Venting trying to get into the headspace of a person preparing to die

[monetpompo]

i can't sleep most nights and usually stare at my phone. last night i was thinking about how i need to say all my goodbyes to the people i know and i can't break down when i do. they won't understand why i'm acting so sad when we're supposed to be having fun and getting together. but it's going to be the "last" time i do it and the last impression i ever make on them. i'll never see any of them again.

i wish i was allowed to tell people, but i know i can't. no one wants me to tell them i'm committing suicide because people intrinsically believe no one deserves to die. it's meant to be a secret up until the very last moment. i used to want to tell everyone in my life so that they would see that i was suffering, but now i know it only causes people distress. what i hate the most is the idea that i'll do all this mental prep and then i'll still be alive in january because i backed out or failed. at least no one will know i was planning to kill myself in the first place if i don't tell them. every morning i work through the same grief of knowing that i'm going to die. sometimes it gives me more relief than anxiety that i have some plans to occupy my time with, when i was spending most of it in isolation. it's nice that my friends still want to hang out with me, even if i think i'm a replaceable person.

the urge to die overrides all my desire to have a good life. suicidal ideation kind of stops me from being able to live my life at all, since i'm constantly stuck in between choosing to live or die. it can make a person feel incredibly lonely, but it's nice to know that a lot of people on sasu are dealing with the same thing. no one drops dead the moment they don't want to live anymore, because dying is very hard. people that want to live don't understand just how hard it is to die. i'm trying to avoid blowing up on my friends and self isolating, but it feels hard when i have to make myself act happy in order to save face. every day i'm just slumped over in bed looking sad because i have no real purpose. that's the real version of me, not the version that showers and puts on clean clothes to go somewhere. i feel like i'm braindead sometimes. the brain fog is good for forgetting things, though. i think that i want to lay in bed so long that i start decomposing and rotting away like fruit. my family can pick me up and put me in a human sized trash bag.

 

[overmorrow]

you don't have to tell anyone anything, this is all your choice to do so, and it's nobody possession, if you want to live or not, please do not force yourself, if you can't keep going

keep it private, nobody has to know, nobody should influence you, or change your idea, you are your own person

 

[Chemi]

You put your feelings into words in a very beautiful and relatable way. I can identify with your post a lot, actually. It is incredibly hard to walk through life with such a big secret, knowing everyone will turn on you if they find out. Wishing you lots of strength for your path.

 

[emptylost]

I relate completely to your post. I have been preparing for almost a year for my ctb and it has been a real struggle to not say anything to anyone. Because I know if I mention it they could have me committed or risk losing the friendship.

I have been a shell of myself this last year, because I feel like a dead man walking. Every day I wake up I think about suicide, not 1 day goes by that I am not thinking about it or preparing. I spend most of my time isolated in a room. I have become an observer of life, meaning that I don't physically partake in life, I just observe life through social media, internet, tv, movies, and people.
I have become a huge thinker, because I live my life in my brain, no actual plans of doing things physically because that would bring hope. Hope is a dangerous place for me to play with and doesn't fix my situation, just temporarily distracts it.

I am always so tired. It has taken a long time for me to get everything prepared for ctb, because it is was emotionally draining. Example was getting my suicide notes done, took me 2-3 months to finish, they were emotionally taxing. Having the energy to get everything prepared has been extremely tough. When I take action, like the notes, or canceling my bank account, selling/getting rid of items, putting things in storage etc… it becomes real and I get an adrenaline dump from it, which intensifies the tiredness.

But it is not safe for us to tell anyone, because we risk them getting in the way of our CTB. It has been an introspective and very lonely period. Even when around friends and family it is lonely because you can't say anything, and sometimes I have to lie about what I am doing to not arise suspicions.

You are not alone.