Venting Thread for my personal diary vents

[softservecaramel]

Hi, I hope this is the appropriate place for venting. I think I'm going to make a thread for my vents from now on so they can all be in one spot.

I don't have any major life updates, pretty much all I've done recently is just rot in bed and smoke weed. I hate that I haven't been applying for jobs because I'm going to lose my apartment probably if I don't, and mostly I hate myself. I am a very lonely person and I find myself spending a lot of time in my room doing nothing or just rotting. I talk to my ex a lot because I'm so lonely but he's moving on (and why shouldn't he)? We used to talk daily and every night before bed but now I'm just alone again lol.

It's so sad because I'm still coping with the reality that I'm alone. I have some friends of course, but I just really struggle with it. I dropped out of grad school, and coming to terms with the fact I'm not the woman I thought I was is hard. I can't seem to want to do anything and I know it was silly of me to rely on him for motivation, but it's sad to see that era truly end. The relationship was toxic at times, but we broke up 3 months ago, and I broke up with him (but it was mutual) because I know long term our goals didn't align and he wasn't what I was looking for, but I was clinging to him. It sucks how dependent I became on him, but I'm scared to stand alone even though I don't even know where my change from being independent and self driven to whatever pathetic creature I am now came from.

I have dreams but they seem to large and overwhelming, and as I've become an adult I've realized I've spend so much time daydreaming and fantasizing about life that I've missed out on it. The dreams I wanted like having been valedictorian or even being an above average college student slipped from my fingers because I was too busy doing nothing. It's not like I partied through school either. I've just found that I've betrayed myself and that's hard to cope with. I want to do better, but I found myself falling into this logical fallacy where I don't feel motivated to do things, they've slipped through my fingers, and I started to feel like shit, this leads to guilt and shame, and then as a result of that I do nothing and the cycle continues.
Today, i'm really going to try to break the cycle of being unproductive by doing the stuff that I desperately need to be doing

 

[timf]

If you have an undergraduate degree, you might be able to do substitute teaching. There may be opportunities to do temporary work which can be both interesting and not tie you to anything permanently.

I think it was John Lennon who said, "Life is what happens to you while you are waiting for something else". Life can be intimidating if you think of it in dream like terms. However, if you break it down into smaller daily steps, it become a little more manageable.

 

[softservecaramel]

Didn't do anything productive lol still stuck in the cycle. Hopefully one day I'll snap out of it but I know I won't

If you have an undergraduate degree, you might be able to do substitute teaching. There may be opportunities to do temporary work which can be both interesting and not tie you to anything permanently.

I think it was John Lennon who said, "Life is what happens to you while you are waiting for something else". Life can be intimidating if you think of it in dream like terms. However, if you break it down into smaller daily steps, it become a little more manageable.

Yeah I just don't want to do teaching lol. It sucks because I had so many opportunities to change and make my life better but I just wasn't able to. I feel like I've lived my whole life in the passenger seat, just being so jealous of other people, but maybe one day I'll have the strength try to work towards my dreams. I guess I'm someone where I watch life happen rather than actively participating