Venting the concept of somebody who "deserves" to die

[systemspace]

Suicidal people are always talked about by pro-lifers as if they're saints. The same stock phrases (you are loved, things will get better, such and such) are repeated to anyone who expresses a desire to end their lives. But they're the same people who deem others as inferior. They're the same people who are quick to tell another to kill themselves over petty matters. They say they want those they used to know dead. Yet I'm supposed to believe that they genuinely care about my life?

The concept of somebody who "deserves" to die is a motivator for me to CTB.
According to others, there's people who don't "deserve" love, there's people who "deserve" worse than what they got. It's nauseating to think about.
It's so vile. This existence feels suffocating. I don't want anyone to feel hatred. I don't want people to hurt each other.
Since what somebody "deserves" is simply what you want for them, it can apply to anyone. If you're as hated as the most heinous people in existence (for whatever reason), it's like you are them, regardless of your actions. If everyone is against you, there's no point.
Mere appearances, mannerisms, words, etc. can evoke such hatred. Again, I don't want anybody to suffer. So death feels like the only option. Existing feels like a crime.

 

[systemspace]

In the first paragraph, I am referring to pro-lifers, not suicidal people. But the way I wrote it makes it sound like I'm referring to the latter. Just correcting myself, ignore

 

[systemspace]

Additional vent.
I wish I didn't feel like I have to do this. I'm terrified.
I secretly hope I chicken out, even if that would be selfish of me. By living, I'm hurting other people.
Even if you manage to embrace or even overcome your suffering, you won't be able to control the suffering of others. This is terrible. I want nobody to suffer.
Even when I'm alone, I think about it. The effects I have on other people matter to me, even if nobody is around to be affected.
What's even worse is that my death is going to make my parents suffer deeply. So, this is kind of a battle between strangers and my own parents. Everyday suffering combined vs deep personal suffering. Which do I value more?
I love everyone a lot, and I don't want to hurt them.

 

[ElTopo]

Suicidal people are always talked about by pro-lifers as if they're saints. The same stock phrases (you are loved, things will get better, such and such) are repeated to anyone who expresses a desire to end their lives. But they're the same people who deem others as inferior. They're the same people who are quick to tell another to kill themselves over petty matters. They say they want those they used to know dead. Yet I'm supposed to believe that they genuinely care about my life?

The concept of somebody who "deserves" to die is a motivator for me to CTB.
According to others, there's people who don't "deserve" love, there's people who "deserve" worse than what they got. It's nauseating to think about.
It's so vile. This existence feels suffocating. I don't want anyone to feel hatred. I don't want people to hurt each other.
Since what somebody "deserves" is simply what you want for them, it can apply to anyone. If you're as hated as the most heinous people in existence (for whatever reason), it's like you are them, regardless of your actions. If everyone is against you, there's no point.
Mere appearances, mannerisms, words, etc. can evoke such hatred. Again, I don't want anybody to suffer. So death feels like the only option. Existing feels like a crime.

I feel you so deeply. The intrinsic value of life is a very complex matter and I think pro lifers usually take a very superficial stance, the fun thing is, they'll tell you you shouldn't kill yourself but they won't ever bother listening to your story, and if you even manage to tell them they'll jerk back in disgust that unjustified pain can exist in their naive world, or that someone who wants to kill themselves actually has valid reasons.

Additional vent.
I wish I didn't feel like I have to do this. I'm terrified.
I secretly hope I chicken out, even if that would be selfish of me. By living, I'm hurting other people.
Even if you manage to embrace or even overcome your suffering, you won't be able to control the suffering of others. This is terrible. I want nobody to suffer.
Even when I'm alone, I think about it. The effects I have on other people matter to me, even if nobody is around to be affected.
What's even worse is that my death is going to make my parents suffer deeply. So, this is kind of a battle between strangers and my own parents. Everyday suffering combined vs deep personal suffering. Which do I value more?
I love everyone a lot, and I don't want to hurt them.

I'm really curious about what brought you here then, why do you feel you have to do this?

 

[systemspace]

I feel you so deeply. The intrinsic value of life is a very complex matter and I think pro lifers usually take a very superficial stance, the fun thing is, they'll tell you you shouldn't kill yourself but they won't ever bother listening to your story, and if you even manage to tell them they'll jerk back in disgust that unjustified pain can exist in their naive world, or that someone who wants to kill themselves actually has valid reasons.

Exactly. Taking the time to listen to an individual's story and offer actual support is not as easy as regurgitating the same lines, ha. Maybe some are truly well-intentioned, and if that's the case, I want them to reflect on their views a little, because blindly accepting the consensus leads to situations like that.

I'm really curious about what brought you here then, why do you feel you have to do this?

Years of being shunned turned me into a passionless and self-isolating person. I don't have anything to offer to the world.