I was created as a political prop in the most irresponsible manner imaginable. I never truly connected with anyone 100% despite trying to reflect the dominant culture I was drop shipped into. I never had solid friends. I failed in school and sports. I have existed as a decaying waste of space for decades now.
Just that alone makes me miserable but I have been depressed, anxious and suicidal from age 9. The cumulative sense of failure and alienation is becoming more and more unsettling despite my ongoing efforts to get myself comfortable with it and the final self-effacement it will lead to. I can never be happy. I can try to fake it. I can descend into a small state of mind and feel good about something like a video game or food. But true satisfaction? Genuine joy? Security of contentment? It's never happened and it never will.
I guess I don't care much about anything anymore but I wish I had no memories of my past. I will I just woke up (if I had to) as a total amnesiac.
Soon I'll be dead and no one will really care much. I just wish I had never even happened. I hate myself for all my weaknesses and deficiencies. In a better world I'd be put down peacefully in my sleep without even my foreknowledge. But this world is horrible.
I have less and less to say with every day that goes by. It's just that nothing matters the way it did when I was younger and I retired my mind long ago without even realizing it. Eventually it became a self-conscious decision.
All I really hope for now is a peaceful death.
Remember that we all suffered. Humanity is evil but while it's pretending not to be it must find a way to stop the suffering. Otherwise I hope this world and everything in it will be annihilated asap.
Just that alone makes me miserable but I have been depressed, anxious and suicidal from age 9. The cumulative sense of failure and alienation is becoming more and more unsettling despite my ongoing efforts to get myself comfortable with it and the final self-effacement it will lead to. I can never be happy. I can try to fake it. I can descend into a small state of mind and feel good about something like a video game or food. But true satisfaction? Genuine joy? Security of contentment? It's never happened and it never will.
I guess I don't care much about anything anymore but I wish I had no memories of my past. I will I just woke up (if I had to) as a total amnesiac.
Soon I'll be dead and no one will really care much. I just wish I had never even happened. I hate myself for all my weaknesses and deficiencies. In a better world I'd be put down peacefully in my sleep without even my foreknowledge. But this world is horrible.
I have less and less to say with every day that goes by. It's just that nothing matters the way it did when I was younger and I retired my mind long ago without even realizing it. Eventually it became a self-conscious decision.
All I really hope for now is a peaceful death.
Remember that we all suffered. Humanity is evil but while it's pretending not to be it must find a way to stop the suffering. Otherwise I hope this world and everything in it will be annihilated asap.
