fungus
New Member
- Sep 5, 2025
- 2
I just feel trapped in my life. I can't CTB because my parents would really suffer from it, but I also just don't want to live.
I had one attempt that failed because I backed out, and I ended up in a mental hospital, but since then, nothing has changed. I mean, I go to therapy, but it just does not work for me and sometimes makes things worse.
I am almost jealous of people who don't have anyone they would feel guilty about leaving behind.
Sometimes I even wish my family would just die, so I'd be relieved of this guilt. I'm not proud of that thought, but pretending to be fine all day and being pressured to perform well, to do good, when all I want to do is break down, is horrible.
If my parents were at least terrible people, I could hate them, but they try their best. It's not enough to fix my relationship with them or make me feel free and loved, but it is enough to give me this unbearable guilt whenever I think about how much I want to die.
There is nothing I can do to relieve this pressure.
My therapist expects me not to do anything self destructive, my parents expect me to be happy or else they become overly worried, and my own anxiety keeps me locked in the same repetitive behavior and mindset. So I smile all the time and just do all the things I don't want to do. But sometimes it just feels like torture. always forcing myself out of my comfort zone and ignoring my own feelings.
But it's not as if people really care. I tell them things are hard for me, and they just tell me to suck it up and try harder, or they say they're there for me, but in ghe end aren't.
I really want to escape, but there is no direction to go. I'm not able to CTB, I can't move forward and do better, and I can't even avoid things without getting into more trouble. Sometimes I just want to crash out. do anything to get out of this miserable position.
How the fuck can my parents have such a big hold on me? I'm an adult, I should finally be free. But I am just not. They aren't even abusive, but the twisted emotional feelings in my relationship with them are enough to put me through all this torture and keep me in chains. I love them too much to CTB and feel too distant to talk to them.
I hate them sometimes, and I hate myself for hating them.
I had one attempt that failed because I backed out, and I ended up in a mental hospital, but since then, nothing has changed. I mean, I go to therapy, but it just does not work for me and sometimes makes things worse.
I am almost jealous of people who don't have anyone they would feel guilty about leaving behind.
Sometimes I even wish my family would just die, so I'd be relieved of this guilt. I'm not proud of that thought, but pretending to be fine all day and being pressured to perform well, to do good, when all I want to do is break down, is horrible.
If my parents were at least terrible people, I could hate them, but they try their best. It's not enough to fix my relationship with them or make me feel free and loved, but it is enough to give me this unbearable guilt whenever I think about how much I want to die.
There is nothing I can do to relieve this pressure.
My therapist expects me not to do anything self destructive, my parents expect me to be happy or else they become overly worried, and my own anxiety keeps me locked in the same repetitive behavior and mindset. So I smile all the time and just do all the things I don't want to do. But sometimes it just feels like torture. always forcing myself out of my comfort zone and ignoring my own feelings.
But it's not as if people really care. I tell them things are hard for me, and they just tell me to suck it up and try harder, or they say they're there for me, but in ghe end aren't.
I really want to escape, but there is no direction to go. I'm not able to CTB, I can't move forward and do better, and I can't even avoid things without getting into more trouble. Sometimes I just want to crash out. do anything to get out of this miserable position.
How the fuck can my parents have such a big hold on me? I'm an adult, I should finally be free. But I am just not. They aren't even abusive, but the twisted emotional feelings in my relationship with them are enough to put me through all this torture and keep me in chains. I love them too much to CTB and feel too distant to talk to them.
I hate them sometimes, and I hate myself for hating them.
