The fear of recovery

[pinstripe]

I dread recovering because the bad things that have happened and continue to happen are so devastating and painful. I can mitigate the pain by always keeping a foot on the edge. I can prevent pain by working over and over, harder and harder, to mitigate it. And I can push people away. Recover to me feels like putting myself in vulnerable positions to be hurt again.

Does anyone else feel that way?

 

[SchizoGymnast]

I feel this way all the time and it's actually common. One psychiatrist on YouTube that I follow actually talks about it in a video about passive SI. And to be honest with you, I don't think it's pathological. I think it's ancestral. It was only very recently in human history when humans DIDN'T live on the edge of death all the time, whether it was from disease, cold exposure, sabre tooth tiger, etc.

 

[_Gollum_]

Yeah. To me recovery feels like surrender.

 

[pinstripe]

I don't like the roller coaster up and down of wanting to recover and then wanting to be done. Gray area feels safest but it's tragic either way.