Venting This last year has been terrible and I'm kinda not connected to reality anymore

[sireb_b]

This is all very self-indulgent, I'm just trying to organize all that went down and share these awful feelings I have. So, I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for about 7 long exhausting years now. Never had a chance to seek therapy or professional help, so I've always just kinda tried to manage it all on my own. Tho in recent years stuff seemed to be getting much better for me and currently it has been 1500 days since I self harmed and 1700 days since my last CTB attempt, heck I was really sure I would recover soon from all this bs but no: the pain is still never ending.
Particularly last year I started a serious recovery journey, yk trying to investigate my thoughts deeply, being kind to myself, finding the causes of my pain and trying to get rid of them. I was honestly so proud of myself back then, I felt confident like never before: I liked the way I looked in the mirror, I didn't feel like garbage anymore, I wasn't actively trying to stay in my suffering, I had learned to deal with depressive episodes better, I was at the top of my school, I had an active social life, good friends and even a gf somehow. It really felt like I was living for the first time, but I was foolish to think it would last.
I think the main reason it all went down was beacause 1) my fear of the future, not being able to succeed in the future and the inability to imagine myself in it and 2) I put myself under too much pressure and stress, constantly trying to fix everything like a race and constantly trying to be perfect. Long story short I burned out and the future came and it really was as bad as I had imagined: I gained weight, I don't feel attractive or confident anymore and now I have a fucked up relationship with food again; after graduating high school I've lost a great part of my social circle, I feel like im just getting further away from my friends and I feel too exhausted to leave the house most of the time; also starting uni was terrifying, I have a hard time managing my classes and I'm not able to be a top student anymore, as if I reached my peak in high school and now I'm stuck being mediocre; I've had fights with friends I really care about and lost contact with them; and lastly, my gf left me in a really painful way and, despite all the hurt she caused, I still kinda miss her or something.
So life decided to fuck things up right when I felt like things could get better and that, paired with all the pressure I put on myself and the burnout, I broke. I passed the past few months kinda just surviving again, no goal in mind, not really much excitement for anything anymore or for the hobbies I used to love, no energy left to fix a single one of my problems, kinda reminded me how I was back a few years ago. At first everything felt kinda tranquil in a way, I thought maybe I needed a pause from thinking in general and perhaps going through this phase was necessary, but now I feel at a lower point than ever: idk if it's because I've finally restarted to reconnect with my feelings and issues after months, but it's like I've opened pandora's box and now it's all coming back to me at once.
I had a really bad episode the other day and suddenly I disconnected completely from reality. I just kept thinking I can't do this, I'm exhausted, I don't know what to do anymore and everything will always be a cycle of never ending pain. I can't help but feel that I've lost so much, been struggling for so long and for what? Right now I really feel like I'm not all there, that I should just plan out a way to CTB and end it, and this was actually the first time in my life that I've truly researched precise instructions to do so.
And the worst part? I'm so not present that I really don't feel anything at the moment, I'm not sad, I'm not happy, I'm not disappointed or relieved; this very moment doesn't feel real, like my actions won't have any true consequences. I've been in similiar states in the past and I do recognize how dangerous all of this is, but my brain is so disconnected that I truly don't give a care anymore, it's like I've completely shutdown. Deeply tho I do feel a part of me that wants me to get out of this danger, that wants help, for people to find my situation, to be cared for and loved.
So now I have no idea what to do, I know that if I keep enabling this numb state it'll lead me closer to CTB, and I'm not sure I want that for myself yet. But on the other side I don't have the will to fight anymore, and even if I had I don't even know what other options are left, cause I still feel without goal, without future, scared that life will fuck me up again or that recovery will just bring more pain and stress.
I'm so lost and up in my own head, I really wish stuff could be clearer.

 

[fuzzypeach]

when i expressed similar feelings to my therapist, she brought up the following: "An upward spiral of change is a self-reinforcing, positive process where, despite inevitable relapses, individuals apply lessons learned to grow stronger, creating a continuous, improving loop of behavior, emotions, and personal growth"

 

[timf]

It sounds like you had found a way to be on a "success" trajectory out of high school. There are a number of similar trajectories that ultimately prove unsustainable. The football star is another one. One problem with high school and college is that they are artificial environments.

I think it was John Lennon who was supposed to have said, "Life is what happens to you when you are waiting for something else". All too often people go through the school machine to try to get the highest paying career that they can. Some end up as doctors or lawyers that have to work 80 hours a week and find that even if they have a family of their own, they mess it up by being gone all the time.

It might not be a bad idea to research and experiment to see what interests you and what you enjoy as a type of work and pursue that. Things like layoffs, down turns, and other unexpected changes can disrupt a life, but if you have found work you enjoy, you should be able to have an inner resilience that can sustain the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

 

[calebzz1]

This is all very self-indulgent, I'm just trying to organize all that went down and share these awful feelings I have. So, I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for about 7 long exhausting years now. Never had a chance to seek therapy or professional help, so I've always just kinda tried to manage it all on my own. Tho in recent years stuff seemed to be getting much better for me and currently it has been 1500 days since I self harmed and 1700 days since my last CTB attempt, heck I was really sure I would recover soon from all this bs but no: the pain is still never ending.
Particularly last year I started a serious recovery journey, yk trying to investigate my thoughts deeply, being kind to myself, finding the causes of my pain and trying to get rid of them. I was honestly so proud of myself back then, I felt confident like never before: I liked the way I looked in the mirror, I didn't feel like garbage anymore, I wasn't actively trying to stay in my suffering, I had learned to deal with depressive episodes better, I was at the top of my school, I had an active social life, good friends and even a gf somehow. It really felt like I was living for the first time, but I was foolish to think it would last.
I think the main reason it all went down was beacause 1) my fear of the future, not being able to succeed in the future and the inability to imagine myself in it and 2) I put myself under too much pressure and stress, constantly trying to fix everything like a race and constantly trying to be perfect. Long story short I burned out and the future came and it really was as bad as I had imagined: I gained weight, I don't feel attractive or confident anymore and now I have a fucked up relationship with food again; after graduating high school I've lost a great part of my social circle, I feel like im just getting further away from my friends and I feel too exhausted to leave the house most of the time; also starting uni was terrifying, I have a hard time managing my classes and I'm not able to be a top student anymore, as if I reached my peak in high school and now I'm stuck being mediocre; I've had fights with friends I really care about and lost contact with them; and lastly, my gf left me in a really painful way and, despite all the hurt she caused, I still kinda miss her or something.
So life decided to fuck things up right when I felt like things could get better and that, paired with all the pressure I put on myself and the burnout, I broke. I passed the past few months kinda just surviving again, no goal in mind, not really much excitement for anything anymore or for the hobbies I used to love, no energy left to fix a single one of my problems, kinda reminded me how I was back a few years ago. At first everything felt kinda tranquil in a way, I thought maybe I needed a pause from thinking in general and perhaps going through this phase was necessary, but now I feel at a lower point than ever: idk if it's because I've finally restarted to reconnect with my feelings and issues after months, but it's like I've opened pandora's box and now it's all coming back to me at once.
I had a really bad episode the other day and suddenly I disconnected completely from reality. I just kept thinking I can't do this, I'm exhausted, I don't know what to do anymore and everything will always be a cycle of never ending pain. I can't help but feel that I've lost so much, been struggling for so long and for what? Right now I really feel like I'm not all there, that I should just plan out a way to CTB and end it, and this was actually the first time in my life that I've truly researched precise instructions to do so.
And the worst part? I'm so not present that I really don't feel anything at the moment, I'm not sad, I'm not happy, I'm not disappointed or relieved; this very moment doesn't feel real, like my actions won't have any true consequences. I've been in similiar states in the past and I do recognize how dangerous all of this is, but my brain is so disconnected that I truly don't give a care anymore, it's like I've completely shutdown. Deeply tho I do feel a part of me that wants me to get out of this danger, that wants help, for people to find my situation, to be cared for and loved.
So now I have no idea what to do, I know that if I keep enabling this numb state it'll lead me closer to CTB, and I'm not sure I want that for myself yet. But on the other side I don't have the will to fight anymore, and even if I had I don't even know what other options are left, cause I still feel without goal, without future, scared that life will fuck me up again or that recovery will just bring more pain and stress.
I'm so lost and up in my own head, I really wish stuff could be clearer.

Hello, this was a great post to read.

I'm sorry to hear of your struggle with mental illness.

Congratulations on your milestones by the way.

I can highly relate, peaked in high school and was the top of my class.

I had a bright future and was ready for college, tried it but couldn't continue due to my wild commute and lack of financial support.

The title was initially captivating because that's what I feel exactly, too.

I have a complex visual impairment that leads to experiencing random, horizontal intermittent double vision in one eye while low vision is prominent in both.

"Deeply tho I do feel a part of me that wants me to get out of this danger, that wants help, for people to find my situation, to be cared for and loved."

Same here.

I wish there was a magic potion I could drink to fix everything at hand and avoid my fate of obtaining disability benefits as a young man.

I rarely leave the house, maybe once or twice a month for practical reasons to help the household or my condition.

I have an amazing group of friends but I can't see well enough to do the activities they would like myself to do, it's very difficult.