Discussion Those in a loving relationship, what're your current feelings on CTB?

[GhostInTheMachine]

I love my boyfriend, more than anything else on this planet. He's the only reason I'm not completely spiraling out every single day. He's the rock I can cling to in the maelstrom of existence. He's a complete polar opposite to my misery, a shining light that forces a smile out of me when I'm trying to find any reason to let go and be consumed into the void. Even still, I consider dying every day, of my own volition.

It's not that he isn't enough, it's that I feel inadequate to be his companion in life despite how often he tells me there's nobody else who could be. I'm currently holding on because I don't want to leave him on this monkey mudball alone. I just want it all to end, but I choose to suffer because he makes it worth it. If I ever lost him, I'd lose myself. What worries me though is that I fear that one day I might still lose myself, even with him with me.

I can only hope that day never comes. If it does, I hope he can move on. I believe he will.

 

[fernstaysquiet]

I'm in a relationship as well. The only reason I'm alive is because of my partner. I think we've become each other's reason for staying, as we both have had suicidal tendencies in the past, and even now we're both quite unstable.

I couldn't go without her. I wouldn't want to leave her alone on this godforsaken earth.

I do hope we can find a way to make it through together, but if not we'll come up with another solution.

 

[MetallicCognition]

As a "single", posts like this make me quite sad. I often think that the panacea to my misery would be a loving relationship. But, of course it's never that simple.

I'm glad you have a rock - he sounds like he loves you and supports you. I would say to take his words at face value: he appreciates you, even if you don't feel worth appreciating. You're only as inadequate as he thinks you are, and since he loves you and invests time and energy into you, then you aren't inadequate to him at all. Sometimes there's one good thing that makes everything else worthwhile, and he's the good in your life.

 

[kagebunshin]

The only reason I'm still here is because of my partner. I love him more than I hate myself. A dark part of me wishes he would leave me so that I can ctb without regrets. But he envisions a future with me in it, and he is too pure and precious for me to wrest that future from him. So I live on...

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

As a "single", posts like this make me quite sad. I often think that the panacea to my misery would be a loving relationship. But, of course it's never that simple.

Correct, it isn't, but it helps alot. I acknowledge my blessings in having him in my life, and I can't imagine life without him.

I'm glad you have a rock - he sounds like he loves you and supports you. I would say to take his words at face value: he appreciates you, even if you don't feel worth appreciating. You're only as inadequate as he thinks you are, and since he loves you and invests time and energy into you, then you aren't inadequate to him at all. Sometimes there's one good thing that makes everything else worthwhile, and he's the good in your life.

Don't get me wrong, I 100% believe him when he says why he loves me. I just wish I could feel the love he feels for me for myself. He really is the good in my life, and I refuse to let go.

 

[ceilng_tile]

I love my wife and she has gone to great lengths to support me, but she can't fix the problem that is making me suicidal in the first place. Having her in my life makes me want to try harder to fix that problem but it doesn't make it any easier

 

[crmrc_in]

I have been in a relationship for over 10 years. I moved to another country and changed career plans to live with her. I supported her financially when she was struggling. I dreamt of getting old together. We have always been together. I even get along well with her parents.

But then I fell into depression, started having anxiety attacks, quit my job, and began having suicidal thoughts. She knows all my problems. At some point, I made it clear to her that my head was cracking.

To my greatest disappointment, she started complaining that I'm no longer paying enough attention to her - even though I'm not even able to pay attention to myself anymore and have lost all interest in hobbies and friends.

One month ago we had an argument, and she told me she's not sure about her feelings anymore. Then she started telling me again that she loves me. One week ago, she told me again she's not sure whether she loves me anymore, and we've stopped saying "I love you" to each other. No more texting with tons of heart emoticons.

I noticed that she kisses me very rarely now, and only very quickly, just out of habit. Sex is very rare, but this is a minor problem, since I haven't been in the mood to have fun in bed either for about a year. She hugs me, but they way people hug pets.

I feel backstabbed, but partners must respect each other's feelings. She said that for now she can't even imagine us living apart, and that she won't leave me alone and will support me - but yeah, she's confused.

I wish she were cheating on me, but apparently she's not. Actually, months ago I even told her to go and find someone else, should things for me go very very bad.

She was the only reason I swallowed everything for years, and now the last of my life plans - living with her - is collapsing.

And now I am confused too. The only valuable thing I have might be lost and my heart is broken, and I reached an age in which starting over is not an easy option.

 

[MetallicCognition]

Correct, it isn't, but it helps a lot. I acknowledge my blessings in having him in my life, and I can't imagine life without him.

Don't get me wrong, I 100% believe him when he says why he loves me. I just wish I could feel the love he feels for me for myself. He really is the good in my life, and I refuse to let go.

I'm really glad you see it this way. I hope that despite your demons you can see the good in yourself. All the best.

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

I have been in a relationship for over 10 years. I moved to another country and changed career plans to live with her. I supported her financially when she was struggling. I dreamt of getting old together. We have always been together. I even get along well with her parents.

But then I fell into depression, started having anxiety attacks, quit my job, and began having suicidal thoughts. She knows all my problems. At some point, I made it clear to her that my head was cracking.

To my greatest disappointment, she started complaining that I'm no longer paying enough attention to her - even though I'm not even able to pay attention to myself anymore and have lost all interest in hobbies and friends.

One month ago we had an argument, and she told me she's not sure about her feelings anymore. Then she started telling me again that she loves me. One week ago, she told me again she's not sure whether she loves me anymore, and we've stopped saying "I love you" to each other. No more texting with tons of heart emoticons.

I noticed that she kisses me very rarely now, and only very quickly, just out of habit. Sex is very rare, but this is a minor problem, since I haven't been in the mood to have fun in bed either for about a year. She hugs me, but they way people hug pets.

I feel backstabbed, but partners must respect each other's feelings. She said that for now she can't even imagine us living apart, and that she won't leave me alone and will support me - but yeah, she's confused.

I wish she were cheating on me, but apparently she's not. Actually, months ago I even told her to go and find someone else, should things for me go very very bad.

She was the only reason I swallowed everything for years, and now the last of my life plans - living with her - is collapsing.

And now I am confused too. The only valuable thing I have might be lost and my heart is broken, and I reached an age in which starting over is not an easy option.

Was there anything in particular that caused your downward spiral, or was it something gradual?

 

[crmrc_in]

Was there anything in particular that caused your downward spiral, or was it something gradual?

There were multiple factors: the fact that I have been for over 6 years the one with the greatest financial responsibility in the relationship, and that she forbade me from asking her parents for help (she was, and still is, deeply ashamed of the financial problems she caused), then the fact that I had terrible jobs, far below my expectations, stressful and poorly paid, and, at some point, even some issues my parents (who live in another country) were going through and I could not help with.

These are probably the three main reasons, but then there's also a series of smaller episodes that, over time, made the burden slowly but steadily unbearable. Now every small problem looks HUGE. I am also afraid I can no longer recognise small and big problems, imaginary and actual problems. I'm exhausted. I have no more goals.

 

[Lyn]

I'm in a relationship as well. The only reason I'm alive is because of my partner. I think we've become each other's reason for staying, as we both have had suicidal tendencies in the past, and even now we're both quite unstable.

I couldn't go without her. I wouldn't want to leave her alone on this godforsaken earth.

I do hope we can find a way to make it through together, but if not we'll come up with another solution.

I completely get what you mean. My partner and I are in a really similar place, we've both struggled with suicidal thoughts, and in a way, we've become each other's lifeline. It's like we're holding each other together when everything else feels like it's falling apart.
But it only works while we fall into the void one by one.
I don't know what will happen if we would be drowning simultaneously...

And I can't tell my partner all the details of my condition because I know it could only make them feel worse.
I also hope we can find a way through. And if not, at least we'll face whatever comes side by side. I guess.

But then again... I'm not sure I'd be able to do it together, because as much as I'm pro-choice I just... don't want my partner to die.

But dying myself and leaving my partner alone also terrifies me.

But still, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to take all of this.

 

[BRAINWORMS]

I love him and he deserves so much better than a neurotic freak like me. Being with him is the most selfish thing I've ever done when he could do so much better.

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

There were multiple factors: the fact that I have been for over 6 years the one with the greatest financial responsibility in the relationship, and that she forbade me from asking her parents for help (she was, and still is, deeply ashamed of the financial problems she caused), then the fact that I had terrible jobs, far below my expectations, stressful and poorly paid, and, at some point, even some issues my parents (who live in another country) were going through and I could not help with.

These are probably the three main reasons, but then there's also a series of smaller episodes that, over time, made the burden slowly but steadily unbearable. Now every small problem looks HUGE. I am also afraid I can no longer recognise small and big problems, imaginary and actual problems. I'm exhausted. I have no more goals.

It's the little things that kill. They chip away at our feet as we try to hold the big things above our heads. Eventually they cut our foundations enough that we begine to lose our grip and everything comes crashing down. I'm so sorry that your circumstances have played out so terribly, it's hard out there. Even without goals, do you think there's anything around that's worth holding on to?

 

[crmrc_in]

It's the little things that kill. They chip away at our feet as we try to hold the big things above our heads. Eventually they cut our foundations enough that we begine to lose our grip and everything comes crashing down. I'm so sorry that your circumstances have played out so terribly, it's hard out there. Even without goals, do you think there's anything around that's worth holding on to?

I have recently found a new job in a non-profit organisation in the medical sector. For the first time in years I have the slightest sense that I am making a professional contribution to something meaningful. The problem is that it is a part-time job and although it's proportionally well paid, I need my working hours to be increased or I must find a side job asap. Or look for another job.

Then the pain I would cause my parents and the hassle and the costs of organising a funeral for somebody who died abroad. I would like to spare them that.

And then her. She just woke up from a short nap. I made a stupid joke about her snoring while sleeping next to me. She gave me a big smile and I admired her beautiful eyes. Then we hugged and kissed each other. Then I told her she is chubby and she told me I am ugly. I live for these stupid moments with her.

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

I have recently found a new job in a non-profit organisation in the medical sector. For the first time in years I have the slightest sense that I am making a professional contribution to something meaningful. The problem is that it is a part-time job and although it's proportionally well paid, I need my working hours to be increased or I must find a side job asap. Or look for another job.

Then the pain I would cause my parents and the hassle and the costs of organising a funeral for somebody who died abroad. I would like to spare them that.

And then her. She just woke up from a short nap. I made a stupid joke about her snoring while sleeping next to me. She gave me a big smile and I admired her beautiful eyes. Then we hugged and kissed each other. Then I told her she is chubby and she told me I am ugly. I live for these stupid moments with her.

It sounds like there's still something there worth fighting for. It sounds like despite everything you've been dealt, you're still wading through the storm. I commend you (not sure why this emoji is broken). Stress makes us all think irrationally, but you've gotten this far, what's a little further, eh? I know this job market is absolutely fucked, but you seem qualified enough to be able to find any kind of side hustle. Hopefully, just enough to keep you on pace. Godspeed comrade.

 

[crmrc_in]

It sounds like there's still something there worth fighting for. It sounds like despite everything you've been dealt, you're still wading through the storm. I commend you (not sure why this emoji is broken). Stress makes us all think irrationally, but you've gotten this far, what's a little further, eh? I know this job market is absolutely fucked, but you eem qualified enough to be able to find some kind of side hustle. Hopefully, just enough to keep you on pace. Godspeed comrade.

Thank you. You're very kind.

 

[usernamesarehard]

Not in a relationship anymore. If I was still with my ex, I wouldn't seriously consider ctb. I'd still be suicidal, but I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing now (making plans, writing notes, etc.). I love him and I couldn't do that to him.

We're not together anymore, but he wanted to stay friends. He says he still loves me, he just doesn't love me romantically. I still love him, but now that we're not together I have less of a problem ctb.

He also made my life better, and now that I don't have him anymore I'm reminded of how miserable I am. There's other things too, but those are the things related to relationships.

I also think when you're in a relationship you have something to distract you, but when you're alone all you have is your thoughts. I just can't distract myself anymore.