/goals, i have a reason to live. to an extent, i understand that and even agree with some aspects of it; but it's different. i think that if you have dreams that you can work towards and live out, then that could be a great reason to keep going—if you want to live, that is. my goals aren't feasible, they won't happen. even if i'm extremely lucky, it likely won't work out. even if i could live out most of my dreams, there are a lot of unfixable things that will inevitably keep me suicidal. it's something i go back and forth on, but i don't want to die at all. i want to live out all my dreams. i want my dream career, my dream partner, etcetc.—it's just not possible, and that's so unfair. life is so unfair. if every aspect of my life has to be so horrible in such a permanent way, then at least rid me of any dreams or wishes. i'm tired of wanting things when i know that they'll never manifest. i'm tired of looking towards an impossible life when i know that i'll have to kill myself soon. i hate mourning a life that i'll never be able to achieve.

You don't know how deeply this resonates with me. It's like you looked into my mind and wrote out the words for me. Truly, I don't hate "life", but I hate this one. I hate the regret I feel every single day, I hate the body I'm forced to live in. I have lots of daydreams/fantasies in which I live a normal life. It's not some fantasy story where I'm some masterful wizard saving the day, it's just life but the odds are tilted in my favor. I hope so deeply for an afterlife in which I can live out those fantasies. Life is so unfair, but God, do I base all my daydreams on that unfairness lifting me up. Like you said, wanting your dream job/partner/etc. I want to experience those things so badly - the good parts and the bad, not just an idealized no-downsides version of the world - but this body/life will never allow me to.

 

[Crash_Bash_Dash]

Yeah, this is the post I've so much common ground with. I just try to dull my senses and thoughts about my dreams, aspirations and interest like sweeping them under the rug and to not to care about them anymore because I feel I can't achieve those goals. And that's mostly because I don't want to feel the disappointment and hate towards myself. But almost everybody around me is making or at least feeling they have made some progress in their life and that's the thing that sometimes catches me off-guard and I start to feel inferiority complex and hate myself for not being able to make my life more satisfying. That's the reason too why I've been avoiding certain social media (Instagram f.e.) sites for many years because the pressure to do something remarkable is there to be felt to a level that makes me sick of myself.

Emptiness, hollowness and indifference towards my unfulfilled dreams and passivity (and inability) to achieve anything in life to create a life even resembling anything I could be happy with has been slowly crawling in my mind in recent years. I can't help it happening because of aforementioned reasons in previous paragraph. What's gonna happen if the emptiness, hollowness and indifference totally take over me? Do I commit the act of offing myself from this cruel, cold, unemphatic and painful world? Perhaps not (yet at least) because I at least have somewhat good interactions with my friends f.e. I also have family that I have somewhat manageable relationship with and they have supported me too in some aspects of life even though I've been horrible downer and burden for many years to them and sometimes to my friends too. And that makes me think that many users here on SaSu don't have luxury to have good and supportive companionship with other people or are totally lonely and I feel bad for them. I also have other supporting things in life (like living in a supported, small-communal household) that make my life more bearable.

But still, I wonder that is there a truly coherent reason to live if you can't make your own private life satisfying in an aspect of self-development and even smaller dreams coming true? This brings up these questions to my mind: Why is there this stupid, build-in mechanism in us all to want more and more and never be satisfied? Is it because of society (especially in the west) in general works and shows that that's the way to be (constantly around the achievements and dreaming big)? Why society has to work that way? Just why we can't relax, make peace with ourselves and enjoy?