Venting the guilt i have

[savethesememories]

my plan has always been to hang myself, after learning cutting the arms just isn't a viable option for actually dying. i have a loving girlfriend, career hope, a loving mom, i have so many reasons to get over it. but despite how happy i'm supposed to be, i still want to kill myself. (i've been in mental health care from childhood, DXed MDD) i'm on antidepressants, does it just not end? i wish i was happy. i wish i knew how to be happy. i feel so horrible

 

[_Maya]

Sadly, depression/suicidal thoughts don't go away immediately after things get better.
I still sometimes feel the urge to just impulsively ctb, and i still hate my life despite how good it is. But just looking at the recovery board its clear that its possible for me to become happy.
How or when? I don't know, everyone's recovery is different. But it is very clear to me that you have a chance to get better, you just have to wait. even if it hurts to do so.