Well... here I am. I've stumbled across this website just like you all have. I've been suicidal since a very young age. I've always had the overwhelming desire to leave this place when life becomes unbearable. It never goes away, but life is a roller coaster. I've attempted several times, not even really knowing what I was doing. Thinking that if I bled enough or swallowed enough medication that I'd somehow manage to succeed. Never that simple.
I've dealt most of my pain to myself. I'm incapable of listening to my inner voice. I've always wanted to take care of everyone else, no matter what kind of struggle I'd be taking on in the process. I've tried being myself and showing all of my flaws... not acceptable. I've tried being someone else and finding a proper time to discuss flaws... never happened that way. No matter what kind of intentions I had, I somehow ended up being the one looking like a fool. I've tried going back to what's familiar, no matter how bad it is for me. Figured I could trade that for the fact that everything was simple and already out in the open. Just causes more damage. And then there's the gamble. Be who you want to be, and see how long it lasts before it's stripped away. Only this time I've managed to break my own heart. Thinking that I'd maintained control the entire time and I hadn't. Thinking I'd find the convenient time to put on the brakes and that time never came. And yes, here we are. Life is now at the bottom of that roller coaster and I'm feeling that overwhelming need to evacuate. It'll go back up again but it never stays that way for long. I'm in no hurry. But I think I'll do something different this time. I think I'll plan and prepare. Because I truly have no desire to remain in this world any longer.
I've dealt most of my pain to myself. I'm incapable of listening to my inner voice. I've always wanted to take care of everyone else, no matter what kind of struggle I'd be taking on in the process. I've tried being myself and showing all of my flaws... not acceptable. I've tried being someone else and finding a proper time to discuss flaws... never happened that way. No matter what kind of intentions I had, I somehow ended up being the one looking like a fool. I've tried going back to what's familiar, no matter how bad it is for me. Figured I could trade that for the fact that everything was simple and already out in the open. Just causes more damage. And then there's the gamble. Be who you want to be, and see how long it lasts before it's stripped away. Only this time I've managed to break my own heart. Thinking that I'd maintained control the entire time and I hadn't. Thinking I'd find the convenient time to put on the brakes and that time never came. And yes, here we are. Life is now at the bottom of that roller coaster and I'm feeling that overwhelming need to evacuate. It'll go back up again but it never stays that way for long. I'm in no hurry. But I think I'll do something different this time. I think I'll plan and prepare. Because I truly have no desire to remain in this world any longer.
