starboy2k
the only thing I can do right….is be a burden
- May 21, 2025
- 218
i dont love myself, haven't loved myself for years.
what does that even look like? what does that feel like? whatever the answer to those questions are, I know I will never feel or experience that love.
i scoff at myself every morning looking at myself in the mirror, deep black sunken eyes, lifeless eyes, lifeless reflection looking back at me.
ive been convinced for a huge chunk of my life that my feelings dont matter, my thoughts are not based in reality, im only valid in those aspects if im paying bills….well now im jobless cant pay for anything. am i not valid anymore?
whats there to love if im just an "unemployed manchild" with little interest to socialize, goons all day, and constantly fantasizing about my own death?
this world that I didn't ask to be born in, being surrounded by people i never asked to be around has given me every reason to hate myself from child, to teen, to now adult….
can't even be bothered to defend myself against anyone. I've experienced time and time again that doing that will bring more punishment to me than justice. from students, to teachers, to family to my fucking previous jobs. i was never taught to have a voice. i was only taught there would be consequences if i choose to use it.
im never kind to myself, i am not a good person even when I try to be. im only my own worst enemy because now im by myself all the time. funny how thats viewed….you're your own enemy now because all the people that taught you to hate yourself aren't physically around you anymore….as if thats supposed to fix the damage already done.
go to therapy for what? so i can gain some bullshit "clarity" about why a gay, black, hiv positive man with unchecked mental issues feels they have no place in a society/world that very much hates the traits about them listed above? or am I supposed to go to therapy so I won't have nothing to "whine" and "complain" about regarding bullshit I never ask to deal with whether internally or externally……..
i remember someone on this site saying "therapy doesnt teach you to heal, it teaches you to be content with past and ongoing trauma" and that makes sense. in this world you are just a cog, and a cog with too many emotions can disrupt the whole billionare making machine.
idc whatever buzzwords Im called at this point to disparage whatever "character" I have left. i already know im a bum, i know im selfish, i know im too sheltered, i know im clueless etc etc etc
id be a liar to say i would like to fix any of these things. i dont. im content with dying a loser, a weakling, a shell of a person, dying poor, a defenseless man….im content with the fact that I will never love myself until the moment I take my last breath. thats when i will truly love myself…..when im finally dead.
what does that even look like? what does that feel like? whatever the answer to those questions are, I know I will never feel or experience that love.
i scoff at myself every morning looking at myself in the mirror, deep black sunken eyes, lifeless eyes, lifeless reflection looking back at me.
ive been convinced for a huge chunk of my life that my feelings dont matter, my thoughts are not based in reality, im only valid in those aspects if im paying bills….well now im jobless cant pay for anything. am i not valid anymore?
whats there to love if im just an "unemployed manchild" with little interest to socialize, goons all day, and constantly fantasizing about my own death?
this world that I didn't ask to be born in, being surrounded by people i never asked to be around has given me every reason to hate myself from child, to teen, to now adult….
can't even be bothered to defend myself against anyone. I've experienced time and time again that doing that will bring more punishment to me than justice. from students, to teachers, to family to my fucking previous jobs. i was never taught to have a voice. i was only taught there would be consequences if i choose to use it.
im never kind to myself, i am not a good person even when I try to be. im only my own worst enemy because now im by myself all the time. funny how thats viewed….you're your own enemy now because all the people that taught you to hate yourself aren't physically around you anymore….as if thats supposed to fix the damage already done.
go to therapy for what? so i can gain some bullshit "clarity" about why a gay, black, hiv positive man with unchecked mental issues feels they have no place in a society/world that very much hates the traits about them listed above? or am I supposed to go to therapy so I won't have nothing to "whine" and "complain" about regarding bullshit I never ask to deal with whether internally or externally……..
i remember someone on this site saying "therapy doesnt teach you to heal, it teaches you to be content with past and ongoing trauma" and that makes sense. in this world you are just a cog, and a cog with too many emotions can disrupt the whole billionare making machine.
idc whatever buzzwords Im called at this point to disparage whatever "character" I have left. i already know im a bum, i know im selfish, i know im too sheltered, i know im clueless etc etc etc
id be a liar to say i would like to fix any of these things. i dont. im content with dying a loser, a weakling, a shell of a person, dying poor, a defenseless man….im content with the fact that I will never love myself until the moment I take my last breath. thats when i will truly love myself…..when im finally dead.
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