clown_17
Almost gone, it almost worked
- Oct 24, 2020
- 288
I'm in a bad place today so I'm reminiscing on this attempt. The closest I ever got to success.
I don't remember much except it was February and I had a lot of stress at the time. I just kind of snapped at a point and started dissociating. I had been wanting suicide for a long time but I have never made the move to actually do something (other than a few pathetic cuts to my wrist). I just found myself moving automatically to the closet. No fear at all. I took a braided belt. I had learned about partial a few days before hand. I had a rack in my closet with a bar positioned up the wall. It was perfect so that I could do partial with the belts full length and it also made it so when I angled a certain way it would knock me out straight. So I tired it up and got under. I remember feeling very odd. Like suddenly I was trapped basically chained to the closet. It was a weird feeling like being an animal in a cage. But I knew I couldn't stand to untie myself and go on so I, on my knees, decided to see what would happen. After a few seconds my legs and arms felt tingly and heavy and my neck felt like it would explode. I also noticed the belt had untied cause suddenly the pressure came off. I tied it much tighter this time.
I got my music playing and now had a reference point. I knew how this would feel so I wouldn't pull away this time (I had been thinking of pulling away last time, I was scared it would start to hurt more) My song started playing and I suddenly felt my mind go blank. Time passed at a strange rate. Eventually my vision turned to black but I was so far gone I didn't really notice. I couldn't hear the song anymore. And that could've been it. It wasn't that painful even. Ir was bliss. Suddenly I wake up confused. I'm not hanging anymore, where am I? There's carpet in my face and that's how I realize I must be lying on the floor. And I feel the strongest wave of defeat ever. I feel for the snapped belt in my hands. Confused, I check to see my music and notice the song ended. I was out for a few minutes. Although I obviously wasn't going to die right there, I believe that if that belt hadn't snapped I would've been down. I was unconscious then and there was no way I would've been able to get myself out. After that I had a rope burn on my neck and this unbearable suffocation feeling on my throat for the next few hours. My memory would slip often.
I've tried suspension before and haven't gotten that success so I believe it was a combination of luck and using the right belt. If only it worked. Could've spared myself so much bullshit. I'd love to attempt with partial cause it's very peaceful and relaxing but I can't find the spot again so it isn't an option. There's also no way I couldnt complete it any day but that day (house was empty) because that closet wasn't in my room of the house, since it was in the hall and I couldn't stay there long enough to get the job done.
I have settled on SN as my method because it's so hard to get partial right. It was practically embarrassing at a point trying to hang myself for the 5th time only to kneel there awardly, very much so awake. And while I've settled on sn I am still scared. It doesn't seem peaceful like partial, not with the vomiting and that struggling the breathe. And I guess I like the gamble of partial. You don't have to really commit to dying because it's only a maybe shot and that gets rid of the SI for me. SN I know would kill me in one dose and so I just can't get over that mental barrier. I'm working on it though. One day at a time.
I don't remember much except it was February and I had a lot of stress at the time. I just kind of snapped at a point and started dissociating. I had been wanting suicide for a long time but I have never made the move to actually do something (other than a few pathetic cuts to my wrist). I just found myself moving automatically to the closet. No fear at all. I took a braided belt. I had learned about partial a few days before hand. I had a rack in my closet with a bar positioned up the wall. It was perfect so that I could do partial with the belts full length and it also made it so when I angled a certain way it would knock me out straight. So I tired it up and got under. I remember feeling very odd. Like suddenly I was trapped basically chained to the closet. It was a weird feeling like being an animal in a cage. But I knew I couldn't stand to untie myself and go on so I, on my knees, decided to see what would happen. After a few seconds my legs and arms felt tingly and heavy and my neck felt like it would explode. I also noticed the belt had untied cause suddenly the pressure came off. I tied it much tighter this time.
I got my music playing and now had a reference point. I knew how this would feel so I wouldn't pull away this time (I had been thinking of pulling away last time, I was scared it would start to hurt more) My song started playing and I suddenly felt my mind go blank. Time passed at a strange rate. Eventually my vision turned to black but I was so far gone I didn't really notice. I couldn't hear the song anymore. And that could've been it. It wasn't that painful even. Ir was bliss. Suddenly I wake up confused. I'm not hanging anymore, where am I? There's carpet in my face and that's how I realize I must be lying on the floor. And I feel the strongest wave of defeat ever. I feel for the snapped belt in my hands. Confused, I check to see my music and notice the song ended. I was out for a few minutes. Although I obviously wasn't going to die right there, I believe that if that belt hadn't snapped I would've been down. I was unconscious then and there was no way I would've been able to get myself out. After that I had a rope burn on my neck and this unbearable suffocation feeling on my throat for the next few hours. My memory would slip often.
I've tried suspension before and haven't gotten that success so I believe it was a combination of luck and using the right belt. If only it worked. Could've spared myself so much bullshit. I'd love to attempt with partial cause it's very peaceful and relaxing but I can't find the spot again so it isn't an option. There's also no way I couldnt complete it any day but that day (house was empty) because that closet wasn't in my room of the house, since it was in the hall and I couldn't stay there long enough to get the job done.
I have settled on SN as my method because it's so hard to get partial right. It was practically embarrassing at a point trying to hang myself for the 5th time only to kneel there awardly, very much so awake. And while I've settled on sn I am still scared. It doesn't seem peaceful like partial, not with the vomiting and that struggling the breathe. And I guess I like the gamble of partial. You don't have to really commit to dying because it's only a maybe shot and that gets rid of the SI for me. SN I know would kill me in one dose and so I just can't get over that mental barrier. I'm working on it though. One day at a time.
