Discussion Those of you who struggle with trauma, what's the most annoying thing people say to you?

[Gl1tch3d G1rl]

For me it's tied between 2:

1. "Just move on, it's all in your past anyway" or the like. Do people seriously think I wouldn't have already if it was that easy? The only thing I want to, is to move on, but my fucking brain won't let me!

2. "Why won't you trust him/her/them? They're not [insert abusor(s) name(s) here], you have to trust them!" etc. etc. When you've been stabbed in your back time after time, how tf do you expect me to trust people??? It's not like I want to have trust issues, smh.

I also hate it when people try to justify the trauma like "you're overreacting" or "They meant well" etc. Like they would know...

 

[dragonofenvy]

Not taking it seriously. It's one thing to be a bit puzzled by it and ask questions which I'm fine with answering. It's another just brush it aside or call you weak for having something that affected you. Also minimizing the permanent effects it can have especially if it occurs at a young age which to be fair most people don't understand psychology on that level so I guess I don't totally fault them. My favorite one is when people go for the whole "it gives you strength and builds your character" angle. Yeah it certainly built my character just in the wrong way.

People (understandably), can't comprehend what it feels like and because of this easily diminish it. Unless they've experienced deep trauma like a lot of people on this site have they'll never be able to relate. Otherwise, it's a problem on the other side of the world to them. I'm sure not everyone is like this, just everyone I've ever known.

 

[Namelesa]

something I been told along the lines of sometimes is that "I just remember it more negatively than what actually happened." and I don't know whether to actually think what they are saying is true or not and makes me think my memory is just overexaggerating and I am just pathetic. That's actually probably true cus I haven't actually gone anything that terrible.

 

[dragonofenvy]

That's actually probably true cus I haven't actually gone anything that terrible.

Even if something isn't that terrible it's still terrible. Like sure I went through stuff that was bad, but of course it probably isn't nearly as bad as being a child soldier or a slave in diamond mines never seeing the sun for months, but that doesn't mean that what I went through was somehow not bad and that I should be able to get through it. That's your mind trying to guilt you. Even better, a lot of people try to use this to guilt you as though you'll somehow get better from feeling guilty (you feel worse).

If you're being affected emotionally by something it was traumatic, it's a strong word to use for some things that sound as trivial as say, being absolutely humiliated in a school presentation, but it still was. Because now you have permanent anxiety, you fear being in the spotlight, you fear to be ambitious and now your life stagnates. As your life gets worse, it, well funnily enough starts getting worse as self-worth issues start piling in and your drive disappears as depression sets in. All of this because of embarrassment at school. This really happens. I've seen it, I've read research papers on it. So even if it "wasn't as bad", it still is until it is treated. Then you can look back at it and chuckle to yourself about it. Or, you minimizing it is in itself a trauma response, which is often the case. No matter which it is, my previous logic still remains true.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

My favorite one is when people go for the whole "it gives you strength and builds your character" angle. Yeah it certainly built my character just in the wrong way.

You said it. Everyone has a different capacity for tolerating adversity, and sometimes events will happen in someone's life that far outstrips their capacity. You can't expect them to "grow stronger" from that experience any more than you could expect a fence to hold firm against a tsunami when it was only meant to handle a creek.

 

[Promised Heaven]

"You chose to let it bother you".

It bothers me because it ruined me. It bothers me because it defined me. It bothers me because it destroyed everything good in my life.

 

[FoxSauce]

I guess the phrases I cam think of is

Hey (insert name) I feel like absolute crap today-

Person- Just smile and think positive

Me: Bro are you fr?

Or my absolute fav

"Well you have to choose not to let it bother you cuz it will consume you or please let keep this positive, it's kinda depressing"

Or why won't you try (insert solutions here)

OR (ik this might be a bit controversial but)

*explains how you feel*

So and so- We'll that doesn't look so bad, my trauma was way worse beacuse *explains why*

(This last one I take a issue with ofc trauma is a important thing to consider but making it out that "mine was worse than you" mentality just invalidates the other ones.)

Ofc I personally think all traumas are just as important no matter how big or how small and it should be talked about as such.

 

[flesh object]

I personally have the ability to isolate and dismiss optimism, statements or suggestions about a brighter side of life because it never meant anything to me. It did not require a response, or action. Such statements never made me feel any better, nor did it motivate me to act.

I have found meaningless mundane questions repulsive. Questions such as

How is your day?
You've been doing (activity) for a long time?
Did you eat/drink/sleep?
How is the cold/hot weather for you?
Are you tired?
How long did you sleep for/been awake for?

or questions that are already answered.

Was the food you ate enough?
Do you need (item)

If it wasn't enough, or good, or I need something, I would have already made a physical action myself.

To me, what are they going to do about it if my day is bad, if I didn't eat or drink or sleep, if the day is cold or warm. It is such a meaningless string of words to me. I've developed a response similar to "What can you even do about it?" or just outright stating that I am repulsed by such questions or statements.

Life is so tragic. I struggle with countless issues and it is already difficult enough attempting to be productive. Adding in useless and mundane noise does not help either.

 

[shadows_and_silence]

"just thug it out"

i can't do it anymore. listen i love you and youre an amazing friend to me but i literally can't do that

 

[human909]

"you're just overreacting, get over it"

i can't, it's something that is in my brain forever and i don't know how to get it unstuck.

 

[itbelikethat]

Everytime I've reached out all I get is that it'll eventually work out. Or i get people trying to analyze me. My ex always made it about how it affects her.

The worst one I've heard so far is that I have to be true to myself, and ill eventually find people i fit in with. Everytime I've been honest with how I feel or who I am people go away.

I absolutely did try, but there is something wrong with me at my core that will not get better.

So no, I cant be "true to myself" because if I don't feel that my presence is wanted soon then I'm done, and nobody wants to be around someone as broken as I am.

 

[waistcoat]

i've never actually fully explained my truama to anyone before, so i haven't had the whole "get over it" lecture from people before, but i do have a truama caused disorder (dissociative identity disorder) and for some reason people love asking what truama caused it and if i can explain it to them.

 

[SVEN]

"Pull yourself together."

 

[onthefence]

i've never actually fully explained my truama to anyone before, so i haven't had the whole "get over it" lecture from people before, but i do have a truama caused disorder (dissociative identity disorder) and for some reason people love asking what truama caused it and if i can explain it to them.

I haven't told anyone except my therapist. No one else knows I have CPTSD. My approach with other people who disclose trauma to me is to say they don't need to tell me any details.
It is not okay to retraumatize people for peoples morbid curiosity.
No one in my real life knows about my trauma. Sometimes when people are genuinely trying to figure me out and have a relationship with me I want to blurt out that my ACE score is a ten and they will never understand where I am coming from. But then they would look at me like the freak that I am. So I don't let anyone get close. Not even my closest family members. It's exhausting masking all the time.

The thing that frustrates me the most though is my coworkers purposely triggering my over reactivity by waiting around the corner when I'm coming down the hall and jumping out to make me scream. Every time it takes hours to get myself a bit regulated again. They find it hilarious

 

[Electra]

I think people minimizing your trauma or comparing it to something else. Or putting everything on "you're so sensitive" chip.

 

[milkteacrown]

"Having trauma is out of your control. Being affected by it in the present is your choice." I'm diagnosed with PTSD and was told this by my provider. I would have laughed in his face, but I had nothing to really say in response to such a lack of understanding of how that disorder works.

 

[iset]

"I thought you were already over it" (a friend who I know for appr. 16 years)

 

[Saturn_]

"You're trauma dumping/I don't know how to deal with you/I'm not your therapist/That's not my problem"/any variation of this astroturfed selfishness pushed by social media. If you want to keep friends, you can't avoid discomfort. People are social creatures and rely on each other for warmth so that they can live. Everyone has needs and your words and actions will never exist in a vacuum. If you don't like that, then don't make friends. It just makes me feel broken to hear that, as if from being damaged goods, I am better off not interacting with society in general because "who has time for my problems?" It's a large reason why I keep people at arm's length and feel very afraid of opening up to anyone, because I don't want to be anyone's charity case. But in the same vein, when I help other people and listen to them vent, it's no sweat off my back. How much of it is genuine discomfort and how much of it is an astroturfed belief that you shouldn't have to be there for anyone, and that you can just go back to your own devices? I don't know.