There is only suffering left

[Terrible_Life_99]

Hey everyone, I wanted to share with you what hell I'm going through at the moment. From the moment when I wake my ocd is terrorizing me until the day ends. Nothing is enjoyable. The whole day is filled with suicide. I think about what things I still need to test for my suicide and like 1000x I go through the whole process of my suicide day. How I'll manage to have the house for me alone, how I'll step from the ladder etc.
I can't sleep well anymore and this destroys my brain much more. At home I feel stressed by family members , I have no friends , completely isolated whole day at home. I just want to die but I'm still so afraid of it. Whenever I look at this woodbeam when I'm alone or whenever I put the rope on and press it until I nearly become unconscious it terrifies me. Also it makes me very sad the fact that so many great aspects of life will always be a mystery for me , a closed door that I was never able to open. I need to die I have to end this, my suffering is very terrible but its still so difficult to do it. I think about my poor mother and little brother who is neurobiological ill, how they will suffer, agghh why was I born, couldn't the nurse just throw me on the ground and I'd never have to live this miserable existence, filled with suffering, failing, isolation, mental ill, problems everywhere, difficult family, stress in school and so much more…

 

[enjoytheride]

Hey everyone, I wanted to share with you what hell I'm going through at the moment. From the moment when I wake my ocd is terrorizing me until the day ends. Nothing is enjoyable. The whole day is filled with suicide. I think about what things I still need to test for my suicide and like 1000x I go through the whole process of my suicide day. How I'll manage to have the house for me alone, how I'll step from the ladder etc.
I can't sleep well anymore and this destroys my brain much more. At home I feel stressed by family members , I have no friends , completely isolated whole day at home. I just want to die but I'm still so afraid of it. Whenever I look at this woodbeam when I'm alone or whenever I put the rope on and press it until I nearly become unconscious it terrifies me. Also it makes me very sad the fact that so many great aspects of life will always be a mystery for me , a closed door that I was never able to open. I need to die I have to end this, my suffering is very terrible but its still so difficult to do it. I think about my poor mother and little brother who is neurobiological ill, how they will suffer, agghh why was I born, couldn't the nurse just throw me on the ground and I'd never have to live this miserable existence, filled with suffering, failing, isolation, mental ill, problems everywhere, difficult family, stress in school and so much more…

Dear friend, I am very sorry for what you are going through. If you need to talk to someone, please message me.

I can understand you dilemma - on the one hand, you have your mother and little brother that need you and will miss you dearly. Their lives will only get worse if you CTB. On the other hand, you are so fed up (like I am at times throughout the day), that you don't see a point in carrying on.

I've reflected on this for a long time. My suicidal ideations have been here for quite some time - at least 5 years. What I've done is try to learn to live with the pain and look forward as much as I can. It turns out CTB is not any easier than giving life a try (or several tries), otherwise I would have CTB by now. So for the time being, I would rather give life a few more tries (maybe as many as necessary or as many as I am truly able to withstand). You've got the ticket for the show anyway, right? Might just stick around and see what happens.

If what you are going through is the result of a series of mishaps in recent times + a feeling of lack of strength, chances are it will pass. Nothing stays the same for long. If you are very young (as I suspect), over time you will acquire life experience that will help you be better able to face adversities.

Have you talked about this with your mother (maybe in an indirect way)? Also, have you thought about what can be done to improve things around you - for instance, changing town, applying for a job abroad, enrolling in a course, joining a club where you could meet people who share the same interests?

If you have the time, please have a look at this short e-book: https://qprinstitute.com/pdfs/Forever_Decision.pdf

Don't forget you have an inherent value as a human being, which is independent of what others think or how they treat you. It's so easy to forget this.

Kind regards

 

[Terrible_Life_99]

Dear friend, I am very sorry for what you are going through. If you need to talk to someone, please message me.

I can understand you dilemma - on the one hand, you have your mother and little brother that need you and will miss you dearly. Their lives will only get worse if you CTB. On the other hand, you are so fed up (like I am at times throughout the day), that you don't see a point in carrying on.

I've reflected on this for a long time. My suicidal ideations have been here for quite some time - at least 5 years. What I've done is try to learn to live with the pain and look forward as much as I can. It turns out CTB is not any easier than giving life a try (or several tries), otherwise I would have CTB by now. So for the time being, I would rather give life a few more tries (maybe as many as necessary or as many as I am truly able to withstand). You've got the ticket for the show anyway, right? Might just stick around and see what happens.

If what you are going through is the result of a series of mishaps in recent times + a feeling of lack of strength, chances are it will pass. Nothing stays the same for long. If you are very young (as I suspect), over time you will acquire life experience that will help you be better able to face adversities.

Have you talked about this with your mother (maybe in an indirect way)? Also, have you thought about what can be done to improve things around you - for instance, changing town, applying for a job abroad, enrolling in a course, joining a club where you could meet people who share the same interests?

If you have the time, please have a look at this short e-book: https://qprinstitute.com/pdfs/Forever_Decision.pdf

Don't forget you have an inherent value as a human being, which is independent of what others think or how they treat you. It's so easy to forget this.

Kind regards

Thank you for your kind answer. I am 25 and my pain is omnipresent, the last time I really tried to fight against this misery was in 2023 when I applied for a job. I was motivated and hopeful after all the pain I had before but then boom after just 1 month fired. At work I still had to fight against my ocd, people would judge me wrong picture from me thinking I'm arrogant although I wasn't. I had difficulties with the fights at the same time: my mental illnesses and also the job. The job was actually easy but the everything around punctuality, being there for 10 hours etc made it impossible. Ever since I gave up. I said I'm a peace of shit that can't archive anything it's always the same fucking circle in all aspects: career, friendships, relationships, sports everything. And thats why I want to and I have to end this unnecessary life. I don't have anything function I'm just here suffering. Its the massive damages I got throughout my childhood that set the path for a terrible life where I will always be an un useful peace of shit who will never be part of society who will never feel accepted or as being part of anything as if I'd be a foreigner everywhere.

 

[enjoytheride]

You are most welcome! You are certainly not a bad person, even if judging by your concern for your family. That speaks a lot about your personality. Also, the fact that you would rather leave a job than fight with others, that means you are not an aggressive person. So I would disagree with the low self-evaluation you have. You got to show yourself some kindness and empathy. We often forget to afford ourselves the kindness we afford to others. We are simply human - no superheroes in real life. We stumble, we fall to the ground, we get up, stumble, until we start walking.

After years of working non-stop, I left my job to start teaching IT in a public school - it was my dream. In February 2025 I was bullied by two senior teachers for 2 weeks at the school, starting on day 1. I left the job and have been unemployed since then. The experience crushed me and made me believe I am trash. But hey, why would I be? Why would you be?

Have we made anyone quit their job due to bullying? No. We are not like that, that's why thinking that we are trash has no solid ground.

Not having a job makes me trash? Well, most people at some point in their lives don't have a job. Many of them for a long period of time. It isn't like one can go and pick a job on a tree. So again, more compassion is needed and if others can't show it to us, we must do it first and foremost.

On the practical side, have you considered starting a part-time job? It won't that many hours and will then give you enough time to recover emotionally and physically. I know we are very low on energy, so this could be a good start. It would also be a chance to perhaps meet people who are well-intentioned. Statistically speaking, there are such people out there for sure.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really torturous what you go through, it's just so cruel and dreadful to me how there's all this suffering in existing with no limit as to how much one can suffer, I hope you find peace.