Venting Those closest to us often...

[Dante_]

are the source of additional despair. While looking at what's happened, i cant help but feel a sense of deep frustration, that not only have i lost my friend but that i watched everyone who could've done something do...nothing but add onto her struggles, here again, we have a case of someone who was failed not only by mental health services but worst of all, her own family and that brings me to this: its no surprise we hide what we hide from those around us, not because we are desperate to conceal for shame of trauma dumping but because through learned experiences, its better to do so than to be in the direct firing line of insults, accusations, assumptions about who we are so basically, to avoid a verbal onslaught that would cause us to further cripple under the burden we carry day in, day out consumed by persistently questioning why we bother ourselves with the effort to keep going, to keep reaching out when those we want to be honest with will not set aside the image they've conjured up in their minds regarding who we are as people and what we've been through.

Its no wonder that when i look at how everything unfolded, why she retreated further into silence and decided it was best to proceed that way because when she wanted help, no one really listened and when they did, it took longer than it should have and when she found a way better method that increased the chances of fatality, all interest withdrew and took her chances with ending things on her own terms since she could not find anything worth sustaining herself with, no reliable support system that could have helped her with the daunting and isolating thoughts of thinking that maybe...maybe it would have been better if she didn't exist anymore, may i also quickly add that i find it really ridiculous that when opening up, some respond with " you need to grow up", now, i find this to be ironically immature, its not often a point of criticism in the right direction or helpful advice to be a more responsible as a person but a remark disguised as an insult, a cheap shot if you will when all someone wants, all she wanted was to be heard, to not be judged despite surviving through traumatic experiences that earned doubt of its validity, the way i see it, it seems like we have to earn the benefit of the doubt in order to be met halfway and if not, we're called attention seekers, told to just suck it up and move on, expected to be present and forward thinking when we focus every part of ourselves to not actively seek absence since there is still a part of us that wants to be here but what happens when who we think would do the same, do not...

I've sat in in deep thought for a while, replayed the last couple of months in my head and i hesitate to say but, i cant help but feel I've seen the classic case of suicide that could have been averted had things been different and maybe that's just me speaking as a friend who did not want that to be the end even though i know she had a method that worked to an effect that any previous attempts, self harm or otherwise, did not but crisis management was virtually non existent with few instances of any note being temporary stays at a psych ward after near fatal attempts which, well lets face, we all know why people go out of their way to avoid places like that especially in the aftermath of an attempt, is that really the kind of place conducive to recovery following life being nearly lost? maybe in some but not all, certainly was not the case in hers. When are people going to be not so quick to be apathetic, only showing any recognition of the person's struggle after they've taken their lives and THEN...being sorry.

Its deplorable and all too repetitive to trust it will ever change and worst of all, when is the approach from the core we are supposed to rely on the most in family going to change and no longer be one of the reasons that pushes us further to exit.

I thought society would have learned better by now but when you strip away the "feel good" messages behind mental health campaigns and rallies attended by people who do care a bit for a relevant cause that's affected them personally, there are still individual cases, ones you witness up close and there...there you see a lot of what eventually drives people, like her, to not come back anymore, to let go of all conscious effort to stay and try but wouldn't it have been better if those in her immediate circle did not cause her, like so many including myself, to conclude that silence is the better strategy.

I care not for protestations that not all families or any friends we might be lucky to have are like what ive discussed, I'm aware, rather this vent, if you will, just reminded me painfully in the deep look I've taken time and time again...that decency and empathy is the last choice for many people so instead they choose to rip into someone, shred whatever little they had left and walk away feeling like maybe they did them a service, i don't know if its ignorance or hidden disdain at this point for purpose of pointing out the weaknesses in others so they wake up and face a reality where THEY are the problem.

There is a reason why ive called this a "deafening silence" ever since i found out, I'm sure the inquiries have been made, the world/services/systems failed her as the final result and now, nothing else can be done except reflect and in that silence, i have, a lot, but also beginning to understand who I've lost in the end, how terribly sad it is to look back and realize the events that led to it as a cruel culmination of the friendship i never thought I'd have for over a year but most of all, the person who struggled for so long, exercised all the strength she had to try and reach out but was shut down and...eventually shut off.

Anyway vented enough...that is all i have on my mind.