Venting Suicidal ideation replaced with Porn Addiction.

[Green Destiny]

I'll start this thread off with stating that it's been some time since I've been here on SaSu, hope you all have been doing well. The caveat as to why is because for the first time in a long time I don't feel all that suicidal.

I haven't gone to any therapy or have taken any meds but I think a huge change in my brain has happened: and that is I've been in taking a lot more pornography. Thing is that this isn't exactly new for me, although I did have a few stretches of abstaining from porn for a handful of months off and on last year.

And now it's come roaring back to the forefront, alarmingly so. I'm certainly not proud nor will I disclose what I've looked at but it's lead me down a rather unpleasant path, one that I'm worried I'll never be able to truly walk away from. But I want to stop or at least cut back significantly on my porn usage. As I said I was able to go a few months without looking porn up but now I can only go about 5 days before relapsing. I somewhat had this problem under control and now I barely have a grip on it.

To end this thread (TMI warning) I guess I'm what you call a gooner, who prolongs self pleasure for very long intervals as a form of euphoria. Sorry if I made anyone uncomfortable with this thread, this isn't something I was all that keen on sharing despite the anonymity this place provides.

 

[DivineSpark]

For me it is food, but when it comes to porn. My schizophrenia meds has destroyed my libido. So I have no longer desire for it.
Long term porn addiction is not good, doesnt do good to your brain, but I guess it is better than suicidal ideation.

 

[mothflame]

Hey ,

I wanted to comment on your story, albeit only to provide comfort and recognition coming from someone who closely related to what you are experiencing.

I found this website (SaSu) because I felt suicidal, and was looking for some kind of thread, reddit anything where suicidal people would meet and talk, through an investigative article about SaSu I, negatively judging I might add, I ended up singing up for SaSu.

Anyway I am branching as I always do..

I am in a similar situation with my porn usage. I am also doing this.. you called it gooner , I never heard this term but I also prolong the moment as long as I can , kind of milking my own dopamine glands if you will.. it's quite repulsive really but if you look at it as a system for self gratification, well there is nothing more potent, so yeah extremely addicting,

I understand your deep concern and fear about not being able to beat it. I also were able to abstain for months long periods whereas now, like you, I find myself in a darker place , less distractions from that darkness, and a hightened sensitivity towards any escape, the perfect breeding ground for this addiction to root itself.


I do want to speak some uplifting words, because there is a reason that we were able (hope you don't mind I speak in the we form) to abstain for longer in the past , however bleak things may look , all these feelings , ideas and future imaginations always come in waves.. so I have somewhere accepted that I am caught in a strong wave where I might not be able to find a mind space big enough to reside in while I wait for the addiction wave to be over , but this opportunity will again come.

So I guess I am saying , just observe it during this time while it is very strong , be also as honest to yourself as possible , and be on the lookout for the next opportunity to brace yourself against these mind attacks (what they essentially are) and try not to judge yourself too harshly (a bit is not bad, even healthy I think)


Also , I would like to hear from you, if you ever read this ,

What do you think is in people like us , that make us so extremely open and vulnerable to an addiction like this? I am interested to hear from you

Have a good one

 

[Dejected 55]

I watch porn when I get particularly horny. I'm not addicted to porn, it's just all I have. I would much rather be in a loving relationship with a woman and not having hardly any sex at all... though I'd of course want that with her... but if I was with someone who genuinely and truly loved me and we were there for each other... that's mostly what I need and want.

But I don't have that... and porn is all I can get. I'd happily toss all the porn overboard in a heartbeat. I'm not using that and excluding real relationships. I'm using it because I've never been able to get into a relationship and that is all that is left to me.

 

[NEETHELL]

Hey man, I'm a big time gooner too. It didn't use to be such a problem in middle school and highschool. But then in my first year of uni I discovered hentai games. I'd end up edging for hours and whole nights while playing those games, instead of resting properly, learning as much as I should have or at the very least spending time on less harmful ways of entertainment.

Perhaps it all started going wrong when I got into anime, but I think my true mistake was getting into those kinda games and having no self control.

That lead me to not finish my degree, be a NEET for 2 years, and now even as I have a job, I am still handling it miserably. All cause of the bad habits I've developed and at this point I doubt I have it in me to change myself.

 

[Average Joe]

I wish I had some advice, I was in the same boat until my meds took away my libido. Porn addiction is very real and I wish it was recognised as an addiction, seeking professional help for it (in my case) just resulted in awkwardness.
They say try blocking sites but if there's a will, there's a way.

There's a reddit community called r/nofap. maybe it might be helpful if you're looking to stop?

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

Oh so that's what Gooner means. I though It was just people who perused porn in excess, but it seems by what I've read it is edging to the extreme?

I do master bake daily or so, but I prefer to go by my own imagination, though I have some special prons stored for when I really want a mindblowing experience.

That said, I don't feel I'm an addict. It's just a way to force my body to feel better, like an emergency button, and it really depends on the day if I'm more or less horny. Some days it's like 3-4 goons a day, other days I prefer to just edge it once and go without releasing.

My specific pornographic interests are very specific, but I guess having fetishes is normal, ironically enough. Overall, I think I'm mostly fine. Though I'm here to support anyone that feels like it's wrong or something, cause It's really not, It's just humans having fantasies.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

I wish I had some advice, I was in the same boat until my meds took away my libido. Porn addiction is very real and I wish it was recognised as an addiction, seeking professional help for it (in my case) just resulted in awkwardness.
They say try blocking sites but if there's a will, there's a way.

There's a reddit community called r/nofap. maybe it might be helpful if you're looking to stop?

NoFap is a culty community that is part of the manosphere/inceldom subculture. Please don't go there, for what remains of your own sanity.

EDIT: Many of its members are religious fundamentalists, too. What a surprise.

 

[Average Joe]

NoFap is a culty community that is part of the manosphere/inceldom subculture. Please don't go there, for what remains of your own sanity.

EDIT: Many of its members are religious fundamentalists, too. What a surprise.

Oh really? Damn I never knew. I just heard of it and seen it as a first glance.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

I also thought they were friendly, but turns out it's just another toxic hive. In fact, most "Porn quitting" programs are done with little to no research behind them, so I'm iffy about them. If you do have problems with porn, it's best to talk with actual doctors and psychologists than trusting people online with it.

Not saying you shouldn't find community, but it doesn't need to be specifically for porn quitting. As long as it's a community that is willing to be kind and respectable, they are going to help at least a little. NoFap is just going to drag you into incel and manosphere dung pits.

Here's more info: rationalwiki.org/wiki/NoFap

EDIT: If it wasn't clear, I don't blame you @Average Joe for thinking they were fine. You shared it in good will, ok?

 

[Gárà912]

I always had a bit of both because of that after-nut regret. Than I start developing this strange thing of watching porn everyday without masturbating. Eventually, watching pornography would instantly trigger me suicidal thoughts.

During these last few weeks, I heard something very deep, that changed my perspective, while doom scrolling memes on reels:

"Você se masturba porque é solitário, ou é solitário porque se masturba?"

"Do you goon because you are lonely, or are you lonely because you goon?"

After that I replaced the gooning for the suicidal thoughts. Still better one problem than two.

 

[RoseGirl]

I love porn but my meds killed my libido. I think uhm jorking it once every few days would be nice... But i can't even do that t~t
Still it's best not to good daily. I think it's mostly a hormonal thing since like meds affect it way more self control.

 

[Higurashi415]

NoFap is a culty community that is part of the manosphere/inceldom subculture. Please don't go there, for what remains of your own sanity.

EDIT: Many of its members are religious fundamentalists, too. What a surprise.

unfortunately it's one of the few places on the internet where people actually understand porn addiction. I agree they are cultish though and definitely take things to the extreme

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

I always had a bit of both because of that after-nut regret. Than I start developing this strange thing of watching porn everyday without masturbating. Eventually, watching pornography would instantly trigger me suicidal thoughts.

During these last few weeks, I heard something very deep, that changed my perspective, while doom scrolling memes on reels:

"Você se masturba porque é solitário, ou é solitário porque se masturba?"

"Do you goon because you are lonely, or are you lonely because you goon?"

After that I replaced the gooning for the suicidal thoughts. Still better one problem than two.

The chicken or the egg? Which one came (lol) first?

Honestly, my guess is that people search for connection constantly, and if they can't find it naturally, you start looking on things like the internet, random people, games, media in general, and of course porn.

Porn isn't inherently the problem. The problem is that we live in a society where connection is getting harder and harder. Just like other drugs, the source of the problem is "People wouldn't take them if they were satisfied and happy with their lives."

How about we make life worth living again? MLWLA

 

[Death Diviner]

I watch porn when I get particularly horny. I'm not addicted to porn, it's just all I have. I would much rather be in a loving relationship with a woman and not having hardly any sex at all... though I'd of course want that with her... but if I was with someone who genuinely and truly loved me and we were there for each other... that's mostly what I need and want.

But I don't have that... and porn is all I can get. I'd happily toss all the porn overboard in a heartbeat. I'm not using that and excluding real relationships. I'm using it because I've never been able to get into a relationship and that is all that is left to me.

You and me, buddy.

 

[Green Destiny]

Hey ,

I wanted to comment on your story, albeit only to provide comfort and recognition coming from someone who closely related to what you are experiencing.

I found this website (SaSu) because I felt suicidal, and was looking for some kind of thread, reddit anything where suicidal people would meet and talk, through an investigative article about SaSu I, negatively judging I might add, I ended up singing up for SaSu.

Anyway I am branching as I always do..

I am in a similar situation with my porn usage. I am also doing this.. you called it gooner , I never heard this term but I also prolong the moment as long as I can , kind of milking my own dopamine glands if you will.. it's quite repulsive really but if you look at it as a system for self gratification, well there is nothing more potent, so yeah extremely addicting,

I understand your deep concern and fear about not being able to beat it. I also were able to abstain for months long periods whereas now, like you, I find myself in a darker place , less distractions from that darkness, and a hightened sensitivity towards any escape, the perfect breeding ground for this addiction to root itself.


I do want to speak some uplifting words, because there is a reason that we were able (hope you don't mind I speak in the we form) to abstain for longer in the past , however bleak things may look , all these feelings , ideas and future imaginations always come in waves.. so I have somewhere accepted that I am caught in a strong wave where I might not be able to find a mind space big enough to reside in while I wait for the addiction wave to be over , but this opportunity will again come.

So I guess I am saying , just observe it during this time while it is very strong , be also as honest to yourself as possible , and be on the lookout for the next opportunity to brace yourself against these mind attacks (what they essentially are) and try not to judge yourself too harshly (a bit is not bad, even healthy I think)


Also , I would like to hear from you, if you ever read this ,

What do you think is in people like us , that make us so extremely open and vulnerable to an addiction like this? I am interested to hear from you

Have a good one

thank you for your compassion in my situation. When it comes to how or why we're addicted to porn I can't really say. My dad was an alcoholic for sometime before and after I was born and he's been able to stay away from alcohol for close to 20 years but I don't know if that makes me predisposed for addiction. For me it's a thing that I've been looking at for a very long time and I'm guessing the more I consumed the bigger the need to use it became, and the need to seek out more intense things surrounding it. I don't get out often although I do have a job, but it's that and taking care of my mom and that's it, I don't have many other outlets because of time and money so of course I don't have any distractions to preoccupy myself with.