arslongavitabrevis
Hermit
- Feb 11, 2020
- 15
Hello,
I'm new here but have been circling the drain for some time now.
Posting this to vent or try to make some sense of the most illogical experiences.
I feel like i'm in a constant cycle of pain-grief-apathy. Very fucked up childhood/adolescence and adulthood which has left me with CPTSD and major depression. I can't hold on to happiness, never have been able to. I can see the shape of it but I can't really touch it.. I know it only has one foot in the room. As do I, I guess.
I want to make music. The only thought that keeps me somewhat buoyant is that I will make this one record, capture all the horror that's in my mind and soul and then I can die. But, I don't believe in the work as I can't hold on to any positive though for long. Everything is shit eventually. I'm shit at the only thing I feel might be my purpose.
My family has been through a lot of grief and pain. Losing me would be shit on them. But, me staying for however long in prolonged pain isn't fair either.
So, I'm looking for a way to disappear. I have commitments/performances for a few more weeks and I'm thinking I'll save my fee's, find some remote part of this cold rock, book a hotel and off myself there. There are so many treacherous mountains that I could die of exposure on. Or bodies of water I could offer myself to. I don't want to be found by anyone I know.
I'm new here but have been circling the drain for some time now.
Posting this to vent or try to make some sense of the most illogical experiences.
I feel like i'm in a constant cycle of pain-grief-apathy. Very fucked up childhood/adolescence and adulthood which has left me with CPTSD and major depression. I can't hold on to happiness, never have been able to. I can see the shape of it but I can't really touch it.. I know it only has one foot in the room. As do I, I guess.
I want to make music. The only thought that keeps me somewhat buoyant is that I will make this one record, capture all the horror that's in my mind and soul and then I can die. But, I don't believe in the work as I can't hold on to any positive though for long. Everything is shit eventually. I'm shit at the only thing I feel might be my purpose.
My family has been through a lot of grief and pain. Losing me would be shit on them. But, me staying for however long in prolonged pain isn't fair either.
So, I'm looking for a way to disappear. I have commitments/performances for a few more weeks and I'm thinking I'll save my fee's, find some remote part of this cold rock, book a hotel and off myself there. There are so many treacherous mountains that I could die of exposure on. Or bodies of water I could offer myself to. I don't want to be found by anyone I know.
