hoppybunny
Fearer of the Future
- Jun 26, 2024
- 210
A while ago i posted about my mum and how she's making me want to kill myself. She acted up again recently and now I'm resisting the urge to buy a shotgun at the gunstore less than 5 minutes away from me.
I want to blow my head open so bad.
I know i need to focus on gatting a job and leaving but I'm just so anxious because of her right now I'm in a constant state of needing to puke and only feel relief when I'm sleeping.
I really can't take this anymore.
My dad basically told me that my mum's moods and feelings are more important than everyone else and that when she yells at me and insults me my job is to hug her and apologize because she's a sensitive person.
Am i not a human with feelings as well?!?!
Why should I forgive her when she says i should kill myself and throws things at me and calls me ugly and tells me to leave and locks me out when she's angry because "she only said it out of anger"(what my dad said) but if i defend myself and yell back i deserve to be cursed at and I'm stupid and a terrible and ungrateful child.
I have nothing to my name and it's their fault and they know that so they constantly harrass me because I have nowhere else to go.
I just want to shoot myself and end it all. All i have in my account is enough for a shotgun and bullets.
I barely passed college so I'm pretty incompetent at my degree so i basically need to teach myself everything before i can get a job but for the same reason i barely passed college, i probably won't be able to get a job and free myself.
I'm so useless. Why can't I just get up and work. Why do i have to feel this way.
I just want to be able to relax for once. I've never felt like i could relax.
I'm always feeling like someone is going to hit me or yell at me. And now it feels like the only way to escape this is to kill myself.
I just don't know why God would put me through something like this.
My Dad said he would talk to my mum and he immediately bent over backwards for her. She's terrible and all the problems in our house are because of the 2 of them. They find fault in everything we do and always yell at u, insult us and hit us. But my mum is worse because even my dad knows she gets irrationally angry and says terrible things even to him when she's upset.
I'm not saying I want my dad to hit my mum but if i even said half the things she'd said to him, he would've hung me himself. Since he said it's his religious duty to kill us if we disrespect him or his wife.
Even last night when he asked us what they can do to improve our relationship, he laughed in my face because i said that i feel like I'm not allowed to speak at home.
I just don't know what to do.
I tried being firm and calling a moving company to get my stuff after she kicked me out but she essentially embarrassed me in front of him and made him leave. My dad forced me to come back and now here i am locked in my room. I haven't eaten since yesterday and my anxiety is giving me the constant urge to throw up but not actually making me throw up.
I feel terrible and even though I'm hot, im shivering.
I can't take it anymore.
I hate that I'll have to apologize to her, in order to keep the peace or whatever when everyone knows this entire argument was her fault.
My Dad especially, after yelling at me and my sister for disrespecting his authority as a father and man of the house allowed my mum to yell at him, and say he only wants her for her money, when he makes 10 times more than she makes. He spent the entire night venting about how she disrespects him and basically said, if i put up with your mother acting like a fucking bitch all the time. So should you.
I'm sick of him and his spineless behaviour. And my mum and her narcissistic behaviour.
She treats me like a bum less than 2 weeks out of school because i didn't graduate with a job lined up. And says I don't do anything in the house because unlike her I don't make a show of doing basic chores.
She wants us to get on our knees and beg her for forgiveness and my dad is telling me to do that. Why can't she just stop being a bitch.
My dad literally said my sister and I are exactly the same as our mum because we said it was unfair that we have to put up with her behavior and don't want to just take her insults anymore. Then he started spouting some bullshit about how women are difficult and emotional but not him.
But he's very emotional. He gets angry easily. He always whines about how someone disrespected him. And he goes on 2 hour rants and vents about how our mum insulted him or how his friends betrayed him literally over 10 years ago.
But then in the same breath he says that because he's a man he just moves on easily and forgets when people hurt him.
The cognitive dissonance on both of them are driving me crazy. If not for my younger siblings i think i would've become very violent with them.
All I can do is shoot myself or try to ignore my body literally screaming at me to escape so i can focus and get a job.
And the first one feels faster.
The only reason i could even type this post out is because my dad is basically guarding the car so i can't just leave to go get a gun. I think it's God's doing so i can calm myself down and focus on job hunting.
I just can't understand why i have to deal with this.
I want to blow my head open so bad.
I know i need to focus on gatting a job and leaving but I'm just so anxious because of her right now I'm in a constant state of needing to puke and only feel relief when I'm sleeping.
I really can't take this anymore.
My dad basically told me that my mum's moods and feelings are more important than everyone else and that when she yells at me and insults me my job is to hug her and apologize because she's a sensitive person.
Am i not a human with feelings as well?!?!
Why should I forgive her when she says i should kill myself and throws things at me and calls me ugly and tells me to leave and locks me out when she's angry because "she only said it out of anger"(what my dad said) but if i defend myself and yell back i deserve to be cursed at and I'm stupid and a terrible and ungrateful child.
I have nothing to my name and it's their fault and they know that so they constantly harrass me because I have nowhere else to go.
I just want to shoot myself and end it all. All i have in my account is enough for a shotgun and bullets.
I barely passed college so I'm pretty incompetent at my degree so i basically need to teach myself everything before i can get a job but for the same reason i barely passed college, i probably won't be able to get a job and free myself.
I'm so useless. Why can't I just get up and work. Why do i have to feel this way.
I just want to be able to relax for once. I've never felt like i could relax.
I'm always feeling like someone is going to hit me or yell at me. And now it feels like the only way to escape this is to kill myself.
I just don't know why God would put me through something like this.
My Dad said he would talk to my mum and he immediately bent over backwards for her. She's terrible and all the problems in our house are because of the 2 of them. They find fault in everything we do and always yell at u, insult us and hit us. But my mum is worse because even my dad knows she gets irrationally angry and says terrible things even to him when she's upset.
I'm not saying I want my dad to hit my mum but if i even said half the things she'd said to him, he would've hung me himself. Since he said it's his religious duty to kill us if we disrespect him or his wife.
Even last night when he asked us what they can do to improve our relationship, he laughed in my face because i said that i feel like I'm not allowed to speak at home.
I just don't know what to do.
I tried being firm and calling a moving company to get my stuff after she kicked me out but she essentially embarrassed me in front of him and made him leave. My dad forced me to come back and now here i am locked in my room. I haven't eaten since yesterday and my anxiety is giving me the constant urge to throw up but not actually making me throw up.
I feel terrible and even though I'm hot, im shivering.
I can't take it anymore.
I hate that I'll have to apologize to her, in order to keep the peace or whatever when everyone knows this entire argument was her fault.
My Dad especially, after yelling at me and my sister for disrespecting his authority as a father and man of the house allowed my mum to yell at him, and say he only wants her for her money, when he makes 10 times more than she makes. He spent the entire night venting about how she disrespects him and basically said, if i put up with your mother acting like a fucking bitch all the time. So should you.
I'm sick of him and his spineless behaviour. And my mum and her narcissistic behaviour.
She treats me like a bum less than 2 weeks out of school because i didn't graduate with a job lined up. And says I don't do anything in the house because unlike her I don't make a show of doing basic chores.
She wants us to get on our knees and beg her for forgiveness and my dad is telling me to do that. Why can't she just stop being a bitch.
My dad literally said my sister and I are exactly the same as our mum because we said it was unfair that we have to put up with her behavior and don't want to just take her insults anymore. Then he started spouting some bullshit about how women are difficult and emotional but not him.
But he's very emotional. He gets angry easily. He always whines about how someone disrespected him. And he goes on 2 hour rants and vents about how our mum insulted him or how his friends betrayed him literally over 10 years ago.
But then in the same breath he says that because he's a man he just moves on easily and forgets when people hurt him.
The cognitive dissonance on both of them are driving me crazy. If not for my younger siblings i think i would've become very violent with them.
All I can do is shoot myself or try to ignore my body literally screaming at me to escape so i can focus and get a job.
And the first one feels faster.
The only reason i could even type this post out is because my dad is basically guarding the car so i can't just leave to go get a gun. I think it's God's doing so i can calm myself down and focus on job hunting.
I just can't understand why i have to deal with this.
