Venting Surviving my trauma isn’t worth it anymore.

[camswithincams]

Hey y'all, first actual post. Just wanting to get a lot of things off my chest.

Teeny bit of context, my life is Fucked. Im a trafficking victim, damn near since i was born. I have lifelong health issues because of it; they go in and out, but some days I cant walk, or talk, or even think because of how badly my brain is fucked up. Acquired Brain Injury from having late-stage syphilis at 11-12 years old. Yknow how long that takes to incubate after initial exposure? 10 years.

At this point, I've already tried to live. Ive gone to therapy, ive done the treatments, hell i'm actively ON medication. But my lifelong dreams of going to college, and living on my own are actively collapsing around me. I'm failing at the one thing i'm good at, and its because i cant remember. I can't think. I used to read Shakespeare in my free time, I read The Tempest in less than a week- and now I can barely parse more than a page of text without significant effort. I still live with my mother. I cant drive. I cant make money. I can't do anything. I will continue to be a burden on my family and friends until the day i die, leeching off of their money and time like a parasitic growth.

I miss my son, too. It's been almost a decade since he passed; he went within the day of being born. He wasnt recorded as a birth by any government, and I had him at home, a scared child bringing another into this world. I named him, while I tried to sleep at night. Gabriel. My angel.

I also know that my friends would take it badly. I know that. But it truly is the only option that will set me free.

My method isn't decided yet, though SN is tempting- I'm a pharmacy student. Its what I wanted to do with my life. I know my way around drugs.

I just want to CTB back home to my family- my real family, the cousins and brothers and sisters and son who left me behind because they didn't have a choice either.

 

[mya_]

I'm so sorry for all the pain you've been through. I was thinking, have you tried to go to a neurologist? And maybe they could treat your symptoms? I don't really know, I guess it's not that easy

 

[camswithincams]

I'm so sorry for all the pain you've been through. I was thinking, have you tried to go to a neurologist? And maybe they could treat your symptoms? I don't really know, I guess it's not that easy

I did, actually- Ive been considering going to another one. I wish I lived in a place where it wasnt damn near impossible to get to places without a drive though. So much of my money goes to Uber.

My original neurologist essentially went "Welp. Nothin we can do except put you in OT + up your dosage." For context, I am on prozac and ritalin. They do help, mostly- not mainly the mental issues, but prozac fixes the cataplexy + the ritalin keeps me awake at the cost of sometimes giving me a mini-seizure. And OT is expensive, and difficult even without a trauma history like mine. Alongside that history? Ive made both normal, physical and occupational therapists drop my case before. Not intentionally, either. They just don't know what to do with me.

Something about being too broken to fix. Some plates you can glue back together, and maybe even fill the cracks with gold, but some should just turn back into porcelain dust, and reused as more clay.

That metaphor probably doesnt make sense- I forget I get poetical sometimes lol

 

[mya_]

I did, actually- Ive been considering going to another one. I wish I lived in a place where it wasnt damn near impossible to get to places without a drive though. So much of my money goes to Uber.

My original neurologist essentially went "Welp. Nothin we can do except put you in OT + up your dosage." For context, I am on prozac and ritalin. They do help, mostly- not mainly the mental issues, but prozac fixes the cataplexy + the ritalin keeps me awake at the cost of sometimes giving me a mini-seizure. And OT is expensive, and difficult even without a trauma history like mine. Alongside that history? Ive made both normal, physical and occupational therapists drop my case before. Not intentionally, either. They just don't know what to do with me.

Something about being too broken to fix. Some plates you can glue back together, and maybe even fill the cracks with gold, but some should just turn back into porcelain dust, and reused as more clay.

That metaphor probably doesnt make sense- I forget I get poetical sometimes lol

Your metaphor did make a lot of sense, it's so sad that they don't know how to help you. I also think there's scarcity of good medical professionals out there, but there's not much we can do about it