traveling

[Winry]

People told me I'd feel better if I get a new job bc my other one was literally 12 hours a day all 365 days out of the year.

Got a new job making more money for working 1-3 hours a WEEK from home (I have more free time than I know what to do with - This is so many people's dream job but I am even more suicidal now).

Since my s/o and I are both making more money he thought it would help my mental health if we traveled to another state for the holidays.

We went hiking yesterday in beautiful mountains toward a waterfall. Gorgeous, but then what? I still feel the same. I want to die. Every time I looked over off a cliff, I just wanted to jump. But that's not my preferred method anyways.

I'm gonna go home in a week or two & then what? Same shit. I'll still be depressed and suicidal.

I've even been trying psychedelic mushrooms for a while to see if they'll help me at all. I've grown two ounces on my own so far & tried a couple trips but as soon as the trip is over, I'm suicidal again.

I've done all that and more. Everything I know of to help myself.

I think this might be the end of me trying to recover.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It's frustrating when you just can't feel happiness in circumstances that you know "should* elicit at least a little. Are there any concrete problems you are struggling with in life or is it just a sort of amorphous anguish?

 

[Winry]

It's frustrating when you just can't feel happiness in circumstances that you know "should* elicit at least a little. Are there any concrete problems you are struggling with in life or is it just a sort of amorphous anguish?

Amorphous anguish is the best way I have seen it explained. I can't pinpoint anything. Best I can explain to my s/o is that I have a constant feeling that I need to run away and constant feeling of boredom. I've seen everything I wanted to see in the USA and in my mum's home country by age 21.

It may stem from the years I spent couch surfing and being homeless. I traveled and lived in my car more often than not in my teen years, so now in my mid/late twenties having our own home just feels so wrong.

I just want to run away but nowhere is far enough or interesting enough.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and respond to me :)