gday kia ora, im Epirama nice to meet you all
i could have been responsible for my appointment today with my therapist/case manager in the morning, but instead i stayed up letting my thoughts freely panic thinking where it all went wrong. Staying motionless in my bed for hours keeping myself suspended from midnight until the early-mid morning going through all the traumatic memories I can remember trying to decipher how I was led here from a time back when everything seemed so much easier, back when I had atleast some happiness.
as im sure most of us are, im incredibly mentally ill. im still reeling from last week when i tried to ctb twice just days apart from each other. i tried overdosing twice, on tuesday on booze and gabas, but I was resuscitated and brought to the emergency department for a doctor to discharge me after they asked if I could promise and guarantee I would be safe, just for me to try it all again a couple later with 25 xans, a bottle of robitussin and chugging quarter of a litre of vodka and some asahis, but was resuscitated again. On my second attempt they figured to put me in the slammer, but as a voluntary case which im suprised about i got to argue my rights to be discharged and now im back on the outside on my same bullshit and trying to plan again. Each time my girlfriend found me and called the ambos, and I was saved. She had to do CPR on me, the shame I feel for putting her through this and and how cooked it is is immeasurable.
This is four attempts within just this and the last month that ive tried to ctb, and each time ive been saved. i put on the facade for anyone near or close to me that im primarily consumed just with the pain, but really every feeling is mixed, and im dissapointed that i was saved and wasnt left to die. I hope my next attempt is my last.
Personally my suicidality is to chase the poetic death. I feel like people underestimate how difficult it is to plan this shit out. Ive written a thorough last will and testament and goodbyes each time, but you have to be found, and no one is going to let it happen. I just want to peacefully pass in my girlfriends arms, uttering my final words that I love her and I will always be with her just before passing, i want it to be like a movie, but thats difficult to accomplish.
im still "recovering" and in immense pain, my nerve pain is chocka and everywhere, if not to ctb just to be selfish and die atleast also you dont have to be aware of creating new traumatic experiences for you and those around you, as well as creating so much physical pain and discomfort. When the paramedics saved me, it was a young guy on placements with his uni who was at a total loss, and one experienced dude who was totally stressed out trying to save me with only moments to spare, they messed the catheter and now i have a top thats absolutely drenched in blood front to back, each attempt I almost went each time to toi o ngā rangi, but when you attempt to ctb and you freak out even the paramedics and traumatise them, i realise ive only created more of those points of catastrophe that I was trying to decipher, to further lead myself deeper inward onto my own intrusive destructive thoughts
if people knew my real thoughts and intentions, im scared to what it would compel them to do.
i could have been responsible for my appointment today with my therapist/case manager in the morning, but instead i stayed up letting my thoughts freely panic thinking where it all went wrong. Staying motionless in my bed for hours keeping myself suspended from midnight until the early-mid morning going through all the traumatic memories I can remember trying to decipher how I was led here from a time back when everything seemed so much easier, back when I had atleast some happiness.
as im sure most of us are, im incredibly mentally ill. im still reeling from last week when i tried to ctb twice just days apart from each other. i tried overdosing twice, on tuesday on booze and gabas, but I was resuscitated and brought to the emergency department for a doctor to discharge me after they asked if I could promise and guarantee I would be safe, just for me to try it all again a couple later with 25 xans, a bottle of robitussin and chugging quarter of a litre of vodka and some asahis, but was resuscitated again. On my second attempt they figured to put me in the slammer, but as a voluntary case which im suprised about i got to argue my rights to be discharged and now im back on the outside on my same bullshit and trying to plan again. Each time my girlfriend found me and called the ambos, and I was saved. She had to do CPR on me, the shame I feel for putting her through this and and how cooked it is is immeasurable.
This is four attempts within just this and the last month that ive tried to ctb, and each time ive been saved. i put on the facade for anyone near or close to me that im primarily consumed just with the pain, but really every feeling is mixed, and im dissapointed that i was saved and wasnt left to die. I hope my next attempt is my last.
Personally my suicidality is to chase the poetic death. I feel like people underestimate how difficult it is to plan this shit out. Ive written a thorough last will and testament and goodbyes each time, but you have to be found, and no one is going to let it happen. I just want to peacefully pass in my girlfriends arms, uttering my final words that I love her and I will always be with her just before passing, i want it to be like a movie, but thats difficult to accomplish.
im still "recovering" and in immense pain, my nerve pain is chocka and everywhere, if not to ctb just to be selfish and die atleast also you dont have to be aware of creating new traumatic experiences for you and those around you, as well as creating so much physical pain and discomfort. When the paramedics saved me, it was a young guy on placements with his uni who was at a total loss, and one experienced dude who was totally stressed out trying to save me with only moments to spare, they messed the catheter and now i have a top thats absolutely drenched in blood front to back, each attempt I almost went each time to toi o ngā rangi, but when you attempt to ctb and you freak out even the paramedics and traumatise them, i realise ive only created more of those points of catastrophe that I was trying to decipher, to further lead myself deeper inward onto my own intrusive destructive thoughts
if people knew my real thoughts and intentions, im scared to what it would compel them to do.
