AnimeSlayersFan
Student
- Jul 18, 2025
- 123
Well, I've come a real way so far in therapy and could figure out that most of my issues are mental,
that I'm afraid to interact with life, and that I'm not "fundamentally broken", that I maybe wasn't even "autistic", but just a weird awkward kid that got bullied for being different, and living in fantasy worlds, while he held on the naive idea that "you turn the other cheek" and other idealistic fantastical ideas of how the world was. This ended up in fucking me up how I am now.
Maybe I was "on the spectrum" in a way, it makes no real difference at the end, even though I thought It was going to.
I'm just a product of well, the things that happened, and how I dealt with them.
That I get depressed because of 2 things:
1. My issues with myself (my lazy fearful way of dealing with things, my maladaptive behaviours), and my own perception and fantasies.
I create a fantasy of a life, of how life will work out for me, and then, when I try to interact with that fantasy, and that doesn't come to fruition, I despair, get angry and then depressed.
Repeat this from 15 years old to 25 years old.
2. I see the outside circumstances of the world and my own situation and I freak out too much, so I spiral and get depressed, and I don't see objective reality.
I now understand myself a lot more, my mental issues are self generated in response of my unfullfilled fantasies.
I can now see objective reality. And the objective reality is that I'm a 25 year old guy that couldn't put it together and suffered a lot due to himself and his fear of life.
He has built no real skills but this english I'm typing here, nor is he good looking (average to ugly, I think I see myself more ugly now), but a short guy with weak and small bone structure and a missing right pec (birth defect), I basically don't have that muscle.
I'm being an economical and emotional burden on my family since the first time that I went into the mental ward, and even before that too, due to my issues at school.
My family "loves me" but is tired of my depressive state and they want me to get better. They get frustrated when I don't even though they try to help me.
I get frustrated at myself at not getting better while not having the patience or discipline to "stick it out" and see if I can get better, then this cycle repeats, leaving me more depressed each time, and the escape fantasy has to grow to make me keep going, at 18 I had some dreams, then, they grew, then they slowly shrinked down with sparks of "wait, if just everything lines up right maybe I can just put myself together and do it!" followed by dissapointment when I end up dropping the thing when it gets hard due to an outside circumstance, or I self sabotage.
My mom especially has been pushing me to "make money and contribute to the house I'm living in" then making multiple threats of kicking me out of the house, but pitying me and forgiving me "just for the time being, as long as I work on my mental health, getting a job and moving out" this is also a cycle where I half try, fail and get depressed, then puffed up with a fantasy hope of "wait up, maybe this time I can do it, if things just line up the right way and I can..." But that doesn't end up sticking for long, and the fantasies have slowly faded away.
I look at the objective world outside of me and my situation, in which I'm just a guy, with a weak body, who wasted a lot of time due to mental issues and fear/laziness, and was never really disciplined.
I look at the outside and job prospects are though, even more for a 25 year old unmotivated self hating depressed guy with no real training, skills, or physical ability or the right body to do hard work.
Hell, even if I wasn't depressed I would be though. But time hasn't shown I'm a disciplined person willing to put a lot of effort in. I could try to change this, but the most likely outcome, is that it's not enough. Just a spark, then a failure again. Even this happens to disciplined people in a recession.
---
The value of the food, housing, and all my psychiatrist medication far outweigh the money I bring home, which is zero, and I have some small debts over a failed english teaching business idea that I had. My account rejected one payment for online hosting (that I never actually used) for insufficient funds.
My mom is trying to build herself a house during this recession with limited money and rising costs in everything while her salary stays the same, and the costs of paying for my grandma's end life care rise. She saw me really down today, a day which I spent on it's entirety, after coming back from therapy, inside my bed, sleeping.
I know that I can puff myself up, get filled up with pills to manage my depression and destroy my body and my mental function, both, while trying and trying to get better.
While hoping for a better future while I endure the pain that the situation brings me, all the while, the economy gets worse, and less and less people are willing to hire me, due to my lack of skill, or hire me at a salary that's not enough to cover my living expenses, and then the economy keeps getting worse.
My inner heroic fantasy of getting better still pops up, and I can feel "moments" of hope, but they just thoughts, illusory things I make up in my mind in order to get me in a better mood.
In real life, I know things don't turn out how they do in my fantasies.
I'm also scared of failing an attempt and the pain of that.
But I think I now see things more logically. I can get all the hyped up that I wanna get inside my imaginary world. But when interacting with the real world, there comes the problem.
If you have 10 candidates for a job, I'm not in the top 5 options. Therefore, I'm really unlikely, I'd say almost impossible to get picked for a job that is enough to support me.
My mom wants to live her life too, she never got to live on her own. I'm a weight that brings nothing back. I just suck the resources of my family. While they help me out of pity and goodwill.
And this situation, for me, is more comfortable than trying to go out, get a job, and put the effort, pain, and suffering of adult life, and so I delay everything.
Again, there's also the evolving state of the world in a direction I don't like.
Some of there are excuses, other things are factual things that just make my life hard. And I don't know if I could or couldn't handle it cause I don't even quite give a "good try".
I don't even know what a "good try" looks like cause this is as far as I got in life.
I don't know if killing myself or an attempt is the "logical choice". But at the same time, I'm not guaranteed the life I wish for just if I "try hard enough", there's a lot of factors outside of my control that influence what happens.
And taking the easy path of not putting in the effort is also, well, easier. And due to my fantasies of how "life should be like" I feel that I'm ENTITLED to the life I wish for IF I put in the effort.
And OH BOY do I get upset when things don't happen the way I want them to.
I also know I would get really upset and sad if I did put the effort in, and I didn't get what I wanted in the end.
This feeling of: ALL OF THIS PAIN, EFFORT AND SUFFERING, FOR NOTHING? This is not what I wanted...
I'm like a child in that way.
I know I can try and do things to try and influence my fate, but that my fate is mostly out of my hands. And that brings me a lot of anger and sadness.
Therefore, I carry the idea of just ending it all, to not have to deal with that bittersweet feeling of real, painful, imperfect life.
I know realize I felt entitled all this time. And that the world doesn't work like that.
And that I am, forever trapped in this situation, like it or not. And that this, this is life. Not the thing I wanted it to be.
And it will always be like this, for as long as I remain alive.
One thing is to know this intelectually, but another is to KNOW IT for real, internally. I kinda always knew it intelectually, but I have just felt it, and I guess healed it and internalized it a bit more.
I guess this is what it means to be an adult. To have that realization.
Where is the responsability for life then? Well, in what you do? You can do the "wrong thing" and get ahead, or the "right thing" and still not get what you wanted.
There is no right or wrong thing or action in life, some have more direct, expected outcomes, like yes, eat junk food, become unhealthy, do drugs, hurt your body, kick your naked feet into a wall, get hurt.
But a ton of other things don't follow this cause and effect so clearly. Because what you can control is just your actions.
That's all there is. I will let my sleep decide what I do tomorrow. My rope is still in my closet, my problems still unsolved, the world still broken, and I'm still imperfect. And that is that.
I guess.
I had a good time writing this post. And I appreciate a lot you guys, as you kept me company with your comments and reactions. I truly care about this place, and the relief it brings in an uncertain world. Thank god that suicide exists.
that I'm afraid to interact with life, and that I'm not "fundamentally broken", that I maybe wasn't even "autistic", but just a weird awkward kid that got bullied for being different, and living in fantasy worlds, while he held on the naive idea that "you turn the other cheek" and other idealistic fantastical ideas of how the world was. This ended up in fucking me up how I am now.
Maybe I was "on the spectrum" in a way, it makes no real difference at the end, even though I thought It was going to.
I'm just a product of well, the things that happened, and how I dealt with them.
That I get depressed because of 2 things:
1. My issues with myself (my lazy fearful way of dealing with things, my maladaptive behaviours), and my own perception and fantasies.
I create a fantasy of a life, of how life will work out for me, and then, when I try to interact with that fantasy, and that doesn't come to fruition, I despair, get angry and then depressed.
Repeat this from 15 years old to 25 years old.
2. I see the outside circumstances of the world and my own situation and I freak out too much, so I spiral and get depressed, and I don't see objective reality.
I now understand myself a lot more, my mental issues are self generated in response of my unfullfilled fantasies.
I can now see objective reality. And the objective reality is that I'm a 25 year old guy that couldn't put it together and suffered a lot due to himself and his fear of life.
He has built no real skills but this english I'm typing here, nor is he good looking (average to ugly, I think I see myself more ugly now), but a short guy with weak and small bone structure and a missing right pec (birth defect), I basically don't have that muscle.
I'm being an economical and emotional burden on my family since the first time that I went into the mental ward, and even before that too, due to my issues at school.
My family "loves me" but is tired of my depressive state and they want me to get better. They get frustrated when I don't even though they try to help me.
I get frustrated at myself at not getting better while not having the patience or discipline to "stick it out" and see if I can get better, then this cycle repeats, leaving me more depressed each time, and the escape fantasy has to grow to make me keep going, at 18 I had some dreams, then, they grew, then they slowly shrinked down with sparks of "wait, if just everything lines up right maybe I can just put myself together and do it!" followed by dissapointment when I end up dropping the thing when it gets hard due to an outside circumstance, or I self sabotage.
My mom especially has been pushing me to "make money and contribute to the house I'm living in" then making multiple threats of kicking me out of the house, but pitying me and forgiving me "just for the time being, as long as I work on my mental health, getting a job and moving out" this is also a cycle where I half try, fail and get depressed, then puffed up with a fantasy hope of "wait up, maybe this time I can do it, if things just line up the right way and I can..." But that doesn't end up sticking for long, and the fantasies have slowly faded away.
I look at the objective world outside of me and my situation, in which I'm just a guy, with a weak body, who wasted a lot of time due to mental issues and fear/laziness, and was never really disciplined.
I look at the outside and job prospects are though, even more for a 25 year old unmotivated self hating depressed guy with no real training, skills, or physical ability or the right body to do hard work.
Hell, even if I wasn't depressed I would be though. But time hasn't shown I'm a disciplined person willing to put a lot of effort in. I could try to change this, but the most likely outcome, is that it's not enough. Just a spark, then a failure again. Even this happens to disciplined people in a recession.
---
The value of the food, housing, and all my psychiatrist medication far outweigh the money I bring home, which is zero, and I have some small debts over a failed english teaching business idea that I had. My account rejected one payment for online hosting (that I never actually used) for insufficient funds.
My mom is trying to build herself a house during this recession with limited money and rising costs in everything while her salary stays the same, and the costs of paying for my grandma's end life care rise. She saw me really down today, a day which I spent on it's entirety, after coming back from therapy, inside my bed, sleeping.
I know that I can puff myself up, get filled up with pills to manage my depression and destroy my body and my mental function, both, while trying and trying to get better.
While hoping for a better future while I endure the pain that the situation brings me, all the while, the economy gets worse, and less and less people are willing to hire me, due to my lack of skill, or hire me at a salary that's not enough to cover my living expenses, and then the economy keeps getting worse.
My inner heroic fantasy of getting better still pops up, and I can feel "moments" of hope, but they just thoughts, illusory things I make up in my mind in order to get me in a better mood.
In real life, I know things don't turn out how they do in my fantasies.
I'm also scared of failing an attempt and the pain of that.
But I think I now see things more logically. I can get all the hyped up that I wanna get inside my imaginary world. But when interacting with the real world, there comes the problem.
If you have 10 candidates for a job, I'm not in the top 5 options. Therefore, I'm really unlikely, I'd say almost impossible to get picked for a job that is enough to support me.
My mom wants to live her life too, she never got to live on her own. I'm a weight that brings nothing back. I just suck the resources of my family. While they help me out of pity and goodwill.
And this situation, for me, is more comfortable than trying to go out, get a job, and put the effort, pain, and suffering of adult life, and so I delay everything.
Again, there's also the evolving state of the world in a direction I don't like.
Some of there are excuses, other things are factual things that just make my life hard. And I don't know if I could or couldn't handle it cause I don't even quite give a "good try".
I don't even know what a "good try" looks like cause this is as far as I got in life.
I don't know if killing myself or an attempt is the "logical choice". But at the same time, I'm not guaranteed the life I wish for just if I "try hard enough", there's a lot of factors outside of my control that influence what happens.
And taking the easy path of not putting in the effort is also, well, easier. And due to my fantasies of how "life should be like" I feel that I'm ENTITLED to the life I wish for IF I put in the effort.
And OH BOY do I get upset when things don't happen the way I want them to.
I also know I would get really upset and sad if I did put the effort in, and I didn't get what I wanted in the end.
This feeling of: ALL OF THIS PAIN, EFFORT AND SUFFERING, FOR NOTHING? This is not what I wanted...
I'm like a child in that way.
I know I can try and do things to try and influence my fate, but that my fate is mostly out of my hands. And that brings me a lot of anger and sadness.
Therefore, I carry the idea of just ending it all, to not have to deal with that bittersweet feeling of real, painful, imperfect life.
I know realize I felt entitled all this time. And that the world doesn't work like that.
And that I am, forever trapped in this situation, like it or not. And that this, this is life. Not the thing I wanted it to be.
And it will always be like this, for as long as I remain alive.
One thing is to know this intelectually, but another is to KNOW IT for real, internally. I kinda always knew it intelectually, but I have just felt it, and I guess healed it and internalized it a bit more.
I guess this is what it means to be an adult. To have that realization.
Where is the responsability for life then? Well, in what you do? You can do the "wrong thing" and get ahead, or the "right thing" and still not get what you wanted.
There is no right or wrong thing or action in life, some have more direct, expected outcomes, like yes, eat junk food, become unhealthy, do drugs, hurt your body, kick your naked feet into a wall, get hurt.
But a ton of other things don't follow this cause and effect so clearly. Because what you can control is just your actions.
That's all there is. I will let my sleep decide what I do tomorrow. My rope is still in my closet, my problems still unsolved, the world still broken, and I'm still imperfect. And that is that.
I guess.
I had a good time writing this post. And I appreciate a lot you guys, as you kept me company with your comments and reactions. I truly care about this place, and the relief it brings in an uncertain world. Thank god that suicide exists.
