CravingPeace
It’s only a matter of time
- Feb 19, 2025
- 338
I keep attending therapy on a weekly basis. Everything is tied to my psychotic episode where I was extremely spiritually connected and was on the verge of "capital T Truth" as my therapist put it, but it was of course mixed with the danger and recklessness of mania.
I told him, that spirituality feels like water behind a dam. Ideally, the dam would be slightly open, allowing for me to splash and play in the water without fear of harm. Psychedelics provided this experience. Psychosis was like the dam was fully open - water gushing out and drowning me. And now the dam is locked shut because I clearly don't know how to regulate the dam's mechanisms.
There are days where I experience moments of joy and a flow state. But regardless of the day-to-day, I am more drawn to the idea of CTB and ending my suffering. Even when things aren't too bad, I yearn for death because I know that I will have ZERO suffering then. I want permanent, pure bliss, pure peace.
I'm slowly realizing that no amount of "recovery" can provide this. Anything I do to "better" my life will still come with the ups and downs. Nothing I or anyone else can do in this material realm can create a permanent sense of peace. Knowing this, I think, is like crossing the rubicon - the point of no return.
The only answer is to CTB.
I told him, that spirituality feels like water behind a dam. Ideally, the dam would be slightly open, allowing for me to splash and play in the water without fear of harm. Psychedelics provided this experience. Psychosis was like the dam was fully open - water gushing out and drowning me. And now the dam is locked shut because I clearly don't know how to regulate the dam's mechanisms.
There are days where I experience moments of joy and a flow state. But regardless of the day-to-day, I am more drawn to the idea of CTB and ending my suffering. Even when things aren't too bad, I yearn for death because I know that I will have ZERO suffering then. I want permanent, pure bliss, pure peace.
I'm slowly realizing that no amount of "recovery" can provide this. Anything I do to "better" my life will still come with the ups and downs. Nothing I or anyone else can do in this material realm can create a permanent sense of peace. Knowing this, I think, is like crossing the rubicon - the point of no return.
The only answer is to CTB.
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