Discussion Suicide rates according to my mental illnesses.

[lacrimosa]

https://psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/appi.ps.201800346

"Among patients in the case group, 51.3% had a recorded psychiatric diagnosis in the year before death, compared with 12.7% of control group patients. Risk of suicide mortality was highest among those with schizophrenia spectrum disorder, after adjustment for age and sociodemographic characteristics (adjusted odds ratio [AOR]=15.0) followed by bipolar disorder (AOR=13.2), depressive disorders (AOR=7.2), anxiety disorders (AOR=5.8), and ADHD (AOR=2.4). The risk of suicide death among those with a diagnosed bipolar disorder was higher in women than men."

Not to sound too helpless or hopeless, but the stats are not in my favor.

I have ADHD, schizoaffective disorder (schizophrenia + bi-polar), and anxiety because my schizophrenia and bi-polar disorders.

It's been great but it really hasn't if you know what I mean. Medications aren't working and it's time to try one last thing.

Last option for me, ECT therapy.. Electroconvulsive therapy.

In other words, I appreciate every last one of you lovely people and the strength you have, but maybe, just maybe, life isn't for me. It isn't meant to be. We will see once I get my brain zapped.

Wish me luck! :)

Also, I would love if any of you have had ECT, if you're comfortable with the whole sharing thing, to share the results with me regarding it being a success vs. unsuccessful. I need to know more information as these are uncharted waters for me...

 

[dinosavr]

That really doesn't sound good. Keep in mind though that these are general statistics, it's not a good sign but people separately are not statistics and everyone has their own % of chance to recover (which unfortunately will forever remain unknown).
I wish you didn't have to suffer this much, it's so unfair. I believe in you though, it's good that you keep on trying. You should be really proud of yourself. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

 

[lacrimosa]

That really doesn't sound good. Keep in mind though that these are general statistics, it's not a good sign but people separately are not statistics and everyone has their own % of chance to recover (which unfortunately will forever remain unknown).
I wish you didn't have to suffer this much, it's so unfair. I believe in you though, it's good that you keep on trying. You should be really proud of yourself. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

Thank you for your support! I am tired of the constant battles of my brain pulling me in opposite directions but this might be my snowball's chance in hell shot of making it, so I'm taking it.

People, including the government, are too selfish and self-righteous to let me die with dignity, which pisses me off, but, I need to respect their feelings as that is how I was raised. But if this doesn't work, I will finally get the permission needed to die with my head held high and can let it all go.

It's been a long fight, but my SI is like Rocky in the first movie. I just keep going for whatever reason. Maybe I am afraid to die and mask this fear with the excuse that it will hurt those in my family.

But, if they only knew what went on in my head, the stress, the agony, then they would be begging me to end it. It's so hypocritical and selfish of them to want me to be alive for them when I am the one who is suffering. But, they don't know how suicidal I am and I grin and bear it. They only know about my mental illnesses. And again, when I am around them, I grin and bear it because I don't want them to suffer.

A wise women said I am not responsible for other people's happiness. This is so true. But, again, I was raised to be responsible for their happiness and don't know anything different.

Again, thank you for the kind words!

 

[dinosavr]

Thank you for your support! I am tired of the constant battles of my brain pulling me in opposite directions but this might be my snowball's chance in hell shot of making it, so I'm taking it.

People, including the government, are too selfish and self-righteous to let me die with dignity, which pisses me off, but, I need to respect their feelings as that is how I was raised. But if this doesn't work, I will finally get the permission needed to die with my head held high and can let it all go.

It's been a long fight, but my SI is like Rocky in the first movie. I just keep going for whatever reason. Maybe I am afraid to die and mask this fear with the excuse that it will hurt those in my family.

But, if they only knew what went on in my head, the stress, the agony, then they would be begging me to end it. It's so hypocritical and selfish of them to want me to be alive for them when I am the one who is suffering. But, they don't know how suicidal I am and I grin and bear it. They only know about my mental illnesses. And again, when I am around them, I grin and bear it because I don't want them to suffer.

A wise women said I am not responsible for other people's happiness. This is so true. But, again, I was raised to be responsible for their happiness and don't know anything different.

Again, thank you for the kind words!

Yes oh my god you put it in the right words. I guess that's what many of us can relate to. I know I am not responsible for other people's happiness, but whole my life I've been doing anything I could to make them happy or at least to not create any additional problem. With such approach that went on for 20+ years of my life since it's begun, it feels almost impossible to let it all go at the end of everything when I won't be able to fix it anymore.
But the truth is YOU are right. Only you know how much it costs you. And it hurts even more that you sacrifice yourself every single day for them just because they require something from you that they never had to go through themselves. Their point of view is really narrow compared to yours. And what I try to hope for is for them to be able to realize that one day and forgive us.

 

[divinemistress36]

I did 19 ect treatments I personally regret it. It gave me temporary relief but it gave me permanent memory loss I dont remember a lot of events that happened in my life . As long as you are aware that this can happen its worth a try

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering, it truly is cruel how people suffer in this existence all through no fault of their own. But anyway I wish you the best of luck in whatever happens.

 

[Buildingsandcastles]

I did ECT because I was at rock bottom and couldn't get any worse (well at least this is what I think because I can't remember over 10 years of my life now). But ECT destroyed any sliver of chance I might have had left to hold onto even if it was minuscule to begin with. It's like I have dementia, and they said it would get better and 3 years later it is getting worse and worse cognitively, I keep finding out things I don't even remember I don't remember...and then I forget and it happens again. And doctors don't help even when it's clearly neurological from getting tons of electricity through your brain to have multiple seizures because there are 2 camps of doctors- 1- those who deny that ECT has terrible effects more than "very rarely" and 2- those who believe and know the damage but then say you have to get off all medication and be natural as if that's not exactly what I wanted/wanted but is one of the issues that led to more rock bottom and ECT in the first place. there are only the extremes (well there are the 3rd kind who don't even know what ECT is/that it still happens or have seen anyone who has done it) and I am too tired and incapable now to keep trying to look for medical help. Even if I could remember the 10 missing years, not because they were good but for basic knowledge to build on to function, it doesn't matter because can't remember what I do, what I say, I cant feel empathy anymore, I have diminished control of my motor skills, I can't remember how to get somewhere, how to cook, or what I might have liked since I don't even vaguely like anything to hold onto anymore. I can't consistently put coherent thoughts together like this rambling haha. So many things. And now I don't even have the capacity for logistical memory and ability to figure out how to obtain methods for CTB. However, it does work for some people, and if I came back to warn me I'm sure I wouldn't have listened to me because what other options are left?