Tord
Experienced
- Jun 11, 2025
- 212
Greetings,
I'm still here. I've been reflecting on my life since I've been planning to ctb hopefully soon. A lot of things actually make sort of sense when you HONESTLY reflect, after years. Who would have thought right? Lol.
So I suppose I will just write about my thoughts on the matter mentioned in the thread title right here - I'm talking to myself. No pressure to must-read/reply this thread if you were just browsing.
The question is, which way, ignorant bliss or being actively aware of your suffering? As melodramatic as that may just have sounded, I couldn't put it better than that.
I have been dealing with performance pressure, severe perfectionism, and being really stubborn my entire life. But recently all of these flaws have very suddenly become very ''pronounced'', (my apologies that I have no better word for it).
I am very tired of running after myself - running after my perfectionism, running after living up to my own standards. Running after standards I cannot even live up to because I am physically sick, which causes a cycle that makes my flaws spiral into becoming worse and worse now.
All these self doubts seem to push themselves aside when I consume drugs. Of course, we all know this is no way to fix any problem and I do not support drug usage for others. But I've lost that hope for myself the moment I stepped into the hell that is addiction, because I would give anything on this planet to feel. AT LEAST MENTALLY, ''normal''.
...Again, don't do that.
This and other mental physical issues (that I personally don't see as fitting to be talked about in this thread) of the past decades I've been alive for. I truly no longer see a reason to not catch the bus. I kind of wish that something like this were the only problem I had, at all.
I closed and quit my positions that were fueling the entire cycle now. I hope I can ctb with one less worry while alive, that way.
Regards
I'm still here. I've been reflecting on my life since I've been planning to ctb hopefully soon. A lot of things actually make sort of sense when you HONESTLY reflect, after years. Who would have thought right? Lol.
So I suppose I will just write about my thoughts on the matter mentioned in the thread title right here - I'm talking to myself. No pressure to must-read/reply this thread if you were just browsing.
The question is, which way, ignorant bliss or being actively aware of your suffering? As melodramatic as that may just have sounded, I couldn't put it better than that.
I have been dealing with performance pressure, severe perfectionism, and being really stubborn my entire life. But recently all of these flaws have very suddenly become very ''pronounced'', (my apologies that I have no better word for it).
I am very tired of running after myself - running after my perfectionism, running after living up to my own standards. Running after standards I cannot even live up to because I am physically sick, which causes a cycle that makes my flaws spiral into becoming worse and worse now.
All these self doubts seem to push themselves aside when I consume drugs. Of course, we all know this is no way to fix any problem and I do not support drug usage for others. But I've lost that hope for myself the moment I stepped into the hell that is addiction, because I would give anything on this planet to feel. AT LEAST MENTALLY, ''normal''.
...Again, don't do that.
This and other mental physical issues (that I personally don't see as fitting to be talked about in this thread) of the past decades I've been alive for. I truly no longer see a reason to not catch the bus. I kind of wish that something like this were the only problem I had, at all.
I closed and quit my positions that were fueling the entire cycle now. I hope I can ctb with one less worry while alive, that way.
Regards
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