NSFW Talking about sex

[Someplace_nice]

It might be a little weird to talk about but, if I don't get enough sex I start to get sad and depressed. Every weekend he just wouldn't do anything, usually when I go to bed early he'll start sex when I'm asleep, but he hasn't even done that, I can get not having the energy when he goes to bed but we don't do it in the morning anymore either. Not even on Sunday when we go to bed like normal. I'm starting to think that I might've been right about him being bored of me in bed or something. The one time Friday when he made a move he wasn't listening to me in bed and just ruined it completely, we haven't had sex after that. This is the third weekend where this has happened, I'm starting to feel like I should find something else to keep me happy since sex is starting to fade away. He gets tired or not feeling good a lot more now so I need something.

 

[Dejected 55]

Do you ever talk to each other about this? If you aren't talking about this, chances are you aren't talking about other things you should be talking about too. I'm not blaming here, it's likely there are things bothering both of you that you aren't bringing to each other. The lack of sex could be a result of other things backing up in your brains, and it may or may not be about sex itself... that could just be the obvious symptom.

Until you've tried honestly talking about this and other things, you can't really make any good decisions.

 

[Someplace_nice]

Do you ever talk to each other about this? If you aren't talking about this, chances are you aren't talking about other things you should be talking about too. I'm not blaming here, it's likely there are things bothering both of you that you aren't bringing to each other. The lack of sex could be a result of other things backing up in your brains, and it may or may not be about sex itself... that could just be the obvious symptom.

Until you've tried honestly talking about this and other things, you can't really make any good decisions.

We do talk to each other about it but he isn't the best at remembering and I don't have the best confidence to keep asking for sex without it sounding like begging. Idk if there's any real problem besides it happening 3 weekends in a row, there's the problem of bad timing too.

 

[Dejected 55]

We do talk to each other about it but he isn't the best at remembering and I don't have the best confidence to keep asking for sex without it sounding like begging. Idk if there's any real problem besides it happening 3 weekends in a row, there's the problem of bad timing too.

If he isn't remembering, it doesn't sound like you two have really been talking. Again, I'm not blaming here... but if one person isn't remembering a conversation, then you're not really having one. And if you're repeatedly asking for, and being denied, sex in a relationship... that seems like a screaming sign to me of problems. It likely isn't about the sex... I mean I guess it could be, but it feels from a distance more likely to be other problems and the sex is just the thing that he doesn't feel like doing because of the other problems.

I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong. I'm not saying he is either. I don't know. But this feels very much like a case of two people not communicating to each other, and there is clearly something going on... without being there and knowing you both, it's going to be hard for anyone to offer much. It just feels like you both need to be talking about something that must be going on between you that is creating a rift.

To me it isn't about finding fault here... but about figuring out what the problem is. It could be a problem that has nobody to blame. It could be a problem where one or both of you has to take ownership and address. But until the problem is identified and out in the open, the disconnection and loss of intimacy is going to continue and get worse.

 

[Someplace_nice]

If he isn't remembering, it doesn't sound like you two have really been talking. Again, I'm not blaming here... but if one person isn't remembering a conversation, then you're not really having one. And if you're repeatedly asking for, and being denied, sex in a relationship... that seems like a screaming sign to me of problems. It likely isn't about the sex... I mean I guess it could be, but it feels from a distance more likely to be other problems and the sex is just the thing that he doesn't feel like doing because of the other problems.

I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong. I'm not saying he is either. I don't know. But this feels very much like a case of two people not communicating to each other, and there is clearly something going on... without being there and knowing you both, it's going to be hard for anyone to offer much. It just feels like you both need to be talking about something that must be going on between you that is creating a rift.

To me it isn't about finding fault here... but about figuring out what the problem is. It could be a problem that has nobody to blame. It could be a problem where one or both of you has to take ownership and address. But until the problem is identified and out in the open, the disconnection and loss of intimacy is going to continue and get worse.

We do have conversations he just has a really bad memory, when I said that I keep asking I didn't mean we aren't having any I meant I have to ask him every night and morning if we are bc if I leave it to come naturally it won't happen. He is the type of people that are hard to change, it doesn't help that lately when I talk he hears nothing, but if I make a sound he can hear me from the basement. Which we've talked about more than 10 times, I have to explode on him before he changes. He was working on that but we bought a house and everything he has learned has now been thrown out. We are very open and talk about everything, lately he just hasn't been wanting to hear for some reason even tho he says he cares and cares about what I have to say, tho it doesn't feel like it.

 

[Dejected 55]

Again, just surface level knowledge here and there's always bias from the storyteller... randomly, I had a friend a long time ago complaining to me about his wife and I would listen to him, knowing I didn't know his wife very well and he was my friend, and I realized the story he would tell me even if he felt like he was being honest would naturally be biased to his side and I would not know for sure without talking to her... but anyway, he explained and complained and when he was done I had to say to him that he was my friend, and recognizing the storyteller's bias, I had to say to him that honestly HIS version of events made me think he was the one in the wrong and I felt sorry for his wife.

But, having overexplained bias... from what little I know, that you've shared here, it seems like you are making efforts to talk and communicate and it doesn't sound like he is listening or processing anything. Assuming that to be the case, I don't know what else you can do. Without knowing anything else, I would lean to your side of things and say you are trying but he is failing to engage in any meaningful way. Maybe you need a third party, a counselor, or a friend or something to engage with both of you? But this seems to be really bothering you, and I completely understand that, so it feels like you are going to have to force his hand on some level or if left to his own devices nothing is going to change and you might have to one day decide whether the relationship is worth salvaging or not.

That's about all I think I can reasonably offer. What you describe sure sounds like textbook lack of communication where one party (you) is trying to communicate and the other either can't or isn't willing to listen and engage meaningfully. You can't force it. He has to also want to communicate, and if he does not... then he either has a problem that perhaps needs treatment by a professional OR he needs to face possibly losing you if he isn't willing to communicate.

 

[DirtCommie]

It might be a little weird to talk about but, if I don't get enough sex I start to get sad and depressed. Every weekend he just wouldn't do anything, usually when I go to bed early he'll start sex when I'm asleep, but he hasn't even done that, I can get not having the energy when he goes to bed but we don't do it in the morning anymore either. Not even on Sunday when we go to bed like normal. I'm starting to think that I might've been right about him being bored of me in bed or something. The one time Friday when he made a move he wasn't listening to me in bed and just ruined it completely, we haven't had sex after that. This is the third weekend where this has happened, I'm starting to feel like I should find something else to keep me happy since sex is starting to fade away. He gets tired or not feeling good a lot more now so I need something.

...you could just tell him all of this....

 

[Someplace_nice]

...you could just tell him all of this....

I have multiple times..

 

[DirtCommie]

Again, just surface level knowledge here and there's always bias from the storyteller... randomly, I had a friend a long time ago complaining to me about his wife and I would listen to him, knowing I didn't know his wife very well and he was my friend, and I realized the story he would tell me even if he felt like he was being honest would naturally be biased to his side and I would not know for sure without talking to her... but anyway, he explained and complained and when he was done I had to say to him that he was my friend, and recognizing the storyteller's bias, I had to say to him that honestly HIS version of events made me think he was the one in the wrong and I felt sorry for his wife.

But, having overexplained bias... from what little I know, that you've shared here, it seems like you are making efforts to talk and communicate and it doesn't sound like he is listening or processing anything. Assuming that to be the case, I don't know what else you can do. Without knowing anything else, I would lean to your side of things and say you are trying but he is failing to engage in any meaningful way. Maybe you need a third party, a counselor, or a friend or something to engage with both of you? But this seems to be really bothering you, and I completely understand that, so it feels like you are going to have to force his hand on some level or if left to his own devices nothing is going to change and you might have to one day decide whether the relationship is worth salvaging or not.

That's about all I think I can reasonably offer. What you describe sure sounds like textbook lack of communication where one party (you) is trying to communicate and the other either can't or isn't willing to listen and engage meaningfully. You can't force it. He has to also want to communicate, and if he does not... then he either has a problem that perhaps needs treatment by a professional OR he needs to face possibly losing you if he isn't willing to communicate.

ALso I agree with what Dejected said here. We are only hearing one part of the story so of course there is thebpossibility that there is bias here from your part.We just dont know for sure until you BF wants to come into this wth his own take.

But also I will say that all relationships and especially sex are like an unfair game of csrds. You can play all your cards correctly and still EVERYTHING can go wrong. It is something where you simply have to be happy that you played the game at all and sometimes that is all you get. You get to play...but you get no luck and thats that lol.

Seeing as how you have a boyfriend right now I dont think that everything has gone wrong for you in this particular card game lol. So c9ngratz on that lol.

anyways, I would say just talk to him about everything youve said here. Maybe he becomes more understanding and looks to have sex more often with you more in ways that you both enjoy? Maybe you both decide that this type of relationship isnt suitable for either of you? Its really up to you two.