Help Therapy help + vent

[abysss.s]

Although I feel locked in on CTB within the next couple months (two or less), most of me does not want to die. I feel I have to, because I cant seem to change myself. Every week I get more thoughts of "I dont need to plan, I cant wait, I just need to go now", and on the other hand I also get more calm thoughts of locking in, researching for CTB, planning.
I have been to therapy before, a handful of times. Im 21 now, the first time I went I was probably 9-10. My mother found I was selfharming and said I either had to talk with her or go to therapy, so I reluctantly went. I had to go a couple years later for a custody battle. Go to a therapist, tell them about my father, therapist testifies in court on my behalf. A couple years after that I tried some random therapists on my own behalf (I think?) as an older teen, ages 15-16. I went through 1-3 therapists I think, got put on sleep + depression medication. I stopped going around age 17 though. Around 18-19 I went to one to two therapy sessions with another random therapist to get a letter to be prescribed testosterone, at the time I thought that was the path I wanted to take with myself.
Im 21 now and havent been to therapy since. I dont remeber any real memories with these therapists, just feelings. Not wanting to be there, not knowing what to say, not feeling like therapy could help.

Long story short, I want help now. I tell myself Im just selfish, just lazy, just an abuser, that I just dont self reflect enough, feel enough guilt, want to learn and live enough. That if I just set my mind to it I could be at peace with myself eventually. I cant seem to set my mind to it.

Im aware this has probably been asked here, the internet, many places before many times. People of SASU, whatre your experiences, thoughts, opinions on therapy? Also, any advice on how I can get in with a local insurance covered therapist asap? I know its probably just a couple steps, but a few peoples first hand accounts on how they setup therapy and how it went would go miles for helping + motivating me to do it.

Im nervous about spilling my guts to a random stranger, all to have it go wrong. Them say I cant help you, a bad therapist/bad practices, ect. For so many reasons Im scared, but I tell myself if I plan on CTB anyways what could I have to loose with therapy?

 

[fedup1982]

You've been through an awful lot. Well done for getting this far!

Abusers don't do the kind of self reflection you're doing normally, so I think you really need to give yourself a break.

With therapists, its all about compatibility in my opinion. If you don't feel comfortable opening up with one, you don't have to. If so, just find another one, maybe their personality or techniques will be better for you. Exactly, you've got nothing to lose, everything to gain. Honestly don't worry if one therapist doesn't work out, there are plenty more!

 

[bluebook]

I've had similar experiences in therapy. A good friend is 10,000 times better than any therapist.

 

[lost_one]

My genuine opinion is that it isn't as useful as people make it out to be. I have been to four different therapists, since I am not rich they were all kind of cheap therapists, AKA usually recently graduated. So maybe not the best ones to deal with someone wih such deep rooted depression. I like it mostly cause I am lonely and I like having someone to talk to. But it hasn't helped me much. I tried psychanalysis didn't like it, I am not on CBT but don't love it either.

I honestly think therapy isn't for everyone, and there are therapists and threapists, some better than others, and there is the whole finding one the fit you personally.

So bottom line, it's harder than people think, but with effort it can help.

It's good you are willing to try, I hope you can find something that helps you manage your depression or just your struggles. Good Luck.

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

I understand your hesitancy about therapy. As others have said it often is an issue of finding a person that you feel comfortable with. Many therapists offer a free consultation. Before I found my therapist I went through several, sometimes not more than the consultation. Therapy is a huge umbrella. It includes many different modalities and approach.

In regards to finding one, I have had a lot of luck with psychologytoday.com. You are able to filter your search according to focuses and insurance they take. I'm not sure, but this may be just for the US. I liked this as I could read their bios and get a general idea of their approach and focus. Being able to do this before meeting has made me feel more comfortable. Not going in blind makes a big difference.

Good luck, OP. I hope that you're able to find a way to pass the time you have here with a little more ease.