eggsausagerice
last chance for cake!
- Apr 21, 2025
- 1,038
i'm avoiding the fireworks outside. my family doesn't care about me. i think i might try to hang myself on a tree outside but i'm worried about the neighbors seeing me setting a rope up so i haven't done it yet. i was originally excited for new years eve but then i started thinking and thinking about how useless i am and doing anything at all started to feel pointless because my parents will never care about me. i'm really tired of people saying that my life can be fixed because i'm 20 and whatever whatever whatever because i know i can but i have no energy to fix it because i'm going to be constantly depressed and miserable about everything. how do you think that makes someone feel? i don't care if you want to be in my place because you're older than me. i feel no joy in existing and even when i feel happy i know i don't deserve it because i don't have a job, license, and i'm not enrolled in college so i'm functionally a child. i'm not getting therapy anytime soon. i'm not learning how to drive because every time i try to practice driving i have intrusive thoughts about crashing the car and i get so scared that i want to get out because i think it's going to happen. my parents already think i'll crash the car so it'd only prove that i'm as stupid as they think.
i tried to partial hang myself again and i started gagging and got really scared so i stopped. but i need to keep on hanging if i ever really want to die. what was i talking about all those other times? why do i keep backing out? i can't keep living because there's no life for me to be living if i keep on anticipating me killing myself before the end of next week. this isn't a sustainable way to live but i've lived this way for so long that it obviously is. i'm acting like this is suffering when it isn't. this isn't suffering. this has never been suffering. i'm just alive. these feelings don't matter because i'm alive and the pain and the sadness will never be taken seriously because i'm not dead. that's what people don't understand. i'm too depressing when i talk about suicidal ideation and i'm also not serious enough about it because i haven't killed myself. i don't want people to think i'm recovering because i'm not and i don't want people to feel sorry for me either. i don't want to be left alone but i don't want to be forgotten either.
this is mundane suffering that i was meant to grow thick enough skin to get over, but i fall to pieces every time something makes me upset instead. i just don't want to be here anymore. i'm freaking out. i don't want be here anymore because i don't have anything to be here for, meanwhile people are with friends, partners, family, coworkers, whoever. and i'm all alone. i'm in my closet and i'm not dead, but the rope is still there. i'm just supposed to put my head in the noose and kill myself if i'm suicidal because that's what society expects me to do. being in the middle is boring and it makes me look like an attention seeker, because if i was really in so much pain i would be dead, in their eyes.
i shouldn't be so much of a coward. i shouldn't judge others for being afraid either. being alive is the base state and not a sign of your will to live. i wish i could kill myself before the new year started. i want all the happy people in the world to die because i'm miserable and stupid. i hate these stupid fucking holidays. i hate being alone. i'm alone because i don't want to be close to anybody when i know i'm just gonna be back at square one trying to hang myself. this isn't living, just inhaling and exhaling. i want everyone to shut up and go away because they don't understand me at all. i hate talking about how i feel because it feels irritating to know that it doesn't matter whether i say it out loud or not if i still feel like nobody cares about me or appreciates me. i want to turn into a dust speck and get wiped away. suicidal thoughts only matter once you're dead. even i think it's tiring as fuck to hear these thoughts day in and day out. i just wish that i would shut up and die.
i tried to partial hang myself again and i started gagging and got really scared so i stopped. but i need to keep on hanging if i ever really want to die. what was i talking about all those other times? why do i keep backing out? i can't keep living because there's no life for me to be living if i keep on anticipating me killing myself before the end of next week. this isn't a sustainable way to live but i've lived this way for so long that it obviously is. i'm acting like this is suffering when it isn't. this isn't suffering. this has never been suffering. i'm just alive. these feelings don't matter because i'm alive and the pain and the sadness will never be taken seriously because i'm not dead. that's what people don't understand. i'm too depressing when i talk about suicidal ideation and i'm also not serious enough about it because i haven't killed myself. i don't want people to think i'm recovering because i'm not and i don't want people to feel sorry for me either. i don't want to be left alone but i don't want to be forgotten either.
this is mundane suffering that i was meant to grow thick enough skin to get over, but i fall to pieces every time something makes me upset instead. i just don't want to be here anymore. i'm freaking out. i don't want be here anymore because i don't have anything to be here for, meanwhile people are with friends, partners, family, coworkers, whoever. and i'm all alone. i'm in my closet and i'm not dead, but the rope is still there. i'm just supposed to put my head in the noose and kill myself if i'm suicidal because that's what society expects me to do. being in the middle is boring and it makes me look like an attention seeker, because if i was really in so much pain i would be dead, in their eyes.
i shouldn't be so much of a coward. i shouldn't judge others for being afraid either. being alive is the base state and not a sign of your will to live. i wish i could kill myself before the new year started. i want all the happy people in the world to die because i'm miserable and stupid. i hate these stupid fucking holidays. i hate being alone. i'm alone because i don't want to be close to anybody when i know i'm just gonna be back at square one trying to hang myself. this isn't living, just inhaling and exhaling. i want everyone to shut up and go away because they don't understand me at all. i hate talking about how i feel because it feels irritating to know that it doesn't matter whether i say it out loud or not if i still feel like nobody cares about me or appreciates me. i want to turn into a dust speck and get wiped away. suicidal thoughts only matter once you're dead. even i think it's tiring as fuck to hear these thoughts day in and day out. i just wish that i would shut up and die.
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