Venting (Suicidal Gay) Made a terrible mistake

[Null84]

Don't really have anywhere else to talk about this so I'm posting it here. I've known (or at least thought) that i was gay since my early teens, and have consigned myself to being forever alone.

Last week, i tried installing some apps for the first time and even had a hookup with a lovely older man. The problem is I felt nothing. I couldn't get hard, and doing stuff to him was just empty. He was very understanding but I feel terrible. My conversations on the apps have been similarly devastating. Realizing that this constant need for sex is the essence of being gay has brought on the worst anxiety of my life. I'm shaking, and having trouble sleeping.

I tried to talk to guys on less hookup centered apps, and met one that was really nice. Unfortunately I also found him on grindr the next day with another man looking for a third for group sex. I almost vomited. This can't be it right? Are there no other people like me? I feel such a terrible urge to go out into the cold winter night and jump into the river. I've never met a gay man organically and I feel like I'm never gonna fit in. I wish i had never tried to connect to anyone. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I want to die.

 

[U. A.]

Get off the mainstream apps, dude. This is not the way to meet people who aren't just looking to bang.

this constant need for sex is the essence of being gay

is categorically false.

 

[Rainbow Dash]

You are aware about hookuo culture?
Not just gay but also straight community with tinder and shit.

Its degenerate.. Yes
Spreads deseases... It can if not safe for both communites lol


Not sain its easy to find true love... Im single too lol but hey man if you dont agree with that degeneracy then dont participate.

Look for lgbt friendly places/shops like coffee or weed and make a friend.
From their youll be intheir circle andmwel.. Hopeflly meet the one

But i strongly advize against random hookups... But thats my opinion!


Edit: not spelling but this.

For real relationship do meetspace FTF (irl) not online.

As UA stated the appsnare for HOOKUPS not DATING.

But i can lead to a relationship.... Just mosty used for hookups.

 

[Null84]

Get off the mainstream apps, dude. This is not the way to meet people who aren't just looking to bang.

is categorically false.

I tried getting on more dating focused apps, but they all just seem like hookup apps in disguise. I live in a small town, there is no non-mainstream here. All the guys with "single, looking for serious dating" in their profiles are also just constantly hooking up. It all feels so gross.

 

[U. A.]

I tried getting on more dating focused apps, but they all just seem like hookup apps in disguise. I live in a small town, there is no non-mainstream here. All the guys with "single, looking for serious dating" in their profiles are also just constantly hooking up. It all feels so gross.

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[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

Get off the mainstream apps, dude. This is not the way to meet people who aren't just looking to bang.

is categorically false.

I 2nd this.


You are probably more attracted to men romantically and while sex can be there too, you first need a strong romantic bond.

You're normal, society isn't, hugs.

 

[daruino]

Aw, I'm in a similar boat, and I've honestly given up too :// It feels impossible to meet a girl who is also gay organically, even though I know they're out there...
I wish I could offer any advice or support man, but I don't know either.. I could only say do more activities irl, perhaps there are lgbt centered spaces in your area?

Realizing that this constant need for sex is the essence of being gay has brought on the worst anxiety of my life.

I wonder how you feel towards sex in general? Perhaps it's something you don't want at all? Or you need a connection with someone first? Either way you aren't 'weird' for that. There are definitely people like you who also value (romantic) connection over sex, but you aren't going to meet them on those apps unfortunately :/ Best of luck!

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Realizing that this constant need for sex is the essence of being gay has brought on the worst anxiety of my life.

I know others already commented on this, but I am a demisexual gay man, so I thought I'd give my own take.

Demisexuality is on the asexual spectrum. It means that someone does not feel sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional bond—for me, a romantic bond is required.

Not wanting or being able to reciprocate sex at first is normal for many people.

 

[Null84]

Aw, I'm in a similar boat, and I've honestly given up too :// It feels impossible to meet a girl who is also gay organically, even though I know they're out there...
I wish I could offer any advice or support man, but I don't know either.. I could only say do more activities irl, perhaps there are lgbt centered spaces in your area?


I wonder how you feel towards sex in general? Perhaps it's something you don't want at all? Or you need a connection with someone first? Either way you aren't 'weird' for that. There are definitely people like you who also value (romantic) connection over sex, but you aren't going to meet them on those apps unfortunately :/ Best of luck!

I thought it was something I wanted, but I wonder if I just want to be normal, or desperately desire to be wanted. It's attractive in theory. But not being into sex will just make me feel more defective. How will I ever meet anyone then? It just makes life feel pointless.

I know I'm stupid for feeling this way about people I don't really know, but knowing that the guys who seem genuinely nice to me when we talk are hooking up with new guys every week just makes me feel ill. Like we're all just replacable cuts in the meat market. Like the idea of love I have is just the dream of a deluded child who never properly grew up. I wish I'd died with my idealism intact.

I know others already commented on this, but I am a demisexual gay man, so I thought I'd give my own take.

Demisexuality is on the asexual spectrum. It means that someone does not feel sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional bond—for me, a romantic bond is required.

Not wanting or being able to reciprocate sex at first is normal for many people.

How do you meet people? I don't have any idea what I'm doing. Probably doesn't help that I'm not all that attractive.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

How do you meet people? I don't have any idea what I'm doing. Probably doesn't help that I'm not all that attractive.

I unfortunately can't help you with that. The best relationships I had just came from meeting people places where we shared interests. One was met in a fandom space online, another at a short summer camp type thing. All other relationships were shitty at BEST.

 

[daruino]

I thought it was something I wanted, but I wonder if I just want to be normal, or desperately desire to be wanted. It's attractive in theory. But not being into sex will just make me feel more defective. How will I ever meet anyone then? It just makes life feel pointless.

I know I'm stupid for feeling this way about people I don't really know, but knowing that the guys who seem genuinely nice to me when we talk are hooking up with new guys every week just makes me feel ill. Like we're all just replacable cuts in the meat market. Like the idea of love I have is just the dream of a deluded child who never properly grew up. I wish I'd died with my idealism intact.

Ah, I agree with you on so much. I think maybe sex is possible, if I really like the person and it's not the focus of our relationship I guess. I don't think I'd actually enjoy it though. I wonder if actual real, fulfilling love is even possible? Or it's incredibly difficult to find for people like us... I've also grown wary when talking to others, because they probably don't view love and relationships in the same way. I also urge you to stay cautious and not accidentally hurt your feelings.

I assume you haven't had a relationship before? What attracts you to being in one?

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

How do you meet people? I don't have any idea what I'm doing. Probably doesn't help that I'm not all that attractive.

If you're from sweeden like your profile implies, look for demisexual homoromantic people (in sweeden, it's a progressive country, I'm sure you can find many).

But first search for the term demisexual. nothing wrong with that.

 

[Null84]

Ah, I agree with you on so much. I think maybe sex is possible, if I really like the person and it's not the focus of our relationship I guess. I don't think I'd actually enjoy it though. I wonder if actual real, fulfilling love is even possible? Or it's incredibly difficult to find for people like us... I've also grown wary when talking to others, because they probably don't view love and relationships in the same way. I also urge you to stay cautious and not accidentally hurt your feelings.

I assume you haven't had a relationship before? What attracts you to being in one?

Honestly I think the best part of my hookup was just getting to cuddle with the guy afterwards. We had a nice talk, and he's lived an interesting life. Had he been 20 years younger I would've asked him on a date in a heartbeat. I was so excited before, thinking about having sex. I thought that once i'd had it something would click, but there was no spark, no intense pleasure to it. I just felt hollow and ashamed.

I guess I'm just really lonely, and i want to love someone and have them love me in return. I want to have someone to come home to, and someone to do stuff with. I want someone to care about me, and value me. Besides my parents, I don't know if anyone would mourn my passing.

Unfortunately I think I've already managed to hurt my feelings, and I don't know how to recover. It feels like a part of me has died. I regret it so much, and can only blame myself for being a desperate moron. I should've stayed alone with my innocent fantasies until the day I died. Now my dreams are tainted.

I'm also terrified of proper "dating" now. If someone were to leave me because I couldn't satisfy them sexually, I'm not sure I would survive that. I'm barely surviving this. And I'm so afraid that my personality and body just won't be enough. I'm never enough.

 

[BlockedintheUK]

Honestly I think the best part of my hookup was just getting to cuddle with the guy afterwards. We had a nice talk, and he's lived an interesting life. Had he been 20 years younger I would've asked him on a date in a heartbeat. I was so excited before, thinking about having sex. I thought that once i'd had it something would click, but there was no spark, no intense pleasure to it. I just felt hollow and ashamed.

I guess I'm just really lonely, and i want to love someone and have them love me in return. I want to have someone to come home to, and someone to do stuff with. I want someone to care about me, and value me. Besides my parents, I don't know if anyone would mourn my passing.

Unfortunately I think I've already managed to hurt my feelings, and I don't know how to recover. It feels like a part of me has died. I regret it so much, and can only blame myself for being a desperate moron. I should've stayed alone with my innocent fantasies until the day I died. Now my dreams are tainted.

I'm also terrified of proper "dating" now. If someone were to leave me because I couldn't satisfy them sexually, I'm not sure I would survive that. I'm barely surviving this. And I'm so afraid that my personality and body just won't be enough. I'm never enough.

Hurt comes with taking a risk and trying new things doesnt mean you screwed up

 

[whocaresnobodycares]

Grinder is some useless garbage.

Gay life isn't about parades, bars, or APPS (ugh).
It's about REAL THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, and not what either homophobic or frivolous gays think.

They don't know anything,

 

[persepexa]

Don't really have anywhere else to talk about this so I'm posting it here. I've known (or at least thought) that i was gay since my early teens, and have consigned myself to being forever alone.

Last week, i tried installing some apps for the first time and even had a hookup with a lovely older man. The problem is I felt nothing. I couldn't get hard, and doing stuff to him was just empty. He was very understanding but I feel terrible. My conversations on the apps have been similarly devastating. Realizing that this constant need for sex is the essence of being gay has brought on the worst anxiety of my life. I'm shaking, and having trouble sleeping.

I tried to talk to guys on less hookup centered apps, and met one that was really nice. Unfortunately I also found him on grindr the next day with another man looking for a third for group sex. I almost vomited. This can't be it right? Are there no other people like me? I feel such a terrible urge to go out into the cold winter night and jump into the river. I've never met a gay man organically and I feel like I'm never gonna fit in. I wish i had never tried to connect to anyone. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I want to die.

As a gay man I feel your pain. These hookups are designed for hookups and hookups only. There are other ways to meet gay people that don't involve sex. Sex isn't essential to being gay. I'm very gay and I rarely have sex. I find hookups quite empty tbh. Idk where you live but I always see gay social groups advertised on social media. You just have to look for them. Please don't let this get you down too much. Once you find your tribe you'll be glad you didn't give up. Also feel free to PM me if you want someone to talk to.

 

[madwoman]

Being gay is great. I'm a lesbian and came out late in life when I finally accepted it and was like wait I wasn't crazy this whole time?! Growing up, you are confused and being fully gay, you don't understand why you don't feel much for the opposite sex and aren't experiencing what your peers are. Then you finally realize and allow yourself to let yourself feel the attractions you have and holy eff it's a lot to take in. I now understand love songs and what it's supposed to feel like and my heart effing hurts from it all. I also have a lot of the same insecurities as you - not feeling good enough, not liking the hook up culture (but damnit I wish I did bc I want more experience), needing to develop an emotional connection more than anything, wanting to spend my life with someone… etc. I'm actually sad about being suicidal because I barely got to experience being openly gay and just been living vicariously through books and movies and such. It's hard to feel all these feelings. I did hear how the gay guy culture is more hook up like then lesbian culture but there are some good ones out there. I think building a community is important - I value my sapphic friends. You can meet queer friends in apps and queer spaces if you have that available - it's at least online.

Side note: you all should watch Heated Rivalry - maybe it would hurt your hear more bc the romance is so beautiful but it's bringing me joy during this dark time. (Gay guy hockey show)