tw: weight issues
ALL OVER the world, ALL OVER the internet, at least in every fucking western country, we are taught from the earliest age possible: "HELP IS ALWAYS AVAILABLE". endless mental health advertisements: "HELP IS ALWAYS AVAILABLE".
"HELP IS ALWAYS AVAILABLE" - ONLY if you fit into their specific mold. the problem is that the "help" that is available simply does not work for everyone.
all of this shit makes you completely unprepared for facing actual helplessness.
ive been rejected by every fucking doctor and support group thats available near me. other than that, its just constant, endless medication experimentation. yes, theres an endless amount of things to try, but i am so fucking tired of trying. and most "help" requires you to be functional enough to put on the work into it yourself.
there IS so much i would like to do in this life-multiple forms of art, and much more. even just playing the right video games with the right people gives me a lot of joy. but being functional enough to go out to find those people and play with them, and then actually finding anyone is just too fucking impossible. and what if i find a friend and we exchange our contact information? ill still be too fucking dysfunctional to be able to do anything for my life to go anywhere. ive had countless different contacts. i have a fucking partner who is obsessed with me, but Im not into them. just nothing helps. ive been doing this shit for close to two decades.
im just endlessly suffering, and im tired, and i just want to die. but im unable to even think of how i would do it. it seems way too scary, even if it wasnt painful. i am so fucking stuck. i cant live or die. its been like this forever. literal "hell". the only thing im able to do consistently at this point is BINGE. and im just slowly gaining weight. slowly destroying my health and body, as im too afraid to eat proper food on top of the binging.
theres also no such thing as "when youre at the bottom, the only way is up". theres an endless amount of ways things can keep going wrong, and the actual "bottom" is death. its hard for me to imagine being worse than this, but in reality theres so many things that would make it worse, such as being stuck in an overweight body.
i fucking NEED to kill myself. but how the fuck do i do it? "just get drunk, do drugs" etc, i just fucking cant.
and another issue is that due to trauma, hospitalization isnt an option for me. which is why i cant be fully truthful to the doctors. they do know that im hopeless though. they know it so well that one doctor literally stopped responding, and month later when i spammed calls to them and they finally answered, they told me that they literally dont know what to say, which is why they stopped responding.
and so when life is literal hell, youve tried your best for most of your life, nothing is working, everyone admits they dont know what to do, why the fuck isnt assisted suicide an option? theyre only trying to ban it in other countries.
but what the fuck do i do, please fucking help me. im about to go and buy more junk food to binge on. fucking help me.
ALL OVER the world, ALL OVER the internet, at least in every fucking western country, we are taught from the earliest age possible: "HELP IS ALWAYS AVAILABLE". endless mental health advertisements: "HELP IS ALWAYS AVAILABLE".
"HELP IS ALWAYS AVAILABLE" - ONLY if you fit into their specific mold. the problem is that the "help" that is available simply does not work for everyone.
all of this shit makes you completely unprepared for facing actual helplessness.
ive been rejected by every fucking doctor and support group thats available near me. other than that, its just constant, endless medication experimentation. yes, theres an endless amount of things to try, but i am so fucking tired of trying. and most "help" requires you to be functional enough to put on the work into it yourself.
there IS so much i would like to do in this life-multiple forms of art, and much more. even just playing the right video games with the right people gives me a lot of joy. but being functional enough to go out to find those people and play with them, and then actually finding anyone is just too fucking impossible. and what if i find a friend and we exchange our contact information? ill still be too fucking dysfunctional to be able to do anything for my life to go anywhere. ive had countless different contacts. i have a fucking partner who is obsessed with me, but Im not into them. just nothing helps. ive been doing this shit for close to two decades.
im just endlessly suffering, and im tired, and i just want to die. but im unable to even think of how i would do it. it seems way too scary, even if it wasnt painful. i am so fucking stuck. i cant live or die. its been like this forever. literal "hell". the only thing im able to do consistently at this point is BINGE. and im just slowly gaining weight. slowly destroying my health and body, as im too afraid to eat proper food on top of the binging.
theres also no such thing as "when youre at the bottom, the only way is up". theres an endless amount of ways things can keep going wrong, and the actual "bottom" is death. its hard for me to imagine being worse than this, but in reality theres so many things that would make it worse, such as being stuck in an overweight body.
i fucking NEED to kill myself. but how the fuck do i do it? "just get drunk, do drugs" etc, i just fucking cant.
and another issue is that due to trauma, hospitalization isnt an option for me. which is why i cant be fully truthful to the doctors. they do know that im hopeless though. they know it so well that one doctor literally stopped responding, and month later when i spammed calls to them and they finally answered, they told me that they literally dont know what to say, which is why they stopped responding.
and so when life is literal hell, youve tried your best for most of your life, nothing is working, everyone admits they dont know what to do, why the fuck isnt assisted suicide an option? theyre only trying to ban it in other countries.
but what the fuck do i do, please fucking help me. im about to go and buy more junk food to binge on. fucking help me.
moreso the void between 'I feel like I'm not good right now (out of hours)' but 'ok I can hold until tomorrow if I reeeeeally have to' which then sets off 'I could hold on last night so why can't I 'just hold on' the rest of the time - its me not trying hard enough'. Exacerbated (for me) by zero self worth meaning I'd hate to be using up limited 'urgent' resources that could actually be beneficial to someone else.
